tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80461791216100420442024-02-06T20:18:14.975-08:00Bringing Attention To Male Victims Of PTSD And MSTMale victims of Sexual Assault, while in the Military are suffering not only from the actual events, but also due to the ignorance of the public, the Veterans Administration and our Government. This is to help bring to light of their PTSD issues.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-88966519559162055392014-09-20T09:45:00.003-07:002014-09-20T09:45:29.007-07:00Reporting Your MST to the Veteran's Administration<br />
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We gave to our country, in ways that no one should have to.. We gave our minds, body and souls; but we did not do so to become Victims! Silence was pressed upon us, and torment was a daily fact of life after we gave what we were forced to give; which was not a part of our oath of office.<br />
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Often, our silence has destroyed our lives, even after our obligations were terminated; either by our own fulfillment of original obligations, or terminated by our superiors prematurely. The suffering in silence, for years and even decades, losing families, friends and careers; not able to trust or connect with others. Not able to trust even ourselves, much less others.<br />
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IT's Time It Comes To An End! It's Time to Stand Up and Shout!<br />
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Our ghosts and demons be put on notice, that we are done dealing their intrusions and we are going to break our silence! It is not enough for us to keep the specter of our past, lurking in the shadows; we must let them out of our minds and tell someone. It is time for us to consider letting the system know, that we are tired of being victims and need to move our lives to survivorship, so we can live our lives and move forward in a productive and positive way. <br />
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It's Time! Time to report our intentions to get through our pain and heal. Haven't you suffered enough? After 30 plus years of living like this; I am.. Come join me, come join others in reclaiming our lives. Come report your story, to the Veteran's Administration and Demand your Freedom! Lord knows, you deserve to be free!<br />
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Here is a link, that will take you to a VA fact sheet.. click on the highlighted letters and a link will either pop up, or the link will allow you to click on it and you will be taken to the page, that is full of information for you. You may wish to bookmark that page for future reference, as the links are valuable, if you are going to report sexual assault which occurred during your military service. <br />
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Fact <a href="http://www.benefits.va.gov/BENEFITS/factsheets/serviceconnected/MST.pdf" target="_blank">Sheet and Links about MST</a><br />
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Reach out! Even if it is reaching out to me, You can do so on Hubpages.com, then search for me under the profile of repoprimo (my pen name). Then, click on my profile and send me "fan mail." I will answer your inquiry as soon as I am notified of your message. You can also follow this and other posts on this blog by filling out the "follow me" form with your email. <br />
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Honestly, I do not share or give out email information to anyone. Your contact with me will be confidential..<br />
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Please feel free to look through the Archives. It may give you a better sense of what my background is, who I am, and what my intentions are by building of this blog.<br />
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I wish you good luck, and welcome to your days of recovery. I am still working on mine. Come join me, won't you?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-1897879742572067942014-09-13T11:18:00.000-07:002014-09-13T12:24:46.666-07:00Are All Male on Male Sexual Assaults, Commited by Gay Participants? (A Discussion, to Possibly Aid In Healing).<br />
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Hello, and Thank You, in advance, for coming and showing some interest in the subject matter; of which is addressed, here on my blogs. The other day I addressed some statistics, concerning male victimization, in the act of Rape, Male Sexual Assaults in the Military. Now, as you probably can see, this video was produced and posted on as recent as September 14, 2014; If I read it correctly. <br />
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The statistics that are described and disclosed here, are not anything that surprises me., However, they are much more in number of reported cases, which brought these statistics into the light. There is, on the other hand the most chilling reality; is these statistic are not complete or completely accurate. Why? Well, because there are men out there whom have never came forward and reported their sexual assault/rape, or the inappropriate touching that occurred to them. The most disturbing among all of that, is that there are all of those whom have not told their story, and who remain living with their shame and the injuries, in Silence. <br />
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I am not sure, that I agree with this persons personal assertions; as it relates to the importance of whether or not the perpetrator sexual orientation. Logically, one could assert that since the attack was conducted by someone whom was male; that the perpetrator has to be Gay. I agree and disagree with this.<br />
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I have had actual discussions with people whom were both Gay and Straight, regarding male on male sexual activity. One thing that has came to me, in my discussions was that during many male sexual lives (especially during adolescence and young adulthood), There are times when every male goes through sexual discovery and experimentation. Some of the sexually oriented contact, with other males, are consensual and are out of experimentation. <br />
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During my Educational ventures, I had the pleasure of being in some Criminal Justice level classes that discuss mob dynamics, mob mentality issues, as well as "Peer Pressured Group Based Activities." I have looked at these dynamics and other influences which involve multiple assailants in a criminal activity, and have seen some pretty harsh realities and connections with my own "Gang Rape."<br />
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In either case of whether, or not, a person or group, are of a "Gay" oriented background or "Gay Sexual Preference," is maybe important; but I don't think that is the only foundational concern here. In Any situation where an assault or other case of criminal activity; there is an "Alpha" personality, that seems to guide or direct his/her influences, upon less dominant personalities, where he/she builds a sense of obligation, with lesser assertive or more subjective personalities. Those personalities assert their perceived power, over others of less ability to be in control thereby falling in line with the masses; feeling like they would be compromised, and left out of their group. (I hope this makes sense.)<br />
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I believe, in general that "Male on Male" Sexual assault, that the Alpha personality may be of some Gay orientation, or is close to one of his confidants, whom are Gay, and the dynamics of their influences may drive other "Lesser" assertive personality of their group following. I believe that once the acts are started, the Alpha in the group activity and the other members of the group begin moving in the same direction; others of personalities whom are more prone to being followers; become energized and begin following the Alpha's action, thus building a series of dynamics that intensifies the actual act (s).<br />
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( I think you get the point I am trying to make here, I hope!)<br />
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Now, I have to say that there is a stronger sense of what the speaker in the above video; of which would direct one to assume that a "One on One" sexual assault/ Rape, would have some sense of being committed by someone whom had "Gay" tendencies. However, in situations where there are multiple assailants, I think the dynamics are a bit difference; and fall in line with the "Mob" Mentality, where the "Alpha Personality" asserts peer pressure over one or more participants and then the pyramid or dynamics, include the other participants by asserting "Peer Pressure" over the lesser Personalities. Trust and obligation is then transferred into the situation, between the assailants, through culpability, of shared responsibility by grabbing the less strong personality, within the dynamics of the attack.<br />
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Funny, I am wondering why I went to the psychology of the perpetrator's actions. Maybe it's to justify why more than one person became involved with my Rape/Assault, and how others could not only observe; but interject themselves into the act; rather than stopping it. I honestly don't know.<br />
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As I said, previously, I am not convinced that in all cases, that all Sexual Assault Assailants are of Gay Orientation. I think that regardless of our sexual orientation, we all see other people, of the same sex, and find attractive features of their personalities or other attributes that are attractive to us.<br />
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I also think that based on that; either jealousy or admittedly some feature of their physical form, attracts the interest. What ever gives the attackers the final motivation, to attack that person; varies, I believe may range from "Getting Even or Revenge," "Jealousy," and Yes Definitely to "Assert Control." I also think, based on my assertions, that some sexual attacks are not only opportunistic, but also out of experimentation, on the behalf of the attacker(s).<br />
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Now, I am not excusing Sexual Assault, or the actions of those whom commit such a horrid and devastating acts. I am merely trying to find and discuss the issue, as to find some peace and a means of finding a deeper sense of forgiveness, for my own attackers/rapists/sexual predators. I am also trying to open an interactive means of discussion, on the matter.. It is to me, as means of healing; not prompted by my Therapist or Medical advisers, or as part of my prescribed treatment plan. It just is a topic that pushed me to examine what the Gentleman above asserted, in the video.<br />
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Thank You Again for visiting.. I hope this discussion, is helpful. <br />
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I would like to suggest that if you feel like you, or someone you know is a "Victim" of Sexual Assault, or have been Raped, please reach out and don't continue to "Live in Silence," as I did for years and years. There are people out there whom care enough to want to help you, find the help you,, or your family, friend may need, to find peace.<br />
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I would also ask that if you are suffering, in Silence, and feel like you are at risk of harming yourself; Please, I mean from the bottom of my heart, please reach out. <br />
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Mental Health Concerns and Suicide Prevention Resources:<br />
HelpGuide.org<br />
<a href="http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm">http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm</a><br />
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<a href="http://veteranscrisisline.net/">http://veteranscrisisline.net</a> or <br />
(888)273-8255 #1<br />
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If you feel like you or someone you know, is going to harm themselves or others, <br />
please call #911 immediately.<br />
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<strike></strike><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-76826134979701146072014-09-11T15:44:00.001-07:002014-09-11T16:08:33.037-07:00Hazing and Sexual Assualt In the Military<br />
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There are over 26 thousand reported cases, of Sexual Assault reported in the Military. Some are the product of or start out as "HAZING" incidents; which lead to the sexual assault.<br />
The Department of Defense has continuously revised the numbers of sexual assault victims, due non-reporting of Sexual Assault. As time has passed, it is estimated that there are approximately twice as many Male Victims of Military Sexual Assault, then Sexual Assaults on Women.<br />
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This is one story of an Army Specialist First Class, who went through such an Hazing event, that later turned into Sexual Assault. (Let me warn you, it is graphic).<br />
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The reasons for non-reporting of sexual assault, depends on who you speak to. The investigative body of the D.O.D (Department of Defense), suggests that reasoning goes to embarrassment and rejection concerns, by family and friends, as well as fellow Military Members. </div>
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(This Video Is approx. 60 Minutes Long and has been monetized)</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-71198470485855843512014-09-07T06:14:00.001-07:002014-09-07T06:14:35.663-07:00Reaching Out For Help and For Myself.<br />
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I am not a Mental Health Professional, nor do I pretend to be. So, being that as it is; I can not give any other advice to anyone who is either suffering, think they suffer from, or have a family member who they believe may be a sufferer of any Mental Health Issue. However, I am a sufferer of PTSD and a Survivor of MST (Military Sexual Trauma). The only advice I can offer is that you may wish to seek out assistance from a local or area Mental Health Professional, A Physician, or your Local Church Administration for guidance, if you believe there might be issues relating to the safety or welfare of a loved one, or yourself.<br />
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All I can share with you, is my experiences; and information that I have been made aware of and share my interpretations of what I have learned, from those whom help me make my journey, through recovery. It is my belief, at this point, that with my journey the assistance and support of the people in my life (to include primarily my Mental Health Network), has been most invaluable to make my journey rewarding, educational, and also a bit easier on my crazy life.<br />
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I will share with you, things that impact my life and my recovery to provide several benefits to you, the reader of this blog. I am hopeful that if you do not suffer from PTSD, or are a Survivor of Sexual Trauma (regardless of the origin or perpetrators background), Then this may be able to allow you some insight as to either dispel or acknowledge belief that there may be something wrong, should someone you know and love be suffering in silence. The second thing I hope; is that if you are suffering in silence; that this material and the information and stories here in this blog, will give you strength to seek out the assistance you may wish to consider obtaining.<br />
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Due to my own experiences, My belief in Mankind, as a whole; my belief in my God and myself, My trust in others and even in myself; has been forever changed and challenged. I have forsaken all of the previous groups, for so long that getting back in touch with these group members, will take a long time and a lot of work. However, It is my belief that in my perception I feel, regaining some level of relationship and trust in all of those groups is possible.<br />
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I have heard and have always been taught that without love of self, trust of self, belief in self; there can be limited (If any) of those attributes, in relationships with others. I am not sure to what degree this is true; but I do know that when I ask myself questions like;<br />
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Can I love this person, who is in my life?<br />
Can I trust in this person, who is at the door of my life?<br />
Can I turn my back on this person and feel comfortable?<br />
Can I believe that this person or God, be trusted not to harm or bring harm to me?<br />
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I often find myself having to ask myself the questions with myself as the person I am inquiring about. The answer from doing this, guides me in deciding whether I am equipped with the tools, to extend any give attribute to anyone else.<br />
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Often however, as with anything, there are exceptions; and in my life there are a very few exceptions that will allow me to remove asking the questions regarding trust, love, feelings, and belief. However, even with these exceptions; it has to be measured with experience with the people who have fallen within the exceptions.<br />
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Let me explain what I mean. As a baby, we are not able to change our own diapers, to teach ourselves how to use the toilet, to teach ourselves how to experience our first bites of solid food; without some elements of others, with whom we have to waive questioning. Because as a matter of survival, we need guidance and limitations placed upon us; to give us the tools we need to continue growing and thriving.<br />
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With the events of my own Sexual Assault; the resulting PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from that assault; had wiped out all that I believed to be true. It challenged my very existence and still continues to challenge that existence, to this day. The frustration of not trusting myself, believing in myself and resulting insecurities of my viability as a friend, and the ability for me to believe that for others will stay by my side, has become a daily challenge and a daunting chore (both for me and those who continue to have to re-enforce my trust in their willingness to stay).<br />
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I am not sure what is more upsetting to me; the fact that I have to struggle to find self worth, or to have to continually seek out re-enforcement of others having the willingness to stay by my side and fight with me. Consistently, even at the age of which I am at, I am finding myself acting like an infant, seeking out constant reminders and re-assurances that I am worth while and that they are not going to leave my side in this fight. (and it is a FIGHT! Make no mistake.)<br />
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I can not stress enough, the impact upon my life in not believing that I am worth anything, worth being loved, worth being considered a friend, worth the affection and attention of people around me, worth the respect, and worthy most of all, of self worth and love. To be honest, I have lost so much self love, through my journey (previous to and up to this point), that it is frustrating for me to not even have a sense of what it is like to have. I know it gets frustrating for those who work with me, in my recovery.<br />
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As I said earlier, I had to realize that as I was, as a child, I am now in so many ways again in my infancy. AS such, I had to swallow my pride, and find a way to ask for help; much like an infant child has to ask for dinner to be made, ask for a structured way of thriving, ask for a diaper to be changed or ask for the love and attention repeatedly to seek out reassurances that I am okay and worth the effort and time.<br />
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I believe that, due to my own experiences; most sufferers of PTSD and most Sexual Assault Victims who wish to change their own status into becoming a survivor; these feelings of inadequacy exist and the same sort of reassurances exist; even when they probably will be wishing to deny them. But I am willing to believe that denial is a basic element; at least openly.. However, privately, we do hold some elements of this truth deep within us and will not come out with this element of our issues without being told it is okay and that there is help available to restore hope.<br />
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I am finding it hard to believe in very much, right now. However, I am beginning to think that, with the help, and encouragement, I am receiving from my own network of support, I have a lot more than a chance of getting to where I should be, in life. With all of the Issues and doubt that once existed, and from time to time, still remains to some degree; I have to say, I am starting to feel like there might be hope trickling in. ( I am sure that my therapist will be happy to hear that, for a change).<br />
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I have had problems with going back and reading some of my past postings. They often remind me of the trauma and roads, I have been down, during my fresh 6 month journey, towards my recovery. However difficult, the reality is that the posts make it evident that I am making some progress, on my own journey. It allows me to reach out to others, whom has been tormented by trauma, and hopefully gives them the strength to seek out the help, they need for either themselves, or a loved one, whom might be suffering in silence; like I was.<br />
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A note to my friends and therapist;<br />
I am feeling and learning that there is a glimmer of hope, that I didn't know existed, that is now and at this moment, starting to get through. <br />
With that note, I wish whom so ever should read this blog, and is either suffering in silence, or knows someone who is, will be able to see; all is not lost. There is hope for those who reach out and ask for it. If nothing else comes from the posts I'm sharing with you, It my best of hopes that faith and healing will come your way, through the process of sharing my journey and reaching out for the help, you might be seeking. <br />
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The help is there for the asking. Just make the first step.<br />
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take care.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-23291075193982748962014-09-06T17:25:00.002-07:002014-09-06T17:25:56.859-07:00Who Am I? Why Should I See Justice? Why Have I Worn A Mask for So Long? (Part 2)<br /><br />
In part one, I merely laid down a foundation for this part; and hopefully I can look more deeply into the actual theme of these posts. <br />
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For Male Sexual Assault Victims, Justice is rarely seen in the proper sense, as it is compared with those sexual assaults, which occur to females. There have been protections in place, for so long, which are designed to protect women. Much like the programs which are, and have been put into place, for Women. There are very few equalities for men, as it relates to Domestic violence, rape or sexual assault.<br />
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Not only mentioning the legal aspects and the aspect of public and society views, male programs are minimal at best, for Male Rape/Sexual Assault Victims. The reasoning behind this, is merely too complex to really cover here, but it might be at least on a minor scale, there are no male shelters for battered male victims, there are no or limited shelters or programs that deal with Male Sexual Assault or Rape. Mainly the cause of these widely gapped programs, is because as a male; we are not supposed to be able to be put in such a place where we could be placed at risk. To further this, as males, we are supposed to be the protectors, not the victims of such matters or attacks.<br />
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Society has placed such a image upon the Men in our society; that there is too much pressure being socially applied against the male, to acknowledge that they have been sexually victimized by another male, or even a female. Much like the domestic violence offender, is perceived that a small and slight woman, could never assault and harm a fully developed and grown male. Although things are changing, when it comes to domestic violence, both Rape/Sexual Assault against males and domestic violence against the male in a household is at least embarrassing, demoralizing, and deemed as weak and shameful for the male victims of these crimes.<br />
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My seeing Justice, in my case of Sexual Assault and gang rape, plus the level of violence which was perpetrated against me, mainly due to statute of limitations. The next reason, I will never see justice, is because the main players are long out of reach and some of the people whom are accessory to the crimes against me, are deceased.. Bless their little black hearts.~!!!!!<br />
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So, because of the threats I received from my superiors (The Accessory's to the crimes against me), who forced, limited, and threatened me to seek justice for myself; not to mention the shame, the embarrassment, the stigma society placed upon such victims back in the day, was too much to allow me to pursue seeking justice, when the incident occurred. We can also throw in the fact I was only about 20 years old and naïve about how the laws and the ability of threats to be carried out.<br />
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So, for me, justice is not an option. Instead, I have to be satisfied with just seeking validation for what happened to me, through my filing of a claim against the Veteran's Administration, and hoping that the powers that be, agree that something devastating occurred; without having to actually admit that I was in raped, and assaulted brutally.<br />
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Now I can not speak for other Victims/Survivors of Male Sexual Assault, I can speak for myself with the assumptions I have, based on my experiences. <br />
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As a PTSD Sufferer, and a Male Rape Victim the needing of "wearing a mask" was a natural step for my protecting myself. Not knowing who I could trust, not willing to trust, the embarrassment, the pain, the shame (and the list goes on), was some of the reasons I remained in silence. I imagined that if I had let anyone know of what I had gone through, I would be ostracized as a male; I would and was minimized, I would always be perceived as a victim who was available for repeated victimization, by those whom would come to know. <br />
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In the previous post, with the same name, I put out a scenario where just the mere mention of my being a PTSD sufferer, brought about attitudes which were counter-productive, through the ignorance of my boss; as to the fact that having PTSD, was no reason for me to act in ways I had been acting; and his view of PTSD not being a disability. This has made life at work, almost unbearable. (Let me also assert that prior to his knowledge of my having PTSD, we were friends for over 5 years.)<br />
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At a previous job, in a neighboring county, I let it be known that I was seeking help for PTSD. the attitudes of my employer, after a year and a half of proving my experience and skills; of which I honed for over 30 something years, changed drastically when they found I was in need of psychological help for the PTSD, and I started going to the Veterans Administration for assistance. <br />
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In both instances, of the recent past, my employer's views of me changed almost instantly. I sometimes wonder what their attitudes would have been if I also let it be known that I was Gang Raped, while in the military. I could only imagine, but am glad that I will not suffer those attitudes; as these folks will never be informed of that fact. <br />
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Being a victim and now a survivor of Male on Male Sexual Assault, has allowed me to put on a mask, to cover my pain, my anguish, my shortcomings, my failures, my lack of self esteem, my minimizing life events (as well as being minimized by others), and the list goes on; merely on the perception of what I though would come, should anyone see that I had shortcomings of mental health.<br />
My own perceptions of Male sexual assault victims (if there was such, in my perception at the time), were quite different, prior to my Assault and Gang Rape.<br />
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As with most survivors of male on male rape, I learned very quickly to hide myself behind a mask; which was re-enforced by violence, hatred, rage, defiance against authority, as well as numerous other emotions and actions; which disallowed anyone to even suspect that I was weak, to the point of allowing anyone to sexually assault me. Hell, I even went out on frequent violent ventures, just to prove I was viable as a man..<br />
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IN my perception, of both myself and others, was that by hiding behind a "mask" and perfecting the camouflage of being what I perceived a "man" should be, I was safe. If I put the fear of "God" into those around me, to allow them to carry stories of extreme violence and lack of concern over life and death, that the story would move outward; people would be forewarned, and therefore would avoid pissing me off, at any cost. I rarely had to prove anything after awhile, because my family and friends (acquaintances) would carry the story line forward. In the reality of my life, I was crying for someone to see that there was a broken hearted person, who genuinely cared and would give the shirt off of his back, to anyone in need. Someone who would stop and patch up a broken or injured person, and try to help them to a far better place; than where they were when they were hurt.<br />
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But the mask, which was hiding the pain; was over-compensating by displaying outward disregard for property, life and safety of others; but mainly my own life and safety. <br />
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I can see and have realized that although I could not continue striking out against others and should be looking out for the welfare of others over my own self. So, I changed my mask and started making arrangements to exclude the participation of dangerous events and acts; where I could have witnesses, but be the only one being placed into harms way.. A sort of self inflicted suicide; with the appearances of an accident waiting to happen. Without my masks; I was fearful that employers would say or take a stance that since I obviously had mental issues; I could not be trusted, therefore would not be willing to hire or utilize me expertise and knowledge. <br />
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Masks, has allowed me to move through some simulation of life, where my mistakes and misgivings were not only verifiably accidents; but also by my own design made out to bring ultimate harm to myself; with out suspicion by those in charge.. My masks allowed me to hide my intentions and lack of concern for my own life; from Law Enforcement, from Medical Professionals, and most importantly from employers and potential employers (and yes, from former and potential spouses.)<br />
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Now, I am telling on myself; in regards to almost every aspect of my life, for a reason. I want to stop other victims/survivors from getting away with their pain and isolation, developing into a similar pattern. I figure (probably wrongly) that if by telling the world what I did, that they too can look more closely to their loved ones; and hopefully stop the cycle of destruction, that I found myself on.<br />
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The plain truth is that It hurts me to know that there are others out in the world, who are living what I have been living; in some sort of distorted form of what I was living; whom is on a path to destruction of both their physical life, as well as their family and personal life. <br />
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I hope this helps.. If you see someone you love, who is showing some signs of what I described anywhere in my blog posts, please reach out for them or with them, to get some help. <br />
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Please make a call to reach out for them, and hopefully with them to:<br />
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Talk to a professional, and get them the help they deserve. I did, and it got me on the path to recovery. It made a difference, in my life; I guarantee it will help make some changes in yours too, if you give it a chance. So call, and get some resources to help you or a loved one, the help they deserve.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-38145205048058849382014-09-06T15:31:00.004-07:002014-09-06T15:47:51.968-07:00Who Am I? Why Should I See Justice? Why Have I Worn A Mask for So Long?<div style="border-image: none; text-align: left;">
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<span id="goog_1960509944">We act and react to stimulus within those roles, accordingly to what we perceive is expected of us, as individuals. <span id="goog_580686541"></span><span id="goog_580686542"></span> We are all perceived both by our peers, as well as we carry an image of whom we wish to portray, within our roles. Are those images wrong, or are we merely being judged by those around us?</span><br />
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Is it fair? or is their judgment of us aligned with our perception. of who we are trying to portray, as well as the role we wish were trying to portray? What ever the answers to the previous questions are, I am sure that your taking the time to answer them, is or will be thought provoking and somewhat valuable to you, during your day. I know, it seems like I have just made the proverbial cat chase her tail. and maybe I have. But, in my defense, there is a reason, why I put you through the thought process, which will help you better relate to the remainder of this post. On many occasions, I have been subjected to what other's perceived me as, and who they perceived me as; and having the information they shared, helped me realize who well PTSD sufferers and MST survivors hide who they truly are. I was astonished, to find a huge disparity between who I am, and who I the images that my employer has held for such a long time. I then started seeing that the images which were held by neighbors and associates, whom I associate with, had of me; and which did not align with myself perceptions.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC5RnN89FTsjb01R9DOX67tk8gpifZPtEw9F-xQ3jaZupGiDhh6b3fpY9-pF-rs0zLFkYTE-2O19YPbI_OIoiZj01OUfqERCkggt5guYTTl_h9KsyRsf6enBa7Zab9yKEFni5TC1JTm_ck/h120/masks+of+war.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" class="gm-O-x" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC5RnN89FTsjb01R9DOX67tk8gpifZPtEw9F-xQ3jaZupGiDhh6b3fpY9-pF-rs0zLFkYTE-2O19YPbI_OIoiZj01OUfqERCkggt5guYTTl_h9KsyRsf6enBa7Zab9yKEFni5TC1JTm_ck/h120/masks+of+war.jpg" style="height: 120px; left: 0px; top: 0px; transform: rotate(0deg); width: 160px;" /></a><br />
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Now, I am finding out that all of them have ranged from being "sugar-coated" down to out-right wrong, including the images I have held of myself outwardly. All of which had some common elements, but core elements of "who I am, were all way different. It was a warm evening, just a few months ago, and I had spent most of my scheduled day for work, used up running medical and mental health appointments. I was supposed to have been back at work at 11:00am, at the latest, but my appointments had taken to around or near to 5:00pm, when I am normally off regular shift work and go on call, for the company I work for. Due to the confusion of things that were going on at my Doctor appointments, I was unable to call and inform the boss, of my impending tardiness and evidently the requests for the nurses to do so, when unanswered and unperformed. Either way, It all ended with a huge "blow out" between my boss and I.<br />
I had previously worked for this employer several years ago, and had recently returned to work for him again, and he had brought up my personality and my lack of showing any signs of having PTSD, or any needs for any psychological assistance.. His comments of which included; "You never shown signs of these issues, when you worked for me previously, and now all of the sudden it's in the open and you are out being seen by mental health professionals with a whole lot of issues, popping up; maybe we need to make changes." After showing him several instances, where I had faltered in hiding my PTSD, and other symptoms, which he had not been paying attention, brought about some really deep discussions and revelations to him; that his lack of seeing the signs was not only the lack of his paying attention; but also his lack of caring about the results of those instances.<br />
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However, despite my seeing that he had not been able to recall those instances, really helped me realize how well I was able to don a mask, and hide my pain. IT also allowed me to operate in life, without questions which would have been embarrassing and humiliating to say the least; regarding my PTSD and my being a MST Survivor. Now, in further discussion after the day, where my boss and I had sat down for the previously described discussion, I have had other discussions regarding PTSD, with my boss and with other people whom have been in my life, recently. Each of them, had no clue that PTSD, was a disability or could be debilitating. None of them knew or realized that PTSD falls within the Federal Disabilities Act, nor the State Disabilities Act. But it does. .</div>
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I was amazed on how people and myself were perceived when we brought up the fact that we were PTSD diagnosed. Most of those who are ignorant of this fact, are unaware that the sufferers of PTSD, are doing anything more than just making up excuses for doing nor not doing given things that are normally accepted, in society. <br />
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Is it fair? Nope! IS it discriminating? Yes, it is; and it lends to those of us whom are suffering from mild to complex PTSD, to being discriminated against.<br />
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Put together, the average idea's of "Joe Public" in with MST, or Sexual Assault; which is suffered while in the military, and then on top of that throw in the idea of a male being a victim of Sexual Assault (whether male on male, or male on female, or even female on male) and you have a whole picture of why victims of MST, remain silent and try so hard to hide their suffering. IN fact, a male MST survivor whom suffers from any form of PTSD, which stems from that sexual assault quickly becomes a "Master of Disguise." Hiding from the truth of their pain, and the truth of their suffering; becomes a pool of life long lies, to cover the fact that they were victimized. It usually is easier, in my estimation if the silence was brought about by physical, psychological threats, or even the sufferance of career ending or life ending consequences; should they discuss or reveal the events or accuse anyone of committing such horrific and devastating act.<br />
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Over time, the systematic results of life and reality takes over and the assault and the excuses not to come out and wage such an accusation against someone, especially in the military, becomes all too scary and threatening. Again, I ask; Is It Fair? NO, it is not and it is also nothing which can be merely "swept under the carpet" as even the silence is more devastating than the actual immediate consequences.<br />
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Had I known, or realized, that the aftermath of my Sexual Assault would have came back on me, much later in life (as it has), I would have gladly weighted out the differences and went outside of my "Military Chain of Command," and told that Psychologist whom I was seeing for my Anger Management treatment; after my rape, what actually had happened. Why? Because it would have had possibly less of an impact, long term wise, than what the immediate consequences would have brought to bare. The Scales of Justice, can not take away the pain, nor can it replace the innocence of which was so pure, prior to the Sexual Trauma. In fact, there seems to be no real remedy for the act, which can put someone who has suffered and lost so much, through the acts of Sexual Assault or Rape, or even unwanted Sexual Contact. <br />
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No amount of money, no amount of apology, and definitely no amount of justice, will replace what was lost; especially when it is kept quietly hidden under layers of lies and other trauma, which soon follows; later in life. There is no way to weight or balance, the actions of those who commit those crimes against us, and others. There is no amount of years behind bars or being tortured that can be imposed, to allow us to put aside the guilt, the shame, the embarrassment, the masks we wear, and the load of other negative emotions we, as Rape or Sexual Assault victims must bear.<br />
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I am a Sexual Assault Victim, who is moving towards becoming a Survivor. AS one person has put it; "Every day my eyes open; I spit in the face of my attackers!," With every breath I take, I spite in the eyes of my Rapists!", With every wish, I spit in the eyes of those whom refused me justice." and with every moment of laughter, no matter it's origin, I not only spit but I Crap in their Lives!"</div>
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That is the only justice I can see, and the only comfort I can take with me.<br />
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<strong>Final Words:</strong><strong><br /></strong></div>
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<strong>If you suspect something is wrong, with a family member, research and find out if they have been possibly hiding symptoms of PTSD. If you think or have a story, which might include trauma, go seek help! If you find that the origin of that trauma is from Sexual Assault, Rape, Unwanted Physical Sexual Contact; Please seek out resources to get help, to bring your family member, or yourself the peace of knowing that justice is within your grasp.</strong></div>
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<strong>If you find yourself being threatened; spit in the face of that threat! By doing so, will save you years of anguish; only to come to the conclusion I did; that the immediate consequences of reporting the incident, is far less than the consequences of hiding it and trying to live with the assault or trauma by yourself for years (like I did.)</strong><strong><br /></strong></div>
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<strong>Listen and do not judge someone, who claims they have been sexually assaulted. Then give them support to find the needed resources to cope with it. If you see signs of a loved one, who is being over protective of their bodies; for no apparent reason, be compassionate to their need for space; and let them know that when they are ready, you will be there to support them in finding help, and getting through the darkness. But most of all; do not give them any message that once they embark on such a journey, that you will leave them alone. They will be automatically looking for that. Just love them and love their pain, and help them love themselves.</strong></div>
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<strong>Be Blessed and Believe help is out there. All you have to do, is look and ask for it. From my heart, I wish you and your loved ones a blessed recovery.</strong></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-85020071899451224842014-09-06T07:21:00.001-07:002014-09-06T07:40:03.206-07:00Taking Back Of A LifeI have been hearing a lot, regarding "Taking Back of a Life," and wonder all too often; what that could possibly mean. I guess the reason someone would ask such a simplistic question, the base of it is "Who's Life" are we talking about?<br />
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The lines of life and truth, as it pertains to myself (as a Survivor), and to who I should be often become not only blurred; but also sometimes disappears below the midst of clutter of life events and the events of others. I sort of liken it to a lawn, cluttered with autumn leaves where the leaves cover up the green grass; and the green grass has no way of getting life sustaining sunlight; thus, turning brown. </div>
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Taking the time to uncover the ground, to uncover the beautiful green grass only takes someone to use a rake, to wipe away the leaves and to peal back the seasons' blanket, to uncover the life that resides just below. Occasionally, the wind may let some of the leaves to be slightly brushed aside; but never quite enough to reveal what truly lives below.</div>
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PTSD, no matter the cause of someone's trauma, is much like the scene depicted above. Although the outside world takes for granted the grass and the foliage of the native ground is there; the reality of what is on the outside, often over-shadows all that lies below the shadows. Until the layers of leaves are removed, the state of what lies below withers and is slowly taken away to leave areas of bare, unrealized potentials of growth and life.</div>
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I suppose that the more trauma that one suffers through, and the different sorts of trauma, is like the leaves or ground cover, that has come to lie upon the ground; thus requiring different tools and different amounts of time to uncover what lies below the surface of which it sets.</div>
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IT often is upsetting to me, as a PTSD sufferer, that it seems the harder I try, the harder things seem to become; causing mounds of frustration and thoughts of not only giving up the fight towards uncovering who I am, but also at times questioning whether or not I should continue the fight.</div>
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There are good days, and there are bad days, in my battle to find out what lies below the surface. Always questioning myself, my motives, and whether or not my journey should continue at all. I think that because I realized early in my treatment for "Complex PTSD," To make what seems to be significant promises both to myself and to my therapist. </div>
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<strong>An Unspoken Promise:</strong></div>
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Promises come and they go; some are just to get by with a single task, but others are made for life long fulfillment. One such promise, which is such a difficult one to keep; at times, is that I promised my therapist that I would not do anything derogatory to myself, in regards to my safety, without giving her an option and time to intervene. </div>
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I suppose that is one difficult promise, that anyone could ever make; as I know it has been for me. But one very important promise, which often is unspoken and often times over-looked in the "fulfilling" of promises is this;</div>
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I realize that lying or holding back from you, (both the Therapist, and yourself), I am lying and withholding from myself the potential to honestly look at cause and effect; to often over-look the lack of room for half truths or muddled grey lines of reasoning. </div>
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Personally, I believe that I have the most difficult time evaluating what I am deciding to share with my therapist; even to the point of opening negotiations as to lead myself down a path of half-truths, or half-hearted assertions, in order to leave myself a "Back-Door" of escape. Thankfully, I have been able to see it when these times appear, and when the negotiations begin, I have found myself just letting my therapist into the conversation and the negotiations; thus letting everything out which is pertinent, and removes the road-block; as I treat my conversation to my therapist and our conversations, as if she is in my mind as a partner to the negotiations. Believe me it has helped me. </div>
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<strong>Trust:</strong></div>
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Everyday, as a PTSD Patient/Sufferer, I have a what seems to be an issue with Trust. Now, I am not even going to say that I have conquered the "Trust" thing. IN fact, the opposite is true. I am chipping away at the "lime" build up of the trust issue, in my life, and since I am only a short time into my therapy and recovery, I know that the "lime scale" is deep and is hard, and will be for some time.</div>
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It can not be stated enough, even to the point where I am now in my treatment, where trust comes into question on a daily and sometimes in a moment by moment situation. I am not sure, but one would think everyone has this issue facing them regularly; however, with me as a PTSD sufferer it is most pronounced, most regulated and most questioned aspect of my life.</div>
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Admission to the fact that even though I have built up significant amounts of Trust, with my therapist and network participants, I often have times that I have to battle with not only who to trust; but also in what amounts of trust should I allow to be revealed. Even with my therapist, we cover areas where I have found myself questioning whether or not to trust her with subjects and feelings. I suppose it will be a battle for some time to come; for myself and I know will become the same with you.</div>
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<strong>Frustration:</strong></div>
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Nothing can be stated enough, regarding the frustration that has come into my life, since seeking out therapy. I often have issues where my therapist will ask me a question, or assign me a task; and I will set out to work on answering her questions, my questions, and under-taking the tasks being asked of me to complete; only to have "Set-backs" and "Road-blocks" tossed in my way. </div>
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Fighting with finding the right medications; even when none are wanted</div>
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Fighting with internal voices of negative emotions, and negative influences.</div>
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Fighting with that second voice, which sometimes guides us in making decisions.</div>
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Fighting internally with the negative emotions of others whom we have to share our world with.</div>
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Fighting with others whom do not recognize that we have a true disability; which can be dangerous and debilitating. </div>
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Each battle or task towards recovery from MST and from PTSD, is bordered with doubts and questions. There is not anyone whom can share with you, the frustration levels which comes with treatment. (Lord knows, I face this daily.) </div>
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Sometimes I fail to realize that I am not the only one, suffering with the effects of PTSD. In other times, I feel that and know I am not alone, in dealing with aspects of PTSD, I often feel like I am coming up short on my recovery.</div>
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when we are looking at ourselves.</div>
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The problem is; We are all individuals and we are all unique in our various ways. (This is something I have a long standing problem realizing.)</div>
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The problem is that I have found that by comparing myself with what I perceive of others, I often am left feeling inadequate and more flawed, than I felt previous to my doing this frivolous exercise. </div>
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I often leave myself feeling less adequate and less of a person, because I am not measuring up. I am starting to realize that although other sufferers of PTSD are suffering, they may or may not be suffering in the same manner, I am. So many facets of the PTSD animal, is frustrating to see and to deal with because they are unique to each and every one of us.</div>
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Most likely my going through the next assertions, is going to seem frivolous and not even worthy of stating. However, Since each of us are unique, our pain and pain threshold is unique to our own perceptions, and past experiences. By minimizing another persons pain, is to also minimizing the truth of our own pain.</div>
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I wish to share something that I shared with my Nephew's Wife, who was distraught over some pain in her life. I had no idea of what that pain was, nor the level of her discomfort, but I could see she was hurting and feeling frustrated. Funny thing about the pain I saw and perceived she was going through, a thought came to mind; that I just had to share with her; I wish to share it with you as well.</div>
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"Although obstacles keep coming in our way, even when it seems that a mountain is too hard to climb, sometimes taking a step back and taking in what we have done, will give us a refreshed view of life;</div>
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Stop trying so hard, and being so much; and let the world and God show us how blessed you are, and you may realize that you are actually past those obstacles and on top of that mountain." (G.Brents 2014).</div>
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Now I did in fact just come up with that verse, on my own, and all by myself. I later came across a man, who was down and feeling all alone, sitting outside of my humble apartment. I took time to talk with him. By the time, we parted ways, I retreated to my home, got into bed and realized I had one more task to perform. I got up, got dressed, and went to the man's front door. I asked him for a moment of his time; then shared the verse to him. He seemed to stifle back his want to just let go; and he told me that what I had shared with him, was exactly what he needed to hear.. I hope it is also a little of what you need to hear and realize.. I know, it was and is for me.</div>
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I get frustrated, on a daily basis with my recovery, with my life and with my short-comings. And in reflection of what I shared with my Niece-in-law, I also found a message here for myself as well.</div>
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I only hope that this also helps all of my friends, whom have stayed to help me, all that have decided to move away from me and my recovery, and all of those who will come. I especially hope it bears some impact upon the frustration I am sure, my poor therapist feels with my progress.</div>
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Be Blessed.</div>
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Gary</div>
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(aka repoprimo)</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-64239706820792020042014-07-13T20:07:00.003-07:002014-07-13T20:07:46.144-07:00No Man Is An IslandThey say that "No Man Is An Island." I wonder sometimes if that is not an untruth, of a statement.<br />
You see, I have been writing blogs about my experiences, with no responses from but one person. I am truly grateful for that one response. However, it seems that I am on an island, by myself; Isolated and alone. <br />
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I have been told that due to my experiences, I am self feeding a sense of "Hopelessness," and yet, although I know there are others out there, whom have had similar events happen to them; they too reside in a sense of hopelessness, depression, and Isolation. I suppose that is what God wished for us, to live in hope that there are others to connect with; only to find that they are timid, untrusting, and unable to come to grips that they are not alone. In effect, those feelings are leaving all of us; "Alone" and "Isolated."<br />
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Tonight, I reflect on the journey I undertook, to find peace with myself and my past experiences; both self inflicted, and inflicted upon me by others. Not really feeling like I am beating myself up, over either; but just sitting in where I find myself today; and where I have came from after my assault.<br />
It's been a very treacherous road, to say the least. <br />
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I have found out how to reach out, and to find some glimmer of "hope", from time to time; peaking out from behind a dark veil, of past memories and lack of trust I once had, that now is beginning to lose some grip over me. <br />
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However, I still feel like a stranded traveler. A marooned passenger, left here by a sinking ship, called "life." I can see ships passing in the darkness of the night, with passengers waving at me; but the ship still goes about it's route; leaving me behind to fen d for myself and not to allow others to get too close.<br />
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I know for those whom have suffered any of what I have, to any degree, you are feeling the same way. I know that, because I suffered in silence for over 30 plus years; by myself. When someone would try to look in, I would go on the defensive and lash out or run all together to separate myself.<br />
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You will never know my reality, nor my pain; as I will never know yours. (nor will I pretend to know.) But I am here to share with you that although the memories of my attack haunts me still; even after finally opening up to a professional therapist. (A wonderful Therapist and a wonderful friend, whom is also a therapist and a wonderful friend.)<br />
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I have fought to trust, in the network I have built; and with the help of my friend, (whom doesn't speak to me anymore,) I have started down a rocky road of finding trust in others again; to the extent I have never known. In that trust, I have found that there is moments of a "shinning light," I am being told is trust and hope. But, I had to do something that I never thought I could do; That one thing, opened my eyes, and my heart a little, as well as the biggest of it all; I asked for "Help." and did not stop until I found it.<br />
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You know, I am not only encouraged to keep writing my blog for male victims of PTSD, derived from MST; but also now I am speaking to all whom have experienced the horrors of MST, men and women alike. Despite my original goal; I know through my therapy that all victims, whom have not found a way to become a "Survivor", has suffered injustice and some deep violation of not just their person; but also their soul in a most horrific of ways.<br />
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Through my ignorance, and selfishness, I was upset that so much attention has been given to Women who had been victimized; that men were not being given equal billing; in Society. However true that may be, We who have been assaulted, in the manner which we were; all have their own views of their sufferance's and their losses. I am not in a position to rob anyone of their claim to what is rightfully theirs; Their peace of mind, their peace of heart, their peace of life that can not longer be violated and torn away; without their approval.<br />
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I still struggle, and I still feel alone. But because I had an old friend who cared; I found the strength through her, to reach out and find a new friend whom is holding me up when I feel like falling down; who watches my back, when I feel like the world is sneaking up on me; who waves to my island as she passes by and assures me that I will one day come home, away from that Island of being a Victim.<br />
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Be strong, not stubborn. Be optimistically available, and yet be vigilant and let someone know; you need help. Especially, if you have not done so yet. You will go through a rough path, at first; but it will be well worth the journey. Come join me in finding recovery and healing, for all of us.<br />
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Take Care and Bless<br />
G.Brents<br />
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<span id="goog_896523818"></span><span id="goog_896523819"></span><span id="goog_1863202980"></span><span id="goog_1863202981"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-28830199089781182732014-07-12T23:34:00.002-07:002014-07-12T23:34:18.955-07:00I Am Learning<br />
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Hello Again, and thank you for joining me in today's post. I hope that all is well with you and the family. <br />
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I am wishing to share some things that I am learning, to help me recover from and to deal with the stresses and issues associated with my PTSD and MST recovery. I am in hopes that my story, and previous blog posts, are helpful for you; as well as informative; towards you or your family member getting help from a professional source, to deal with PTSD, and especially MST issues.<br />
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I am learning so very much, in regards to myself and my life, since finding my mental health professional. In fact, she recently gave an opportunity to give back and to "Pay It Forward."<br />
I am honored that she has given me the opportunity and that I am here to accept the project. As a result, I am learning so much about myself and how to deal with the mal-adjusted ways I have coped with my issues; which stem from my Assault and the nightmare that encompassed the Attack upon me.<br />
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You see, when I first found my therapist; I was abusive to her sense of boundaries and not realizing it; I violated any normal senses of inter-personal boundaries that are held highly by others. I did this, not even realizing what I was doing, and how it might have effected her as well as punishing myself in the process. <br />
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She demanded I purchase a book called <a href="https://www.blogger.com/%3Ciframe%20style=%22width:120px;height:240px;%22%20marginwidth=%220%22%20marginheight=%220%22%20scrolling=%22no%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20src=%22//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=qf_sp_asin_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=wwwblogge065d-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=0310247454&asins=0310247454&linkId=6D3OLM6LZXMNTN6J&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true">" target="_blank">"Boundaries"</a>; but I never took it seriously and I honestly could not afford to purchase this book; as I live on a very limited income and most of my funds are dedicated to basic living expenses. Well, as time went on, she held me to consequences of my choices, no matter the motivation of my choices; she had to establish ground rules of contact and enforce them with some heft costs for violation.<br />
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I would like to say that the actions I took, and the frequency of my contact with her out of disparity was excessive and was becoming very demanding; on my part. When she would bring the matter up, to establish a clear boundary, of which we could work mutually and productively, she had to make some of the choices I made to be costly and with some pretty severe consequences, which I will not go into here. <br />
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Recently, due to my situation, my therapist gave me an opportunity to do a project with her; that I jumped at with no reservation. She said it would benefit other clients of hers, whom were not described with any one sort of condition, but in a general setting.<br />
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Anyways, upon her purchasing <a href="https://www.blogger.com/%3Ciframe%20style=%22width:120px;height:240px;%22%20marginwidth=%220%22%20marginheight=%220%22%20scrolling=%22no%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20src=%22//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=qf_sp_asin_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=wwwblogge065d-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=0310247454&asins=0310247454&linkId=6D3OLM6LZXMNTN6J&show_border=true&link_opens_in_new_window=true">" target="_blank">Boundaries</a> for me, to complete her project, I took it and had to read the pages within the cover. The things I found in that book, was so familiar and so revealing to me; as it pertained to my responses to the various emotional and rational lines, which were being crossed, due to the level of the PTSD I was suffering with. The words on the pages, brought to life a realization of my lack of proper boundaries; which were both derived from my childhood as well as the assault.<br />
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From the date of my assault/attack, I have been always resentful of those whom I tried to let close; as it felt at times they were using my willingness to pacify them and to perform at their requests; only to be personally disappointed at their lack of appreciation of my limitations. I know that those people did not have any idea of my situation, in it's entirety, nor could they appreciate the impact upon me and my situations, but the ultimate responsibilities I had to myself was defiantly being ignored; by myself.<br />
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I was told that being a victim, does not have to define who I am. And reading some of the materials that were suggested to me by my therapist, has showed me that I could be able to move on to becoming a survivor, and not merely a victim. But none of the resources, she has put into my hands, <a href="https://www.blogger.com/%3Ca%20href='https://www.blogger.com/%3Ciframe%20style=%22width:120px;height:240px;%22%20marginwidth=%220%22%20marginheight=%220%22%20scrolling=%22no%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20src=%22//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&amp;OneJS=1&amp;Operation=GetAdHtml&amp;MarketPlace=US&amp;source=ac&amp;ref=qf_sp_asin_til&amp;ad_type=product_link&amp;tracking_id=wwwblogge065d-20&amp;marketplace=amazon&amp;region=US&amp;placement=0310247454&amp;asins=0310247454&amp;linkId=6D3OLM6LZXMNTN6J&amp;show_border=true&amp;link_opens_in_new_window=true">' data-blogger-escaped-target="_blank">Boundaries</a>" target="_blank">Boundaries</a> seems to be the most substantive in making me realize that I have control; And it's my job and right to exercise that control, instead of giving control over me to others and later becoming resentful of my situation.<br />
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Now, yes I have been pushing the topic of this book. I will let you know, that all of the textual content is Christian based, and seemingly very relevant to a Christian or Christian based living, and is backed with references to scriptural insight. Unlike most of the other resources, I found that I related more with the textual contents of this book, and to the examples of writings.<br />
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I personally think that almost any sufferer of any trauma, who is diagnosed or not diagnosed with PTSD, will find very relevant information within the pages of this book. I would not have ever imagined that one single book, or writing could impact my efforts towards recovery, as much as this one has. <br />
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I will say this much; If I did not believe in its ability to be of help to not only your recover, but to dealing with family and other future relationships; as a PTSD sufferer, I would not have dedicated an entire posting on my blog for it. Just take the time to click on the highlighted portions of the text, and you will be directed to Amazon, to view the book.. I urge you to not only purchase the book, tonight, but to also purchase and share it with your spouse or significant other. IT has the potential to help you and your family, in improving your relationship and how you deal with them. <br />
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Have a Good Evening; and I hope if you can trust in my recommendation, that you will view the book and hopefully decide to spend the little bit of money, to purchase it. I believe with all my heart, it will bring some very startling revelations to you and anyone else who might read it.<br />
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Take Care and Be Blessed<br />
Gary Brents.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-85752990610234838872014-06-29T07:26:00.000-07:002014-06-29T07:26:01.859-07:00For Families Of, Friends Of, Care-Givers Of, Suffers From PTSD Derrived From MST.<br /><br />
I often struggle with the events of my assault in ways that I can not even describe. From Flashbacks, to Anxiety, Depression, to being disenfranchised from the human race, and let us not forget not feeling like anyone cares and that if they knew; they would treat you like you are infected with the plague; then laugh as they walk away.<br />
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Letting go of things, and connections with people becomes easier as time passes; but on the back side, you long for personal connection with someone besides your service dog or service animal. Even at times, my service dog gets on my nerves; even when I know he is ultimately here to help me survive daily events and set-backs. <br />
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Waking in the mornings, is a chore at best. The pain from the beatings I endured from my assault, plague me daily. I can not sleep in an elevated bed; so I sleep at night on the floor; atop of a mat to cushion the hard cold floor. So, when I get up I roll off the mat onto an often cold floor; racked with pain in my back, hips, shoulders, legs and neck. Every morning is like waking up on a medieval rack, used to stretch out the human body to the point of being torn apart.<br />
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when I do wake up; I go into the Head (the restroom) and if I look into the mirror; I see a monster looking back at me; not the person who is supposed to be looking back at me. You have heard the saying that waking up with that person in the morning, becomes ugly and un-kept and that ogre looking person stares back? Well, imagine that along with the distorted look of a twisted and blurred out demon; staring at you from inside the mirror. <br />
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Now, even after seeking out and being in therapy for four months; my therapist says she is seeing progress. I have to take her word for it, and keep struggling on until hopefully one day that monster and the pain will subside and the monster I see in the mornings; as well as the pain, will subside.<br />
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Trust! Hmmm. well, since I have not had a sense of trust or personal connection for over 30 years; Trust comes hard, very hard to say the least. I mean I am just beginning to trust my therapist; Lord knows I put her through her paces. The people she has placed on my side; well, I am starting to feel like because of my therapist; I am trying to trust but verify everything they are claiming to be doing on my behalf; but there are not one connection so far. (I am not one who relies on hope; but working on this one as well.)<br />
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Well, My therapist tells me that I need to fulfill my basic needs; which by the way are supposed to be basic needs of any healthy human being; I am being told. you know; housing, security, companionship, and something else. this list is short, but resides in something called "Maslins hierarchy of needs" Since issues of these called needs; keeps rearing up into my therapy sessions and distracting from my recovery; my therapists decided that we need to stabilize my life. Okay; let's give it a chance, and try to trust in the processes. <br />
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Well, I have been told that I have accomplished more in three or four weeks than most folks are able to do in one or two years. with the help of my therapist and connections; we have started my claim process with the help of an attorney, to go after my VA benefits. We have found a place for me to call home, we have secured other much needed assistance to help me maintain and to give me a stepping stone to move forward.<br />
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Now, I have found that even with all this going on; everyone around me is excited for me. I should be as well. I have a seemingly terrific support network with the agencies and the attorneys who are working with me to build and take control of my life; and lest me forget the most important of that network; my Therapist who has been awesome to say the least. She has been my "Rock" when all the ground around me has seemingly been filled with quick-sand. I also have to give special recognition to people who have unselfishly allowed me access to utilize them as a personal support network; who are friends from my childhood, whom have crossed paths with me from time to time up to this point in my life. For them I am very Blessed.<br />
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A lot of the things I am in process of building the stepping stones, towards a productive and rewarding life; something I have never known. A stable home, which I have not known in over 33 years; since my assault. Everyone who knows what has been going on, in my life is excited and thrilled about what is going on, in my life and what I have accomplished thus far. However, with all that has happened; I have learned not to trust in anything or any process or progression to last. Therefore I do not and can not attach myself emotionally to anyone, or anything. This remains to this day; but I am trying to re-learn. I am trying so hard, and often end up frustrated with myself.<br />
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The reasoning for my sharing of this is to show those who love people, whom have suffered with PTSD, and Chronically Severe PTSD from MST, can understand a bit more of what sufferers are going through. To help you understand the processes of which suffers like me deal with daily, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, etc... I think the point can be inferred here. <br />
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Now, the above is an actual account of what my life is like. However, as a Family Member, Care Giver of, Friend of someone who is suffering from PTSD derived from MST, you might be able to better see where your loved one's mind may be resting or living. This is meant to allow you a window of the daily turmoil that your loved one is going through. Although their habits may be difficult, for you to deal with at times; please take a deep breathe and focus on the fact that what you are going through; is intensified over 100x's with the sufferer you love.<br />
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I hope at minimum, This gives you insight enough for you to appreciate the reasons for their sometimes and sometimes often sense of disconnect; lack of emotions, lack of trust, lack of personal connections, lack of appreciation for accomplishments they achieved. It's not that they do not appreciate all that is given, or all that is shared, or all that is gained materially and gained ground in their lives. <br />
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I just want to give insight at what seemingly helps me the most, in my struggles. It sometimes goes further than medications, and allows me to focus on what is "here and now." Which helps with the flashbacks and the anxieties.<br />
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This is a Biggie: Just re-assure your loved one, that they are safe and away from the place where their trauma occurred. Let them know you love and care about them, and do not come into direct contact with them; at the onset of any episode.<br />
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Let them know that no matter what they say; or how disorganized their ranting is; get them to slow their breathing and to focus on something in the room that allows them to see what is happening now.<br />
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Here is another Biggie! Just listen and don't judge them for what may spew out; no matter how much it may lead them to say things that are attacking of you or others you care about; just realize they are venting and frustrated. In most cases, what is flowing is not based on a personal attack upon you; but just something to get the flow of the venting stages towards getting the deeper issues out; so they can be processed. In other words, go into this with "thick Skin" if possible and don't let their seemingly harsh attack; set you into a conflict of words based on your feeling like you have to protect yourself.<br />
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In the end; and with practice with both of you, a deeper bond will develop with you and your loved one who is suffering.<br />
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I hope this helps you, help your loved one; who suffers from PTSD and especially a PTSD sufferer from MST.<br />
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Be Blessed, I know I am. <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-1927906670103745622014-05-17T17:25:00.001-07:002014-05-17T17:25:22.991-07:00Remembering The PastI am brought to a point where, A man who served his country, was revered. Although I was raised through the Viet Nam Era, and served through the Post Viet Nam war era, I had served three years in the Air Force, during what was called "Post War" Vietnam Era. I never say military action during the war in Vietnam. I have however, conducted may interviews while in college, with War Time Vietnam Veterans, whom served in Country.<br />
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I recall tales, by Veterans whom served during the actual conflict, which was unjustly re-classified as a Policing Action, and not a war time consideration. (A travesty to say the least, as we lost a lot of good men and had many good people in the wake of injury; both mentally and physically.<br />
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Although I have served, in the era of the Vietnam conflict, I feel somewhat disgraced that I had not seen action, in what I consider to be amongst the most honorable of wars, conflicts and Policing actions, we as Americans have had the task of participating in. I am often harboring a wealth of respect for those who had served during that conflict as well as the most recent conflicts in Afghanistan and in Iraq. <br />
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I also have been fighting another war, which was remnants of an action or series of actions, which had caused me to become disabled and functionally unable to pursue the career which helped me deal with the effects of my service to the United States, while in the Air Force. Even if it was Peace-time, I feel like I have been fighting my battle for over 33 years, in silence and all alone.<br />
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Now, I am not going to go further into my service, my ailments, nor my woes alone; as the item of note, far extends beyond my needs, wants or situation alone. However I will not a somewhat detailed summary of my situation, is documented in the archives of this blog; if you feel like taking some time to read the archived notes, and posts of my blog.<br />
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Recently, we have seen the Government show disgust in the Veteran's Administration of support, service and assistance, given to Veteran's of all Conflicts between the Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan conflicts. Supposedly, the military and the Obama Cabinet, has been bragging about services supposedly now available to current Military Veterans, as well as Veterans of prior military actions. <br />
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Now, my interests lie within the walls and confines of Military Sexual Assault, Military Rape, which is going unpunished or inadequately researched and reported over the years. My blog is not to ignore the impact on Female Victims of Sexual Assault/Rape; however since there is a huge disparity in reporting of rape and sexual misconduct with male victims, in relation to those claims by women of Sexual misconduct. <br />
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I departed the military in 1983. I returned home, under questionable circumstances, and when I arrived, I paid a visit to the Veteran's Administration Hospital in Long Beach, CA. I became all to familiar with the delays for help and treatment, which were much worse than those reports by the government would have most believe.<br />
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Since I returned and since my time in various states, through out the United States, I have heard horror stories of time delays and deaths due to the Veteran's Administration's unwillingness to complete and pursue medical attention to those who were among the walking dead. (I refer to the Walking Dead, to note more that there are people who are left with scars of war and peace time violence, who are not getting the assistance; thus causing them to suffer silently.)<br />
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Today, I heard that a head Administrator for the Veteran's Administration Health Care system, had tendered his resignation, based on allegations that he did not do enough to correct problems within the Veterans Administration and their handling of Claims for medical assistance and disability. <br />
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Back in the early 80's, I attended College to try and make a life for myself; after being beaten up while in the service of my country. I was seeking out a finance degree, which I finally completed back in the 90's... I was told two things and found at least one, to be true. <br />
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1. If you wish to become wealthy, open a Church.<br />
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2. If you wish to get help, stay away from the Governmental Agencies to get you there. (later to find that the person who shared this one with me, was a Vietnam Veteran.)<br />
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Now, in current news headlines, I am seeing a man being forced to retire and tender his resignation, based on the Veteran's Administration, lack of ability to hire, maintain and serve Veterans ailments and medical needs. <br />
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I have to say, that although it does not surprise me that our Government is dragging their heels in getting the health care system with in the Veteran's Administration, where it should be and would be deemed as acceptable. What bothers me, in all of this mess that the Government is sweeping the Veteran's Administrations lack of utilizing trained personnel, to administer aid, medical assistance and medical mental health assistance to Veteran's who served our country.<br />
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Now some time ago, I would say about six or eight months ago, the Government held hearings and later handed out directives that such services be available to all victims of military based crimes; which were committed against military personnel by Military Personnel, Rape/Sexual Assault, and war time injuries with more vigor.<br />
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The problem is, that since I can recall the norm is not a norm for sexual abuse/ or sexual assault victims, nor adequate medical or mental health for War-Time sufferers of PTSD, is not even adequate. Let's look at untrained or inadequately trained personnel, trying to help PTSD and medically challenging injuries.<br />
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I think my knowledge, as it relates to War Time Veterans suffering from injury to both mental and physical aspects of their bodies; The Veteran's Administration has at minimum, discounted the importance of time, when addressing an issue. Time is not on the Veteran's side, when seeking out help for what ever the ailment they suffer from<br />
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Now, in current time, the United States Government is holding accountable, a man who served his country, who is by all of my research a model soldier, who has been put into place as Head Administrator of the Veteran's Administration, accountable for past results (or lack thereof), within the Veteran's Administration. <br />
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Now, it has been my experience, that in any Governmental Agency, in any branch of Governmental body, or agency over-seen by the Federal Government, changes come every four or six years. Now, you may disagree, but normally during a change of administration of a given entity, it takes the first four years for the newly appointed administrator to get a glimpse and idea of what needs to and can be changed. It takes approximately the fifth or sixth year to get new policy in force and about the next two years to get the new policy to start becoming effective. Even under Congressional and Senate over-sight, this has been historically the pattern that is followed and plays out.<br />
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Now, I am not necessarily a supporter of the new Administrator of the Veteran's Administration. However, he is being used as a "Scape-Goat" for all the prior failures of service, on hand in regards to the VA's Medical and Mental Health services.<br />
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As of this moment, there are no specialists or services, to address Male sexual assault, or Male Sexual Rape Victimization. As of this moment, the services that are being offered is based on the norm of "Male on Female" Sexual Assault and Sexual Rape cases. However, it has been noted by the VA themselves and male Victims, that the programs that are in tact for Male on Male Sexual Assault is the same as the Male on Female programs.<br />
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It must be noted, that although either sex victimization is very serious; Male Sexual Assault and Male on Male Sexual Rape, can be more devastating than a Rape of a female victim. I wish not to discount the effects upon any Female whom has suffered the trauma of Sexual Assualt/Rape. Please do not believe that is my opinion.<br />
<br />However, in contrast to the Female Rape Victim, the Male victim has primarily Egoistical issues and Social Psychological issues that come into play. Sexual Identity, Sexual Preference questioning, Self Doubts, Depression based on the prior issues, to include some added insult to the Rape or attack, that would be suffered by the female. These issues are societies pressures that are applied to men, as the stronger sex; which has been in existence since the "Caveman Times." <br />
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However, if a man were to approach the Veteran's Administration, in effort to deal with the matters at hand, they are considered Weak, their attack is discounted and in some cases (as in mine) minimized by blame shifting, to include that the victim has for some reason, asked for such treatment by the attacker. There is no "Due Process" in most cases, as most Sexual Assault Victims whom are male, often suffer in Silence. I suffered in Silence for over 30 years.<br />
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Now, although this is not only on the sexual assault victim populace, but it also includes the medically needed services, needed by Veteran's of Foreign Wars, such as Vietnam, Iraq and also Afghanistan campaigns. <br />
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I am sure most have heard of the potential 40 plus Veterans whom died after being put off, by the Veteran's Administration, to schedule routine procedures. Although horrific, the Veterans Administration and the Department of Defense has discounted the events, tremendously to mute bad publicity. <br />
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Every day, thousands of Veterans are scheduled out to over 30 days for basic services, on average. The same procedures that are sought after by public health care providers, are mandated to be within a more reasonable time frame, via HEPA policies. Why should the Veteran's Administrative health care system be held to a higher standard? I affirm that my belief is that it, the Veterans Administration, should be held to a higher standard of care, than the public standards.<br />
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It is funny that in the Military Sector, Air Craft has multiple redundancies to ensure safe operation and safe return of Military personnel. It is notable that Public transportation Air Traffic systems and requirements, have only two or less redundancies for safety. Why are the same number of redundancies in tact, for the Sufferers of War time Injuries and mental health concerns follow the same pattern of redundancy count?<br />
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Personally, I feel the resignation of the current Veteran's Administration's Chief, is no more than the President Obama denial of responsibility and putting the Administration's failures and short-comings, onto the back of a man who has served his post a limited amount of time, to save the political parties face, for the up-coming running for the Presidency, and due to Coward-ness on part of the President. <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-41955542633817343162014-04-27T15:20:00.002-07:002014-04-27T15:20:46.130-07:00It's Not My Fault. The Attack Was At The Hands Of Others, But Also Is Recovery.<br />
I don't know about being a good writer, nor being the next Hemmingway. I
just know I have a tale to tell. I am upset with the level of efficiency within the VA. and the folks who fail to perform their duties, and to fulfill their obligations
to Veterans, who serve and protect our Citizens on a daily basis, or
whom have served in that capacity. <br /><br />I am neither brave, nor am I
courageous, in what I have been doing or in anything I have ever done
in life. I just don't want anyone to suffer the impact of being put in
the situations I have been in... I don't want anyone to have to search out help, that is currently not available through the Veteran's Administration, nor do I wish to have anyone suffer the disappointments of being turned away from an agency that was designed to help Veterans, whom have served their country.<br />
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If you are trying to decide on whether or not to file a claim, through the Veteran's Administration, you are in fact heading down a long and arduous path. Especially on a claim for PTSD and/or PTSD related to Military Sexual Assault. here are some things you will want to have with you, when you begin your claim.<br />
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This information was found at the website located at:
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<div style="font-family: "Calibri Light"; font-size: 20.0pt; margin: 0in;">
<a href="http://www.dav.org/learn-more/news/2014/military-sexual-trauma-claims-re-evaluated/">http://www.dav.org/learn-more/news/2014/military-sexual-trauma-claims-re-evaluated/</a></div>
<div style="font-family: "Calibri Light"; font-size: 20.0pt; margin: 0in;">
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<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt; margin-bottom: 7pt; margin-left: .375in; margin-top: 0pt;">
The VA has also relaxed the evidentiary
requirements necessary to validate a claim. Claims-rating specialists now look
for “markers” that indicate a specified traumatic event. These can include:</div>
<ul style="direction: ltr; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .375in; margin-top: 0in; unicode-bidi: embed;" type="disc">
<li style="color: #333333; line-height: 15pt; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;">Records
from law enforcement authorities, rape crisis centers, mental health
counseling centers, hospitals or physicians</span></li>
<li style="color: #333333; line-height: 15pt; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;">Relationship
issues, such as divorce</span></li>
<li style="color: #333333; line-height: 15pt; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;">Pregnancy
tests or tests for sexually transmitted diseases</span></li>
<li style="color: #333333; line-height: 15pt; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;">Statements
from family members, roommates, fellow service members, clergy members or
counselors</span></li>
<li style="color: #333333; line-height: 15pt; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;">Requests
for transfer to another military duty assignment</span></li>
<li style="color: #333333; line-height: 15pt; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;">Deterioration
in work performance</span></li>
<li style="color: #333333; line-height: 15pt; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;">Substance
abuse</span></li>
<li style="color: #333333; line-height: 15pt; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;">Episodes
of depression, panic attacks or anxiety without an identifiable cause</span></li>
<li style="color: #333333; line-height: 15pt; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;">Unexplained
economic or social behavioral changes</span></li>
<li style="color: #333333; line-height: 15pt; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;">Sexual dysfunction.</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;">Now, these are the basics of what I am hearing, that is required for a good chance of approval on your claim(s).. However, who knows how long or how much of a standard this will be and for how long it will or will not be the standard.. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;">According to the website, cited above, the Veterans Affairs is supposed to be relaxing the burden of proof, required to prove MST and related PSTD, suffered by Veterans.. However, the site suggests that reviews of previously declined claims, can be reviewed for approval, under the supposedly new guidelines.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;">A Friend of mine stated something to me, in passing, that I should submit a statement. The fact is; is that the statement she suggested, was very true and a matter of fact.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I have no issues with family members, as I have no family members." This not only will work with Friends, as well as with family members. It is funny, that only someone who has suffered as I have, by means of my own Assault, but also the PTSD which had been carried in silence for over 30 years.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;">Recently, however, I can start to say that is slowly changing into a more positive outlook. Since my breaking my silence and seeking help, I have realized that connections with others are slowly coming about. </span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"> And I am beginning to be thankful for the issues, which come along with those connections.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;">Now, I know the Veteran's Affairs and Mental Health programs, not to forget the medical programs, are lacking to say the least. However, if that is all you have; Utilize that and get your claims started. Most importantly, get someone on your side and take a stand for what is rightfully yours; Your Life and Happiness.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-size: small;">I am slowly coming to know that the attack that took so much from me, is and was not my fault. There was nothing I could do, to prevent it or to thwart it. It was in the hands of others, not mine. Well surviving the attack also is in your hands, but will require a huge amount of assistance which is outside of your hands. </span> </span>If you decide to go to the Veterans Administration for assistance, and I strongly suggest doing so, you will probably want to seek out a Veteran's Claims Specialist, through your local American Legion, or through the VA clinic's in your area. They will be most valuable in packaging your claim, for submission, as they know the guidelines of what is expected through the VA claim processes. <br />
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It is neither my fault that the attack on my person occurred. Nor was the attack within my hands. It was at the hands of others whom I have no control over. With that being said, I must also say that Recovery, or moving from victim to Survivor, is in your hands and others whom are being supportive in the right and proper manner and in the proper settings.<br />
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I pray for your recovery and for your finding your new life, being all you ever hoped for. I also pray for your regaining your self-respect and self identity, which you can be proud of.<br />
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There is help out there for anyone whom can just swallow their pride, pull up their sleeves, and just muster the courage to ask for help.. Believe me, I never asked for help and always tried to tackle life on my own, with out ever knowing how to ask. But when I did finally ask for help, I was surprised on who all came to my aide.<br />
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Good Luck and Bless..<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-79170129817632204122014-04-27T06:20:00.001-07:002014-04-27T06:20:36.868-07:00Veteran's Administration, Disrespecting Our Veteran's and Thier Sacrifices.<br /><br />
There seems to be no shortage, of those Veterans, whom have died needlessly due to delays of the help, both medically and mentally. All of us know that Veterans sacrifice their minds, bodies and souls while in service, of our country. Even in non-combative eras, Our Veterans are separated from familiarity of family, friends, and still selflessly give their allegiance towards the safety, the soundness and the serenity, of all citizens of the United States; both abroad and here in the States.<br />
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I know that I do not have to point out, nor can I adequately cover the immenseness of sufferance, nor the depth of the services that our Veterans give; no matter which era, or what war they did or did not serve. The fact that they downed the United States Military Uniform, should speak volumes about our Veterans, and the selfless efforts they have contributed towards the institution of Freedom, and the safety of our Country.<br />
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With all said, it is our duty; including the duty of our veterans, to be there for our Veterans whom are coming out from active service and to support the Veterans whom have been out, dealing with injury and hardships. As a Veteran, I feel that all Current Veterans and all of the Veterans to come; are owed the dedication to our safety and our health; and yes the support from our Governmental Agencies.<br />
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Now, as it was back when I came from service of our great nation, the Governmental Agencies have been fast to turn Veterans away, or delay such services which were designed to assist Veterans with easier migration, back into society. More specifically, the lack-luster way that the Veterans Administration has handled medical and mental health claims, has been nothing short of shameful and disrespectful to our Veterans and their families.<br />
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Last week, I believe, It was brought to light that <a href="http://www.newsmax.com/Newsfront/Veterans-Administration-Phoenix-healthcare-CNN/2014/04/24/id/567417/" target="_blank">40 Veterans had lost their lives</a>, due to delays in Medically needed services. These same delays, will not surprisingly be rewarded by bonuses to the Veteran Administrative authority, within the facility and network management/Commanders.<br />
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IT is not uncommon for basic testing to take up to 5 or 6 months (if not longer), to find a diagnosis or to treat an already pre-existing condition. It is not uncommon for disruption of services, to lower over-head and to accommodate lack of trained personnel availability issues. By unjustifiably denying services, or delaying services, the Veteran Administration can then report less money being spent during a fiscal year reporting period.<br />
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Is one to believe that those deaths, in Phoenix, AZ. are an isolated issue. I Submit that it is not even the tip of the proverbial ice-burg. It may be that the matter occurred during a short period of time; and has been reported into the news agencies, to draw attention to the matter. However, it is far from being the strange and uncommon facts of truth, that has existed for as long as I can recall; and probably since a lot farther back than that.<br />
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Yes, since the leak which was reported by a Veterans Affairs Service Worker, whom was assigned to that particular facility. However, the matter extends beyond this one incident. It is an ongoing event that holds Veteran's lives, in the balance while the "Bean Counters" and Administrative bodies play a Sick game of Monopoly with our Veteran's and their families lives and safety.<br />
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They, whom ever "They are" decided that Senator McCain and other Governmental representatives, needed to make a public speech or two. To discuss their distain. their dissention and their disgust at the matter.. <br />
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Now, I have to put emphasis on the sentence just proceeding this note.<br />
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So, <a href="http://www.newsmax.com/Newsfront/Veterans-Administration-Phoenix-healthcare-CNN/2014/04/24/id/567417/" target="_blank">Senator McCain</a>, who is a multiple time Veteran and POW, who supposedly is the outspoken spokesperson in the governmental body, for Veterans and for our Troops is speaking NOW on how amazed and upset he is at the matter that cost those 40 lives. However, he has known of the Veteran's Administration's Medical and Mental Health shortcomings, since he came back from Viet Nam Campaigns of service, where he served our Nation.<br />
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Yes, I am picking on Senator McCain; and maybe it is unwarranted to some extent. I know the matter at hand, goes beyond him and any one person; unless of course, you are the Commander of the individual Veterans Administration Medical/Mental Health facility who is getting a bonus for short falling services, to our Nation's Heroes. (Let it be said, all whom have served, are Heroes.)<br />
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So, what is the solution? I have not the answer. However, in the realm of helping all forms of aid to all Veterans, should see significant improvement. I suppose that any sort of assistance, to anyone Veteran will be all too late coming and probably will be all to late to help those families whom have lost family members. What Catches my eye, is that with this "Whistle-blower" coming forward and making such a "Stink" with the Media, it will probably only cause a "blip" on the radar in our Government no matter how many Senator John McCain's there are, who are all of the sudden willing to address the matter.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-66452983130392948532014-04-13T18:08:00.002-07:002014-04-13T18:08:48.338-07:00You Can Never UnderstandI have been writing this blog, for over six months. I have addressed some issues and the lacking nature of agencies, Rape Crisis Agencies, and our Government's lacking discipline to properly address the lack of training. Lack of training, lack of asset allocations, lack of interests, while putting out the pretense that they are trying to address Male MST/PTSD Veteran survivors.<br />
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I have taken most of my time addressing issues that I deal with on a daily basis, and things I am doing to find assistance for my Issues, concerning PTSD and the MST I suffered, during my Military Service. I know that I have spent most of these six months addressing this aspect of my life, for a reason.<br />
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Now, you may not be an actual victim of Military Sexual Trauma, or suffering PTSD. You see, it's not whether or not you actually have suffered the direct attack, or the direct impact of the trauma that someone else has suffered to be effected. A loved one, a neighbor, a friend, a family member, who has suffered through these aspects of the trauma, needs to have others around them to ask questions, to identify cues and hints, to not just brush mild displays of depression, anxiety, anger, rage, or other mental issues, to lend a hand.<br />
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Reading through my blogs, of both present and past, can give you some sort of indications that someone is in need of help. But just because they, themselves may claim they are fine, it can seriously rub off onto an innocent by-stander, who is close to the person, whom is suffering. Reaching out for assistance, even for yourself, to empower yourself to cope with the stresses, can mean the differences between the longevity of any relationship. <br />
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Personally, I have suffered the losses of two marriages and the loss of family members, friends and missed opportunities, due to my own mental health issues and due to the fact that the Military and Veteran's Administration had and has turned their backs on me. I hid all of the issues by pushing the ones closest to me away. withholding emotions and trust and even commitment, all in the name of my injuries and the sufferance's of my Sexual Assault, and the beatings I endured. <br />
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Reaching out, is not something to be ashamed of. Realizing that you need help finding yourself, or helping someone find themselves, through therapy of some sort, may not be welcomed at first. However, after the initial shock of admitting there is a problem and seeking out help for yourself or a loved one, the rewards are tremendous. <br />
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I used to push help away in several ways, but mostly by becoming very defensive towards anyone who asserted my need for help. I had the attitude that if no one had suffered what I had, they would not ever be able to understand. If someone could not understand, how can they help me? I personally am in the process of realizing that the person who is helping you, does not have to understand, to be of assistance to you, or your loved one. It is the other person who can help you, or your loved one whom is suffering, understand the issue enough to file away the matter. By properly addressing the issues at hand, the sufferer is capable to move past the individual sticking points of the trauma (s), and the attack itself.<br />
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As features come available to me, through my own journey into understanding my pain and the various facets of my traumas, I will share the progress and the set backs. I will be trying to integrate the short comings and the progress professionals are taking, to address Our issues. I will try to share with you, both good and bad points, as I see them, and let you decide your own points of interest.<br />
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But the main thing of all this, is that if you have a friend, a neighbor, a family member or other loved one is suffering in silence; help them help themselves without becoming consumed into the trauma yourself.( IF possible.) Looking back on my past, I see where my wife (wives), have suffered as I did and am. I was so caught up in hiding my pain, that I failed to recognize their pain and therefore brought relationships to their ends.<br />
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So, from this point I am working towards doing more research on my posts, towards education of both my readership and myself, on the progress of our military, our Government, and the Veterans Administration, in preparing their staff towards addressing and properly treating the needs of our veterans. From time to time, I will also be looking at civilian efforts in addressing male sexual assault, as well. <br />
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If you wish to contact me, or reach out to me, please leave a comment asking for me to contact you. IF you are a someone who is looking for help, you can reach out to me, and I will try and assist you in finding help, as best as I can. IF you have questions, please reach out to me and I will try to answer your concerns. However, if you are questioning my qualification, or my being capable of understanding, please take time to read previous posts of mine, and then make a decision. But in either case, please reach out to someone. DON"T SUFFER IN SILENCE.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-83689509497675585482014-04-13T12:39:00.002-07:002014-04-13T12:39:19.549-07:00A Glmpse Into What Could Be<br />
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You know I have struggled on what to write on today's blog post. I have ranted and vented and informed the readers on my attack, the events and feelings I have struggled with over the last 30 plus years. As I have lived in silence, and as I have stated in previous posts, lived in a self made prison of emotions, anger, rage and the wish that the people who took part in my Sexual assault, while I was in the Military, I also have let life pass me by. Well Today, I am going to discuss something that happened to me, just this weekend; because of what I posted about last week. Letting go.<br />
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I have accepted what has occurred to me, and have found an avenue of helping me live past the aftermath of my Attack. After 30 plus years of sufferance, after two marriages and losing my family and friends, after losing everything I owned, multiple times; I became weary of losing and of losses I could not control. I went past the Veteran's Administration, whom by the way has been ineffective in assisting me, and hired a private Therapist. (I want to mention, she has been fantastic in her efforts.)<br />
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The point is; I reached out and realized I needed help! I did not stop at finding an outlet. On the verge of giving up on life, and already given up on all hope, reaching out has been invaluable to finding out that there is no need to give up, when there are folks out there who are willing to step beyond themselves, and stretch out their talents beyond their "Norm" to reach out a hand to you..<br />
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The messages which lay within the lines of this post, is that no one knows you need help, unless you tell them and put aside your pride. Just search and reach out to find someone who will listen and lend a hand. Ever since the day of my Sexual Assault, I found out real quick that asking for help was pointless, therefore I gave up on asking for help in every aspect of my life. As an assault victim, especially a Sexual Assault Victim, you find out real quick that no one wants to hear the realities of being in that position. No one wants their lives tainted, and pretty soon you begin feeling that there is no point in asking.<br />
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Putting your head down and dredging through the pain, building up the defenses, suffering when no one is looking, is the new "Norm" of life you will come to, or have come., to know. So, you construct a "game face" and live your life behind that mask while in public; not letting anyone close to you see the real you. The draw back to doing this over time, is that you not only start hiding from those close to you, you also lose your own self identity. Over time you lose everything; including yourself.<br />
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Well, through the help of my therapist I was given a chance to get "a glimpse into what could be."<br />
By this, It was mildly suggested that I venture out to experience something I have never experience before. No, not anything dangerous, nothing self revealing, nothing which on it's surface would be seen as putting anyone at risk at all. But for me, it was something that made me face a long laid fear, along sense of anxiety, and not only had me reliant on one big feature, which my Attack had taken away, It made me put trust in both my therapist and the person I was now asking to help me, face these fears and anxieties. (By the way, the second person involved was never before known by myself.) In the onset, I had to place trust and faith in my therapist, that she would not place me in any sort of danger, or in a compromising position. (A difficult leap of faith, To say the least.)<br />
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Well, as things would happen, it turned out to not only a means to face many anxieties, and my fears, it actually ended up opening up many more things that I had never before experienced, on the positive side. After my adventure, I took the rest of the evening and explored a place and experience, I had once enjoyed, prior to my entering the Military and thus prior to my Sexual Assault...<br />
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It took a place, that I had visited over a million times; and turned it into a new adventure of and into itself. You see, for a little while I saw this familiar place through a different set of eyes. I saw the people in a different light and was actually light hearted. (something I had not experienced in over the 33 years of being a victim.) The relaxed nature with no pretense, with no obligation to hide, with no inhabitations, and with the sole intention of being there for ME, changed my view of hope which I had never before seen it.<br />
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After walking the pier and the beaches of Huntington Beach, CA. I went to a sidewalk café/ bar and grill and had what seemed to be the best dinner, I had experienced in as long back as I could recall. I had a half glass of beer to wash dinner down. It seemed that the food amazingly tasted better, People gathered around me, as I was joking and laughing, light heartedly, with both patrons and the waitresses and staff of the establishment. I even experienced a spontaneous request from a person whom asked to join me, at my table. The reason for me to share this, is because for the first time, in what seems like forever, I felt like I was someone who was likeable, who was engaging, who was worth something aside of being referred as a monster, or someone everyone was fighting to get away from.<br />
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I had experienced a new set of experiences, that I had never before allowed myself to experience, because of self constructed walls and barriers. I was able for some reason to experience this without the heavy heart, the heavy load of my past.. In fact, there was no discussions of my past and for a while, my past or anyone else's past never came up or into question. It was just a bunch of folks enjoying a hearty laugh, and a memorable memory. This normally would have been an experience I would have had avoided at all costs.<br />
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I know you probably are thinking something along the lines of "Well, good for you!" I understand why you would say this, or something like this. But by saying or taking that position, you are also taking away from yourself if you are someone who had been Raped, Sexually Assaulted, Attacked, Mugged or suffered any other type of trauma; and refused to reach out for help in dealing with it, or for trying to seek a way to self-rediscovery.<br />
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I hope that my Glimpse into what could be, and the fact that I realized that I had lost so much. I want to encourage you to take a pro-active approach towards getting help and working through the ghosts, monsters and even demons, which were saddled along with the identity of being a victim. <br />
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In the limited time, I have utilized the aide of a therapist; I have learned and discovered so much about myself and my life. I do honestly know it is only the beginning. However, even through the hard road ahead, I look a little more forward than I had previous to this weekends events. I could not have done this, without asking for help and being encouraged by a long time friend, to seek out local assistance and therapy.<br />
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Bottom line: IF you know someone, or are someone who has been suffering in silence (as I did) for any length of time, Get that someone the help, or get to someone who can help them; help themselves. If you are a Veteran of the Military, who has suffered at the hands of your comrades, who you trusted and put your faith in; go to the Veteran's Administration and ask for help. The point is: Get help, it will serve you well.<br />
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Good luck on your journey.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-12559938004710648882014-04-05T09:06:00.002-07:002014-04-05T09:06:25.063-07:00There Are No Pictures, No Words, No Reasons<br /><br />
There is always, and has always seemingly been a quest for a picture of Justice. Justice for the Attack I suffered while In the Military. Since It has been such a lapse of time, between this moment and the time of my being victimized; the only justice shall only come from the judgment upon the four individuals, which shall come in their passing into the hands of their Lord, their creator, their Idol of warship.<br />
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My attack left a shambles and fragments of a life, to fend for itself and to try to flourish into what and who and what I have become today, in this moment. Still fragmented, still experiencing all the hurt and all the hate and rage. Still filled with doubts and always questioning my every day of existence.<br />
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Shifting Anger among each of my attackers, at myself. Shifting Blame between what was unnamed and unidentified attackers, and myself kept me at bay from going forward. Searching for the answers, has only thus far only left me with more questions. 30 plus years, of sufferance kept in silence with no words to express the darkness, the loneliness, the isolation.<br />
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As I left the military, I was jailed within the walls of my living quarters, to which I was assigned during my service to my country, at the base I was also assigned. For over 30 years, I lived in a prison of the past and went into search of a way to escape that prison of brick walls, hard concrete slab floors covered with a blue and green colored carpet. I sought out answers and the key to remove myself with the Veteran's Administration, and as previous posts suggested was left to fend for myself and to begin a life of isolation.<br />
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Finally, I found some glimmer of hope with a private source to begin my path to healing. After 33 years of sufferance, I am now only just beginning a road to hopefully beginning to find answers and hope for some form of a productive future. Recovery, <br />
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Anger and Rage, Hate are all too powerful of not only words; but also actual emotions can lead to some pretty solid and tangible effects on one's life. These have guided me down paths that are not productive for my life, for which has been a part of all the limitations I have placed upon my life's path to move forward. <br />
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Although, I must admit it is a struggle to put these emotions into a proper order; I realized that doing so is a must for me to make more productive and progressive advances, in working past my past experiences and trauma. You see, This last week I realized a lesson I learned when I was younger. A very difficult lesson in morality, and in reality which I had held onto all of my life and has guided me into being able to keep fighting.<br />
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You see, I finally realized something after a session past, which has been with me all along. I was taught that judging another is of no consequence, as is hating and holding onto anger and rage. A revelation was made clear to me, in the referenced session, which led me to see that all these years; the anger, rage and Hate being placed upon my attackers; has potentially kept me imprisoned in that very room, where my attack and the aftermath had pyramided to take on a life of it's own.<br />
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There are not any reasons which can properly give justification for the attack which had launched upon me. There are no words to remove the experiences and the pains of which were placed upon me. There are no pictures which can depict the shame and feelings of defenselessness and self degradation of myself; nor the years of aftermath which had followed.<br />
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It is not my job to forgive, as I am sure that will be either dealt with within the soul of my attackers; which will have to be rectified and judged by their maker. It really seems pointless for me to decide to forgive or not to forgive. Not to mention, it is an added burden I wish not to bear.<br />
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However, one might decide is the role of forgiveness; it is my feeling that it is the hate and the rage and the self inflicted inadequacies that has to be addressed. It is however my choice to work on redirecting that anger, that rage that mountain of other feelings towards not the people who committed a horrific onslaught of devastation upon my life, upon me, upon my past families; and try to fight towards placing those emotions towards a place that is manageable. On the acts, the decisions, the bad choices; which were undertaken and acted upon by the people whom attacked me.<br />
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If ever comes a time, that my attackers are to come to read this; I want them to know something;<br />
I am working hard to refuse to hate you. It is a huge mountain I choose to climb; but it has to be conquered; that right now is my mission in life. But I do want you to know that I will work towards placing more of those emotions towards your actions, your choices and towards the path and devastation you caused through those actions and choices; of which you beat me down with.<br />
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I will also extend this message to my attackers. I wish you well. I wish you well, because I have a feeling your creator, your God will carry all the weighted harm, and judge you himself. that now is not my job, it is now between you and your God. I am working on moving forward.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-56325059328794627422014-02-18T23:08:00.001-08:002014-02-18T23:08:45.100-08:00A Prisoner In The Room<br />
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I remember almost every intimate detail of the dormitory room, where I suffered a horrific beating and sexual assault. The colt hard bricks which made up the walls. The steel door and doorway, which remained locked and closed during and after the attack, where no one came and sought out my presence. The bar situated next to the door, the chairs which surrounded the bar, the wall unit which housed the bottles of alcohol, the carpet which adorned the floor, the chest of drawers which bordered the area between the bunked beds and the bar area. I remember the doorway to the shared shower; which was situated between two rooms, the tile flooring in the latrine (bathroom), the toilet and the small portal of a window to exhaust the steam of the shower and air the room.<br />
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I remember this room, because I have been imprisoned in this room, for over 33 years. I fell out of the second story of the bunked beds, onto hard concrete non-padded carpet covered floor, after what seemed to be an eternity of laying in a pool of urine and blood; unable to move due to a horrific beating that took place, during the attack. I remember crawling inch by inch, to the latrine; every inch of which was wracked with pain from what seemed to be every part of my body, not to mention the loss of breath after each out-reach of my arms and movement of my legs.<br />
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The room spun like I was on a merry-go-round, or was it my head swimming from all that had happened that particular weekend, while I tried to get to the Shower stall and gather up the steel wool and the scrub brush I wanted in the shower and later scrubbed my own body with to an unmentionable level of added pain and injury.<br />
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I recall every part of trying to get out of the shower, to dry off and start cleaning up the room. On my stomach, I wiped down the walls, the dresser drawers and cabinets, pull down the bedding of both beds, to conceal the blood spatter. I recall the tears I wept, which fell upon the flooring where I earlier had fallen, when I exited the bed for the first time.<br />
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All of this and more, I recall of the dormitory where I was housed at the time of my assault. Although I have been out of the military since 83, walked out on the streets of America, gone fishing and learned new things; I am constantly reminded of this room every time I peer into a mirror, or anything that allows the casting of a reflective image and my face is shown back to me.<br />
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Although I have been married twice, since my separation from the Air Force, I have not yet been able to leave the images, the smells, the odors, the coldness and harshness of that room. Although I have been to achieve three (3) educational degrees, owned a thriving business which later was sold, I have basically been homeless, until just recently. However, I have still been a prisoner of that room<br />
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No matter whom may have experience similar experiences, or to what degree they had experienced the act of Sexual Assault, male or female, these memories and the ways that their memories haunt their very existence to a point where they have basically have shut down, from time to time, it is no less traumatic, nor demeaning and degrading to each of the victims of Sexual Assault.<br />
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I know my experiences may not mirror exactly what someone else had suffered through. Maybe theirs was worse or not so bad; either way it may have happened or came about it still is devastating to the person as a whole. No matter the outcome of their lives, they are forever scarred and forever different from what they should or could have been had the circumstances not invaded their and my lives. <br />
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I like so many have yet to find help, for the issues that have come with my attack. I am partially to blame for my not getting the help I needed; but when the times came for me to seek assistance, I was shuffled around to a point whereby I was consistently asking myself if I would not be better off to quite and give up looking for help. I have suffered with my victimization and my imprisonment in silence; afraid of what others would think of me, to find out I was a victim of such a crime.<br />
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I once did look for assistance back when I first came out of the military, and gave up on myself back then, because no one wanted to hear of such issues, being present within the military. I once again after so long have came out to seek assistance, with no such aide to be had. It is a shame, especially when three months after I did start my inquiry for assistance to escape my prison, the President of the United States and the Senate held hearings, and policy hearings were held and new procedures enacted to handle and address Sexual Assault victim's needs, nothing has so far been done on the Veteran's Level, to speak of.<br />
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I know I am not alone out here, going through this. I know that my prison of 30 plus years, is not the only prison which is being inhabited by some victim, somewhere whom is going through the motions of living, while still residing within the walls of the place where their attack took place. Some in Alley ways, some in dorm rooms, some in motels and some in Lord knows where.<br />
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Where ever you are, victims of Sexual Assault which derived from within the Military; I know you are out here and I know you are in pain. Just know, you are not alone in your sufferance, and not alone in trying to get help to live a more quantitative, more meaningful life, while trying to escape your prison of memories and horrors. I know I am not alone out here.<br />
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Bless all of you who have suffered at the hands of others. Bless all of you who have suffered in silence and most of all bless all of you who were veterans, like I am, who had others turn their backs on you when you ask for help.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-13038523936824445482014-02-08T19:32:00.003-08:002014-02-08T19:32:35.192-08:00In Reflection<br /><br />
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Standing in a mirror, gazing at a reflection of the days and years past, can be quite revealing and yet can lead to some confusion. Is it the model of the reflection or the story that the reflection reveals?</div>
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This last few months have been trying to say the least. Between the moving about, from one place to another and not being sure where to know where to stand or from what to walk away from has probably been the most challenging thing for me of late.<br />
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The Anxiety, has been rampant not to mention the depressive swings and the aimlessness of my actions, have been of late a bit to handle. In the last few months I have moved from three places of residence, been between four room-mates, scurrying between loss of breath and full of energy, to being drained and having feelings of dizziness. From what places does all of this come from? Or does it really matter?<br />
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Where does one go, when they feel that there is no where that he or she belongs? Who can you call, when there seems not to be anyone can understand? Going through the motions of caring, when you really have not the first idea of how to care anymore, is a real challenge; to say the least. Compassion is the last thing that you feel that any one has shared with you, so how can you have an idea of who and how to show compassion; without an example of what compassion or love is?<br />
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These are some of the questions of which I have been faced with, over these last thirty something years, since I was attacked in the Air Force. As you can probably see, it is hard to live with these questions always being present and always coming about. I have been told it is a part of the PTSD, suffered from the night of my Rape. Only a few of the questions, which have haunted me since that time, have ever came to actually being asked by someone else.<br />
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It is even stranger to me, how to find what brings out the worse of the episodes, which bring back the memories of that night, in the barracks of my assigned duty station. I have always since been a prisoner of that room, of that shower stall where I peeled the skin off of my arms, legs, back with steel wool in an attempt to get the disgust and the filth off of me. Somehow I felt it would cleanse me of the horror I suffered in that dorm room; but it has not done that.<br />
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It amazes me, at times, how someone can put another on the back burner when they are seeking out assistance of this magnitude. However, the Veterans Administration has done that and more to make matters worse for me. <br />
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I fear loss of my career, daily. A Career which I have worked so hard to build with skills I have works so hard to hone; to be at risk of being swept away by the mere utterance of PTSD or Anxiety or Depression. Yet, like a lot of fellow Veterans, my requests of help and assistance keeps being put on hold or on review.<br />
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Okay, so the President put into place policies which are supposed to address the matter of Sexual Assault in the Military. That is fantastic, I think. Probably the first bona-fide "good" thing that man has done. However, it has not trickled down the Veteran's Administration (it seems), or if it has it appears to have been put on the back burner by the providers within the Veteran's Administration and the Department of Defense.<br />
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Yes the reflections of what a person is to be, or is to expect is not being found by myself or by others whom have suffered this type of Trauma, within the Veteran's Administration at all as far as my line of sight can tell.<br />
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Daily episodes of Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Dizziness and Disorientation, is common place with me; all of which has been labeled within the scope of my PTSD Diagnosis. Being on a stance of Hyper vigilance, on edge most of the day, seems to occupy my thoughts and actions while I have to extend sometimes dangerous tasks to the public. <br />
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Connecting with others has lately become a goal of mine, after 30 plus years of not being able to do so. Taking back seat to others to allow them to do what they wish on the surface, has probably been the most difficult thing for me to do, when I am always feeling like I have to have control. <br />
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I am lucky, I suppose. Lucky, in that I have found a few people that I have started to reach out to. Tried to connect with, to start working on Trust issues. In some cases, throwing all caution to the wind, and preparing for the worse outcome. I am fortunate that since doing this, with pain-staking anxiety episodes, has so far been a positive move for me. But I feel guilty, in that through all of it, I am still on guard for the worst outcome to jump in and validate my suspicions. <br />
I pray however, that does not occur; because the current trend is a huge positive thus far.<br />
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More to come....<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-36396723913434162042014-01-12T10:52:00.001-08:002014-01-12T10:53:22.301-08:00A Month's Journey In Hell<br />
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Today's blog post is not an unusual one, from the other posts which have been placed here. No, In fact, it's one which runs right in line of showing how the Veteran's Administration has turned it's back on men who have been Sexually assaulted, or claimed to have been sexually assaulted in the Military.<br />
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You see, I understand that our Commander In Chief, President Obama, has claimed to have climbed in on the band-wagon of providing services for Veterans who have been sexually assaulted, while serving in the military. However, his public vocalization of the matter has not provided any improvement of services. In kind, the Congressional actions along with the Senate's actions towards addressing the matter, has not helped much either. AT least in the recent past to the present. It seems that their attempts to enact policies which is supposed to allow for better addressing the issues, has not yet reached the Veteran's Administration's offices or clinics.<br />
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I have been asking for assistance for over four (4) months, and have yet to set in a session with my assigned Counselor, at my assigned Clinic, in Corona, California. However, the only contact I have received bills for medications, which I do not take. When I address this with my supposed Doctor, she tries to push me towards the main Facility at Loma Linda, CA. I do not wish to go to this facility, due to the fact that all they seem to wish to do is medicate.<br />
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Well, this last two months I have had several episodes of a whole variety of PTSD related attacks. Depression, Anxiety, and Anger, Confusion, disorientation, forgetfulness and also have placed myself in dangerous situations. All my calls to the clinic to plead to the Counselor, had fallen on "Deaf Ears" and in fact on one occasion I had the person on the phone, hang up on me; leaving me to call the crisis hot line.<br />
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I moved to a new location/residence on one occasion, which allowed me to change a previous negative situation. On first glances and impressions, it appeared to be a good move towards starting out on a new chapter in my life. This was supposed to have allowed me to gain more independence, more freedom which my previous living situation did not allow. It also allowed me to start rebuilding my life and start seeking expansions of my "horizons," in an effort to find and to regain my identity and break negative cycles which were taking me nowhere.<br />
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On December 1st, I made the move, which would prove to be not only dangerous emotionally, but potentially would have led to a break, which most probably would have led to me harming someone; whom was innocent, due to their pushing buttons, which I now realize were not only emotional buttons, but were "Triggers" for my PTSD and Anger issues. Luckily, I realized what was going on, and removed myself from the situation. I will not go without mentioning that I had to call the Police to assist in my removal, away from the situation. In this situation, when I moved away from the home, I placed myself in, I also walked away from a stable job as the issues that this family brought into my life, was being brought to my work by one of my new room-mates, which upped the ante of risks.<br />
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I was forced back to my previously negative and emotionally abusive environment, to regroup and organize my life and I had to do so at this point, without a job. Why did I walk away from a stable job, that I was comfortable in? To cut off access to me, by the family I left behind with which I had moved in with.<br />
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After about two days of being in an emotional heap, and basically a shell of a human that had no where to go, except an offer of moving across the country to a secured home, I was emotionally bouncing off of the walls, pacing at all hours of the night; restless nights sleep leaving me exhausted and not able to think clearly, or remembering much of anything. <br />
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Well, Luckily, I made a few phone calls and from a former employer I was able to secure a place of employment doing what I enjoyed doing with people who have always been there be supportive of me since my return from the Air Force, back in 1983. However, the offer of a job did not come without stipulations and conditions. One of which I figured was most positive for me; I had to move closer to their facility to allow me to be readily accessible to the company, when needed. <br />
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After searching, I found what I thought was a stable place to move, which was alignment with the conditions of my new employer. On one Saturday, I moved in and stayed my first night; which came to be an emotional nightmare. A female roommate, who also is a veteran, and whom I later found out was suffering from PTSD from war action over in Iraq. She had locked herself into her room and was screaming, hitting walls, talking incoherently and I could not figure out what the problems was.. AT first, I thought that she was being taken care of by the person who rented me a room. <br />
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The Female locked herself in the room, was later revealed to me that she was in Iraq and was taking medications prescribed by the V.A., for PTSD and never before displayed erratic behaviors before. The next day, The girl still did not come out of the room.. It had been over 34 hours since I had moved in and this girl had not even come out to use the bathroom to relieve herself, or to wash or get anything to drink.. when we called the paramedics and had her taken to get help, she was near death in appearance. <br />
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Upon the departure of the events that had evolved over the weekend, and 36 hours after I moved in, the "real" landlord came over and told us that we were being evicted, due to the disturbances of the sick Veteran. That night, on Sunday, after laying down for a nap to regenerate myself of the emotional roller coaster I was on. Waking up, I found my self in an all but completely empty house. The person who rented the room to me, had moved her stuff out and left me an envelope with only small portion of the rents I paid, which made finding a new place all but nearly impossible due to finances being taken away from me. I was back on the "roller coaster" ride, I tried to sleep through earlier, to add to the ride, I had only three days to relocate myself which was given to me by the actual owner of the home.<br />
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At one point during my adventure, which spanned for over a month now; I was on the V.A.'s Crisis Hot line. That point came after I spent almost two hours of scrubbing myself in the shower, as I did directly after my Sexual Assault, in the Air Force 31 years ago. Going through "Flashbacks", Chills, Anger, depressional Negotiations, Denial, Disorientation and I had seemingly lost track of time; which put me dangerously close to the time I had to report to work at my new job. Thank goodness for administrative processes, which kept me moving from agency to agency to get job clearances from other agencies; and not out trying to hoist large pieces of equipment.<br />
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I am happy to state that out of the "Blue Sky," I was reached out to by a recently discharged Army Vet, who listened to my woes and assisted me in a place to stay, with a possibility of a long term living arrangement, in the near future. I am also happy to say that my finances luckily turned around and that too is on the road to improvement.<br />
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The reasons that I am sharing this part of my life with you is to share not my adventure, so much as it is to show the relationship between the events and episodes I go through on an ongoing basis. IT is also being shared to show how inadequately the Veteran's Administration is addressing issues of PTSD, as it relates to PTSD itself and PTSD related to Sexual Trauma; more specifically PTSD with Male Sexual Trauma issues.<br />
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I am not whining about my situation, as much as trying to reach an understanding of what is happening with myself, and with others whom have suffered this sort of emotional issues, related to PTSD and Sexual Trauma; both male and female in trying to find assistance which they are entitled to, from the Veteran's Administration. I am also sharing this, to document my adventures for future references to allow those with the Veteran's Administration to view, and have active documentation of my journey in life.<br />
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More importantly, I am sharing this journey for those whom are suffering to be able to reach out to me, or someone else in effort to gain the help they need. Additionally, I want those who have been Sexually Assaulted (especially male victims), to know they are not alone and that their are others who understand and have gone through what they have gone through; and who do understand.<br />
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You can reach me at: garybrents@icloud.com. Please feel free to reach out, if you wish. OR you can just leave a comment or join my mailing list by filling out the form on this blog page. I believe with a mass voice, they might listen and get us all the assistance we all need and are seeking to deal with our issues, concerning getting the Veteran's Administration's attention and assistance; so we can work towards a better quality of life.<br />
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Take care and Bless.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-55706778843936842692013-12-09T14:34:00.002-08:002013-12-09T14:59:52.531-08:00Where Is The Trust?<br />
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It is said that trust can only come from someone who trusts themselves. Likewise, it is also said that Love Can only come from those whom love themselves. Although, these are true statements in my opinion, folks who look for trust, love, acceptance, and other virtues are often lacking in all or some of these. Would it not be logical to assume that due to Sexual Assault, Rape, or any other form of attack, that one or more of these virtues are stolen away? If that be the case, and since they are intertwined, would it not be logical to assume that one missing, make all of them to be missing?<br />
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Now in case you are wondering where that came from, Here is the back story, of the opening statements and questions.<br />
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A fellow co-worker came to me and asked me how and why could I be so cold, distant, brutally honest, and not care about anyone else's feelings. She was asking due to an incident regarding another co-worker who had messed up and almost caused himself to be injured. I have to say, yes, was very brutal and very cold blooded to the co-worker for being an absent minded. But something else was triggered when the female co-worker asked me those questions.<br />
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Although I gave her a pointed review of a reason, I knew that was not the only reason, I did and said what I said. However, A larger question entered my mind, about my actions and my re-action to the other co-worker. For some reason, I wanted to quantify the reasoning for my lack of emotion, my lack of trust, my lack of connection; and most of all why I was cold and so brutal.<br />
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Now, I do not fully understand the answer I came up with, but it fits what I was sort of looking for; Thus, the questions of which I addressed in the opening of this post. Here is what I came up with. <br />
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At 18 years old, and straight out of High School, I entered into the military. I had fully thrown mind body and soul into my commitment, to my Country, My Military Brothers, My Military Sisters, and for either one of them, I would have put my life and limbs on the line for, if needed. I was naive, and I was too open to do what ever it took to keep them all safe, within the powers given to me, by my God and My Country. <br />
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I had put my trust in My Country, My Command, and into my Fellow Soldier At Arms. I felt I had to, because I was to believe that they, meaning all of them, felt and was obligated to do the same for me. At 19 1/2 years old, that was shattered when I was attacked by four Airmen, in my own dorm room and left to survive on my own. No one came to my rescue, no one cared, no one acknowledged my questions or cries for help when I was able to ask for help. <br />
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Now, I was supposed to be there to have everyone's back, and when my back was turned, I needed someone to speak out, someone to come and help me. No one did, no one gave a damn. How in the hell can someone who just went through what I had, that weekend, say he would even lift a finger to help his fellow soldiers, who had betrayed his trust, the way my trust was torn apart?<br />
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When that attack was committed, I lost faith in myself, trust in myself, love of myself, security of myself, I lost respect in myself. To me, I lost everything good that was once alive and well, within myself, due to the acts of other Airmen, who I was sworn to fight with and to die for, if needed. <br />
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The military is a sorority, a tightly knitted group of people, who are obligated to watch out for the other, and to keep secrets in the best interest of the "Mission", for which the military stands for and acts upon on a daily basis. Secrets! The Military is riddled with them, from the top, downward to the field grunt. Some you are aware of, some if you become aware of you can lose your life or freedom over.<br />
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The level of trust I had for not only the military and my fellow soldier, was nothing to lose; because then when the assault occurred, I had to question every fibre of everything I had ever known in life. I was put in a place where I had to question and distrust even my own actions, thoughts, feelings, motives and the love I had for myself. Sadly, I still question a lot of the same things I did after that attack upon me, including my faith and own thought processes.<br />
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Now, over time, you build up your faith for certain things. You gain limited ability to trust in what you have accomplished, you develop some level of connection with those around you and yes, you even have a certain level of trust you vest with your co-workers and spouse. But it is all conditional, at best. One slip, you are able to justify disconnecting like the connection never existed and turn your back to walk away; without remorse or without any further thought or emotion.<br />
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Okay, now this may not fully quantify the lack of emotion, the coldness, the lack of trust, and all of the other emotions and feelings of security one would like to have, but it is a start for me. I hope it is for you as well.<br />
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You see, if in fact is was truly stated that one can only love, to the extent that they love themselves, where does that leave me and those who have and do feel the ways I do? Since my level of trust is in question, by my own doing, how can I trust in the level of commitment, the level of love, or the level of any such emotions or virtue,, that is needed to find true happiness and security?<br />
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I have dealt with these questions and these emotions before; in fact, for most of my adult life, since my being Raped and tortured, in that dorm room. Where does a man or woman find the answers to these questions? is it with an institution who is ill prepared, ill equipped, ill qualified, like the Veteran's Administration? Or in the hands of a Government who's past is littered in repeated responses which equal the "I do Not Give A Damn!" attitudes?<br />
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I wish sometimes this vicious "Merry Go Round" would stop so I could just get off, and seek steady ground..<br />
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Thank you for visiting<br />
Gary.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-60819439690181225802013-12-08T11:52:00.003-08:002013-12-08T11:52:55.479-08:00There Is Not Enough To HelpAccording to sources, there are not enough counselors within the Veterans Administration to help the victims of Sexual Assualt; Especially, when those victims are male Veterans and Active Duty Personnel. <a href="http://www.stripes.com/news/sexual-assault-victims-say-va-isn-t-doing-enough-1.231237" target="_blank"> "Stars and Stripes",</a> A Military News paper was quoted. <br />
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Of those victims, mostly have been women; but the thought is coming to light that the majority of actual victims are turning out to be men. It is becoming more and more apparent that women are taking the background role on the actual numbers which are still ever-changing; as men are starting to come forward. However, since programs for sexual abuse, rape and other sexual assault categories, which are being found to be contributing to PTSD, and also being compounded with other complex issues.<br />
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As It is, reports throughout the Congressional Hearings and other formal hearings, are showing that not only Is the Veteran's Administration not actually prepared for helping Male Veterans and male Active Duty personnel, to adequately treat or help; It is also coming to light that the current staffing of the Veteran's Administration is not qualified to assist male victims properly or even adequately. <br />
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Citing the <a href="http://veterans.house.gov/submission-for-the-record/the-american-legion-6" target="_blank">American Legions</a> reporting agency:<br />
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VA provides treatment programs for veterans suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) to address the mental anguish associated with military sexual trauma (MST). The problem is that VA doesn’t have a separate program to work with PTSD patients who contracted PTSD as a result of MST. The reason this is a problem is because VA’s PTSD therapy is a co-ed treatment program that groups male and female patients together. Trying to address sexual trauma issues in a co-ed setting, in many cases is serving to further exacerbate symptoms and in some cases discouraging patients from remaining in the program. Some female victims have reported to The American Legion that this co-ed residential treatment program is not conducive to their recovery, and that there is not enough separation of men and women participating in the programs to feel confident they will not be victimized again even if sleeping areas are separate.<br />
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<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/21/us/military-suicide-rape/" target="_blank">Jack Williams,</a> a Military Veteran interviewed with CNN, a while back and his discussion fell upon one of the most prevailing issues within the already complex issue of Male Sexual assaults.. He, himself was raped by his Drill Sargent, on three occasions. He, Mr. Williams, asserted that after the third time, he tried to kill himself by hanging and was found in the shower at Lackland Air Force Base, in the barracks mob shower stalls. <br />
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It is estimated that suicides from Male Sexual assaults, are on the climb and at least 24 attempts and actually successful suicides a day, are coming to be the current estimates world wide, within the ranks of active duty and veteran military members. This number again, was <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/21/us/military-suicide-rape/" target="_blank">cited via the CNN interview with Mr. Williams. </a><br />
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Veterans Who Refuse To Report Rape:<br />
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CNN reports in an other related story that of the dozen or so facilities, which address Military Sexual Assualt, Nationwide, there is only one facility in the Veteran's Administration, that specializes in Male Sexual Assualt. Citing or reposting that interview information, <br />
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<div class="cnn_storypgraphtxt cnn_storypgraph13">
It's men like Mr. Williams, who make up most of the military's sexual assault cases, even though they are less likely to report their assaults. The Pentagon survey found 13,900 male victims. But 76% do not file complaints.</div>
<div class="cnn_storypgraphtxt cnn_storypgraph14">
"There's an assumption that rape doesn't happen to men, or they must have been weak and not strong enough to fight (an assailant) off," says Sue Garrison, a psychologist at the Bay Pines VA Healthcare System in Florida.</div>
<div class="cnn_storypgraphtxt cnn_storypgraph15">
Bay Pines is the only Department of Veterans Affairs facility in America that offers residential treatment for male victims of military sexual assault as well as women. Evidence suggests that men may suffer more severe symptoms and are less likely to get help, raising the specter of other problems, like suicide.</div>
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My Opinion:<br />
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Seeing and reading what Mr. Williams has stated and the statistics being shared by CNN, is being echoed throughout the nation and citizenship of statistics, being published and questioned in the United States Capital, to this date. Every where I have searched for programs and for information, I see reports and interviews of persons who have been sexually abused, raped, and been the target of sexual misconduct or contact, while being in the military ranks, on active duty or on deployment while in the Reserves, serving in a war and in peace time.<br />
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It is, and has been, apparent to me the lack of willingness to help on the part of the Veteran's Administration at the Loma Linda, Ca. Veteran's Hospital as well as at the Clinic where I go for help. Although the people there are wonderful as people, they are only versed in typical PTSD Treatments, or should I say "Generalized PTSD Treatments", and not specific towards inclusion of male Sexual Assualt/Rape Victim assistance.<br />
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As stated above in one of the CNN pieces, most programs are group and co-ed type programs, which are at minimal standards, ineffective and counter productive to the recovery of both sex's. Often times, I have heard that re-traumatization of victims are all too often events, by VA policies and practices. I am not sure of what the woman's program entails, but as far as I have seen and heard, the Veterans Administration lumps Male Sexual Assault Victims are having their treatment programs broken into two categories..<br />
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First, the men are being told to attend group sessions, which are typically co-ed, and based in Sexual Assault and Rape. Both parties are claiming re-traumatization, on a repeated basis and then left to pick up the pieces, on their own after leaving the sessions. In some cases, it has been found that within a short time, one or more of the counseling session participants end up seeking medical assistance for anxiety or severe depressive panic attacks.<br />
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The Second Treatment that the Male Sexual Assault Victim is subjected to, is PTSD Group Sessions. These are also group sessions, which include not only other sexual assault victims, but also PTSD war time victims. This is usually demoralizing and again re-traumatizing to the sexual assault victim. <br />
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Typically, and In my case, It is demoralizing, humiliating, depressive, shamefully abusive, in these settings, as a sexual assault victim is made to listen to the horrors of the war, details of things that usually would stand as a Male Warrior Badge of Courage, being flown in the sexual assault victims face, and then to have the participants whisper, talk and even out-right degrade the fact that the Male Victim was weak or incapable of fighting off the attacks, from fellow service members or even one complete stranger. <br />
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So, throughout the current standing of the Male Sexual Assault Victim is more repressive, sometimes, than the actual assault they were subjected to, in the first place. The sum of this opinion is that the Veteran male, who is claiming that he was sexually assaulted/Raped, is worse off under the current therapeutic atmosphere of the Veterans Administration.<br />
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It is my belief that current therapists are scared, and often put off seeing those men who claim to have been victimized, by unwanted sexual contact, Sexual Assault and Rape. So, Scared that they, the therapists, put off seeing the victim by shifting of appointments with out notice, or shortening meetings/appointment time frames; which again makes me feel like more of a Virus and less worthy, on top of the already low opinions I have of myself; and I am sure that other victims have of themselves.<br />
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It is beyond me, that the Veteran's Administration does not realize that they just do not have the programs and allow resources to other, outside programs to be funded with VA budgeted dollars, so we as victims can get the help we need. <br />
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Your thoughts and input would be greatly appreciated. Please join my mailing list, and also leave a comment. Also, if you can drop me a message you can reach me at <a href="mailto:g.brents@aol.com">g.brents</a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/null">@aol.com</a>.. I have dedicated this email address for such comments and suggestions.<br />
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Have A Great Day<br />
Gary Brents<br />
<a href="mailto:g.brents@aol.com">g.brents</a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/null">@aol.com</a><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-86907351133544317522013-12-08T09:51:00.001-08:002013-12-08T09:56:55.569-08:00PTSD And The Holiday Experience.<br />
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During the Holidays, I often become more isolated and less likely to want to spend time in large crowds. Typically, groups of over 10 or 15 people, make me immensely uneasy and jumpy. Since I still have issues with making connections, even family events are sometimes uneasy and some what un-nerving to me. <br />
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Now, I have not really identified what triggers my attacks, or what makes me more or less un-easy, I sometimes feel skipping events more of a comfortable setting than participating in family get-togethers, or company parties. I live in fear of having an anxiety attack, or of something triggering an episode of aggression or even to find myself in an all out panic attack.<br />
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Holidays, bring with it a heightened sense of unease and hyper vigilance that really brings a demeaning tone, to family get-togethers such as Thanksgiving or Christmas; where family is usually holding events in close quarters, with people moving behind you, all around you, in a form of frenzy to get the holiday spirit and events to come off just so perfectly.<br />
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As I have stated previously, I have not yet started my counseling sessions, with the VA. Unfortunate that Dr. Hun seemingly keeps putting out my appointments, and has not seen me since my being assigned to her, in the Corona, Ca. Clinic, over Three months ago. Because now, most of all I feel the need for her attention. Anyhow, despite my growing distrust of the VA. and it's ability to assist me, I am eagerly awaiting to get on the road towards living a better mental life with my PTSD and other issues.<br />
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Back on subject;<br />
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So, due to the lack interest on the part of the VA. I have not been able to find what triggers my symptoms, or have I found a means of dealing with those triggers. However, during the holidays when I do attend functions, I pretty much deal with the event in sessions and take the event in doses; periodically excusing myself from the event venue to go out and to calm down. I typically will go and seat myself outside or in a corner of a room; as not to allow anyone behind me or to the rear of my peripheral vision. Once dinner is done, I will once again slip out of the room and get to a wide open space or in a remote location, where no one would likely look for me.<br />
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<strong><u>Sounds Of Celebration</u></strong>:<br />
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The sounds of any celebration, really sends me into a frenzy at times. Manic does not cover the reaction of my mind or body. As others are sharing the past events, since they last had access to the people who are nearby, they are eager to share past events to "catch up" on the times. I think it is great that they were reunited and are able to share, but for me; it's not enjoyable.<br />
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Now, I know for me to state that the conversations are not enjoyable, is in no way being intended to be disrespectful. But generally, I hear nothing more than mass chatter and the words coming from ever corner of the room, fill my ears to a point that if anyone is talking to me it all blends together to make a low, unrecognizable drone of noise, being mixed with other conversations.<br />
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The shortest version, for me anyway, is that these types of events just puts me further on edge and I have to distance myself from the people at the event, and I feel like I constantly have to watch my back and the movements of everyone in the room. If I lose track of even one or two people, I get very nervous and start feeling dizzy and more mania sets in.<br />
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<b>So, How Do I Handle The Loneliness</b>?<br />
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For me, the holidays present a special challenge for me. You see, I enjoy cooking and catering, to friends and family. So, in some regards I enjoy giving or showing my feelings for family, via my cooking. Since the holidays are all too often filled with cooking and catering, which relaxes me; I am faced with a conflict, I must face when it comes to family events.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPmpsLRPuBQS7ut9Qo9k6-3kSMeqqA4J7ysmdX_VqBLlZwbV_Dw5d36r0UF4wvspewCN7KfebI1x-1T68gyR7UhhQ-jgHbZqDV48XlSH4qBba2pVVI7oBNQMAff98zzspfEYOXqZ5hqXgz/s1600/holiday+lights+-+Copy.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPmpsLRPuBQS7ut9Qo9k6-3kSMeqqA4J7ysmdX_VqBLlZwbV_Dw5d36r0UF4wvspewCN7KfebI1x-1T68gyR7UhhQ-jgHbZqDV48XlSH4qBba2pVVI7oBNQMAff98zzspfEYOXqZ5hqXgz/s1600/holiday+lights+-+Copy.png" /></a>So, How do I handle the loneliness and the confusion? It is not easy, but I have somewhat figured a way to deal with everything, I have control over. It may not be healthy, but it works. the easy answer is that I cook while I am alone, deliver the food; keeping some of it for my freezer and for about a weeks worth of dinners and meals for myself. The remainder, I decorate and present it to the place where the event is going to be held. Then I leave.<br />
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Yes, I leave and plan a day at work, letting others go home to be with their families. I have pretty much been able to do this, over the years, spending the Holidays alone and spreading the Cheer with complete strangers whom are stranded with their vehicles, trying to get home to family and friends. Seeing the smiles on their faces, after getting them home, or getting their vehicles running safely, so they can go about their routines, is the most fulfilling thing I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing.<br />
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<b><u>Sharing This With You, Hopefully Will Resonate</u></b>.<br />
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I know that my wish to become active in bringing change, within the Veteran's Administration, on a Violence Free Basis, for male victims of PTSD and More specifically MST Victims who suffer PTSD due to Sexual Abuse or Rape. I know this account of my story and past, will partially if not completely resonate with your experiences. I know this, because I also know that this is bigger than I, and that I can not be the only one out here, who is experiencing and dealing with this in silence.<br />
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I am sharing this with you, because like myself, I know that there are those who wish they can find a connection with friends and family, once again. No matter what I say, or write within these posts, I know that there are skeptically eyes, peering through the words and trying to categorize the emotions and feelings I have, into what does or does not pertain to them. That is fine, and I encourage that as well. But the bottom line remains, for those who have been sexually assaulted or raped, Things have never been the same and we all feel like no one understands our pain.<br />
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Unfortunately, there is no one who can experience or recall the pain that each of us feel. No one can ever match the level of pain we feel daily, no matter how close their experiences within being sexually assaulted, brutally or not, we all have our own reality of how much that pain has or will effect us individually. But one constant seems to be alive and well. <br />
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<b><u>Loneliness, Our Greatest Fear; Our Biggest Companion</u></b>:<br />
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For those victims of PTSD, in general, we all experience loneliness and the inability to connect with once very close and intimate friends and family members. Oh, we try to melt in and go through the motions. However, for someone whom has kept quiet for any length of time, these feelings can be significantly more complicated and overwhelming. Especially during the Holidays and during Reunions.<br />
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Suffering in Silence is likened to being in a "Self Made Prison" that could never be matched by a physical prison made by mere man. Our imagination and our own perspectives on our assaults, is made more solid in building barriers, around us which can not be knocked down. At least can not be knocked down with out assistance of therapy, and our coming out and admitting that we were victimized.<br />
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<b><u>Even If You Can Not Feel Connected To Others</u></b>;<br />
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Even if you can not feel connected to others, there is one suggestion I can make. You see I work for a Towing Company, Here in California. Doing so, allows me to work with strangers within a structure that protects myself and protects the people with whom I work for and with. To some degree, it is regimental and controlled which allows me to connect with the need of others to obtain help. It also allows me to walk away at my discretion. <br />
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Working with Charities in which you can alter the roles of your involvement, brings some of the feelings of becoming momentarily connected; as you and the person you are helping has a need. You fulfill that need, and they walk away happy; thus you walk away feeling like you made a difference. Even if for a moment, that feeling of giving something with no strings attached, is like nothing I have never felt.<br />
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Doing this or something like this, allows me to feel like I can make a difference, on my terms. It also allows me to witness the feelings of rewarding fulfillment, as I see that difference is anonymous and the person is one step closer to being able to accomplish what their life needs.<br />
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<b><u>This Year, Is No Different Than The Last 30</u></b>.<br />
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I sat in silence over my sexual assault/rape, for the last 30 years. Now, to some degree, I have started a discussion of my assault, to hopefully make a difference in someone else's life. The only difference I am seeing in my life, is that after these last 30 years, I am finally able to come out and open up a bit about my assault, rape, and self mutilation due to the trauma I experienced within the horrors of my attack and there after.<br />
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Although I have not directly addressed the actual events of my attack, I have skimmed over for several reasons. One because of the fact that I do not know what age group the reader of these blogs are. The second and most important reason I have not fully disclosed what has happened during and directly after my attack (by my own hands), is that I am not fully prepared to disclose or even acknowledge the actual events. I call it Not able to face my "Demons, or dealing with "Letting The Ghosts Our Of The Closet."<br />
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So, this year, during the Holiday Season, I will be on the highway and by-ways, looking for that one person, who is trying to get home. I will use all the tools at my disposal, to get them home or some where safe, and then I will shake their hand, and see their smiles of relief. And that to me, has been and will be the best holiday, I can imagine in my current frame of mind. Because seeing my family, and being at company functions, are too hazardous for me right at this point in my life.<br />
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I look forward to one day, being able to share both; Time with my family while not feeling so our of sorts, and then retiring to helping others on the road; in perfect balance. I look forward to a time, when I can do both and feel satisfied enough to find some level of happiness in experiencing both sides of that Holiday Experience.<br />
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Thank You For Visiting.<br />
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Gary Brents<br />
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One Final Note:<br />
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If you or a Family Member is a Veteran who needs help, the following will be of assistance: Please take advantage of this. It is quiet Helpful with dealing with depression and other issues. If you or your family is in sever crisis and are fearful of causing harm, call 911 immediately. <br />
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The Veterans Crisis Line connects Veterans in crisis and their families and friends with qualified, caring Department of Veterans Affairs responders through a confidential toll-free hotline, online chat, or text. Veterans and their loved ones can call <b>1-800-273-8255</b> and <b>Press 1</b>, <a href="http://www.veteranscrisisline.net/ChatTermsOfService.aspx">chat online</a>, or send a text message to <b>838255</b> to receive confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Support for <a class="RedText" href="http://www.veteranscrisisline.net/GetHelp/Accessibility.aspx" id="ctl00_PageContent_A1">deaf and hard of hearing</a> individuals is available. <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-59313069068789432472013-12-07T11:01:00.004-08:002013-12-07T11:01:50.199-08:00Survivors and Family; A Misunderstanding Leading To Guilt<br />
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For many of us, who have experienced Sexual Trauma, we have had to find ways of dealing with life, almost on a minute by minute basis. Trying to reach the next minute, hour, or day; on what ever basis we can dredge up, which will give us hope that one day the pain and the shame will go away; and lay in the abyss of time, and happiness will fill our days with freedom. For others, it is unfortunate that they find that giving up, and taking their lives is a far better than looking for answers, to find peace within their lives.<br />
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I will be the first to say, I have searching for what seems like an eternity for peace, with none in sight. Frustration fills, within myself on almost a daily basis. For all of us, and the families who has lost someone due to depression, My heart goes out to them. But off all the tragedy which encompasses our lives, past and present, we still seek out our peace from sexual assault, that will set us free.<br />
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In all of our suffering and looking, we fail to realize that there are other victims out there; and they are not so far away from us. In fact, you can say they are probably standing right beside us, holding our hands or holding our memory in their hearts. They are grieving with us, as well as missing a day past, when we will come home and fill them with the person they are and have been looking for.<br />
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The other victim's are our families and friends, who knew us prior to our becoming victimized, and who are looking for us to come home and to be okay again. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own circumstances and lives, that we forget or do not realize are suffering themselves due to a loss. They lost us, even though the figure of our selves remain right in front of them. These victims do not even know they are victims of our lives.. They feel guilty, but do not know why. They are hurt, and do not even know how, but they do know they lost someone very close to their hearts and their lives.<br />
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<u><strong>They Don't Understand:</strong></u><br />
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It's ironic, I have said these words over and over again about people around me. Now, I don't know if I can change 30 years of suffering enough to acknowledge my families or friends losses in my event. However, you and I are correct! They don't and will probably never understand where we are and how we became to be where we are. <br />
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There is so much that we perceive or assume other's capacity to understand, that we also give up something when we do walk away and not try to probe into the families perception of where we have been. What I am suggesting is that, if we ask questions about attitudes or observe past and present attitudes in public, by those close to us, we better can assess whether or not someone can handle our stories, our accounts of what turned our lives up side down.<br />
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I am coming to see that not only do they not understand, we as victims also don't understand; thus making the mis-understanding greater than it should be, on both party's side. A thought just popped into my head, as I was writing that last sentence or thought. Are we just looking for an excuse to push someone away or an opportunity to not recognize the fact that we are ashamed of where our lives turned a corner and we became victims of a Sexual Assault? is the basis for our assertion that someone or group of people will not understand?<br />
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<strong><u>Does Guilt Have Any Basis?</u></strong><br />
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Listening to someone who knows of my background and knows of my attack it dawned on me, when I replied to their assertion of guilt.. Actually, I realized many things in statement that they felt guilt, for what I had experienced and how it robbed me of a productive and happy life. It was funny that I replied the way I did, to their comments about their feeling guilty. Actually, it made me feel guilty, but for another reason. Anyways, aside of that exchange I was compelled to share the over-all picture I saw flashing into my mind, and a question of: Does Guilt Have Any Basis for existence?<br />
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Looking at reports and comments, made in generalized discussions, Both the victims and their families are experiencing what they call "guilt," in trying to rationale individually their feelings and actions. People who are close to us enough for us to share our experiences say they are feeling guilty because they feel some sort of contribution to the events up to and/or including the actual chain of events of our assaults. Some contribute their guilt, because of their living better quality of life, than we are due to not having to deal with the aftermath of our experience.<br />
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We in turn feel guilty for sharing our experience with those folks, and having them make sacrifices for our actions and emotions, causing them to act or not act a given way; which by the way was fine prior to our sharing our assault. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM3UdtmI_ozFzIDy8tm9Huyez1ndJD-NqMLWVfHOPA-J0Bd2uEvUw5nidZ3rdG3Nkoz7ufKEbl-0q2BbV8Ct08sIK0wcbTVULI7Xe4J9CXiWAb_Ti9EQi4-cutTQIq6B0iTYVjiPsWvPi-/s1600/family+leaving.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM3UdtmI_ozFzIDy8tm9Huyez1ndJD-NqMLWVfHOPA-J0Bd2uEvUw5nidZ3rdG3Nkoz7ufKEbl-0q2BbV8Ct08sIK0wcbTVULI7Xe4J9CXiWAb_Ti9EQi4-cutTQIq6B0iTYVjiPsWvPi-/s1600/family+leaving.jpg" /></a><br />
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This bantering back and forth, results in more damage than good, is not productive nor positive for either party. In some cases, losses of wives, children, and other family member participation in our lives are often compromised. <br />
This also leads to more pain and destruction, within the various levels in which we have all worked hard to re-connect with friends and family, leaving us feeling that there is and never was a connection in the first place. So, What is the answer to all of this "guilt" and feelings of guilt, felt by each party involved?<br />
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<u><strong>We Can Not Un-Ring A Bell</strong></u><br />
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In a previous post, I discussed that as a victim, there are obligations and responsibility that we are and have been endowed with; in relation to our lives and those who cross into and out of them. Some people take that responsibility too far, and some not far enough. I myself have been on both ends of the spectrum, as far as where I took and have taken this responsibility.<br />
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But as we can not "Un-ring A Bell," our action or inaction, is out there and we shared the events of our experiences with someone who now informs us of their feelings. Lord knows the pain they endured, Just hearing of our pain and anguish for however long, we decided to share them. So, Where does it leave each of the two parties?<br />
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When my friend told me of her feelings of Guilt, I immediately came up with a truth and the reason to post this discussion. Here was my analogy of things, which blew my mind when I shared them with her. <br />
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<u><strong>What Has Happened, Happened And Can Not Be Changed</strong></u><br />
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Looking back at the circumstances, of my Assault, No one was at fault aside of the full responsibility falling upon the four attackers, whom brutally beat on my body and then raped me. No one else, beside myself could have done anything to dissuade them from their goals and their actions. I was too drunk to do what I should have, and They were going to take advantage of their position intention. No one else, has anything to do with the actual acts which were perpetrated against me. <br />
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I neither asked, for what they did, nor did they intend on walking away from their commitment to do their deeds. "IF" I had taken a few moments out of being drunk, "IF" I was not trying to be concerned about my dorm-mate's coming home after partying, IF I had not come back to the Dorms. My point is that no one could have kept me sober, no one could have locked the door behind me, but me, No one could have stopped the four from taking the opportunity to do what they did to me. <br />
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Since those are the pure facts of the matter, no one should be feeling any guilt, towards my life nor the acts themselves. A bell that has been rung, can not un-ring it and then prevent it from being rung again. You see, most crimes are crimes of opportunity. Since this is a "fact" of life, these four men saw an opportunity to do what they did, and thus committed the acts upon me. I had at that point no control over the events, from that point. Whether I was set up by my dorm mate, or that they just had been stalking me, or what ever their methods of making the final decision, they were intent on doing it.<br />
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<strong><u>Choices Of Family, Friends, or Those Around The Victim:</u></strong><br />
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We are all endowed with the "God Given Right" to make our own choices. I choose not to rob my family of their future, or of their happiness, and especially not their accomplishments and over shadow them with my life's disappointments and events. <br />
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I am proud of many folks whom I surround myself with. I am Especially proud of one person in particular, who moved on to help others and had to deal with her own circumstances which were handed her, while in the military. <br />
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Yet, she has dedicated her life to helping others who are struggling in life. She made some awesome choices, as far as I am concerned and merit recognition. She is one reason, I am now seeking assistance to live past what life dealt to myself.<br />
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The problem with those whom are close, is that they care and they wish to vest in you so much, that events that alter your life negatively, they take personally. God Love Their hearts and Them. But all too often, their commitment takes them into territory that is sometimes counter productive, out of their "guilt." It is not productive to them, most of all; but also is not productive towards the victim's recovery, in any sort of way. Often the family, friend or how ever you classify the person, usually does something that destroys or alters their life's course. A course that all too often, robs them of their position and in some cases their lives.<br />
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<u><strong>What Is To Come?</strong></u><br />
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So, the question is: What is to Come? I honestly do not know. Although I have shared a piece of my life, with you and basically shared my feelings of a discussion a close person to my life shared with me, I only hope she continues doing what she is doing. She is making a difference in my life, and far beyond myself, she is impacting and contributing positively to the lives of others, just by doing what she has been doing.<br />
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I also, hope and pray that the mis-understandings between other victims and their families, friends and those special to those victims, will cease. The only way to do this, is for communication and for at times the victim set aside, as best as possible, to become the support for those who are supporting them. To let them know that doing and acting in an unproductive way, in their lives, impacts not only them, but you the victim as well.. Let them know you Love them, as best and as much as you can muster, and to let them know that although they may not understand, you appreciate them for caring and for at least putting forth the effort; as well as express your thanks for them taking the time to try.<br />
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For those who are family members, or those who know someone whom is a victim of Sexual Assault, Just Love Them, listen to them, and most of all do not judge them; for they feel that they have been judged already; not by you or anyone else, but by themselves and their world.<br />
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Final Thought:<br />
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I Do not have anyone in my life, that I have been able to connect to! I know there is always an exception to every statement, like the one that opened this "Final Thoughts." My only connections in my life is with my dog, and my friend Tracie. I know that I have nothing to fear from them, and I know I am not being judged by them. I know that I am heard, and my pain is real to myself and them as well.<br />
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I would hope that by reading this, as a victim or a family member/support network member, that you can reach out and understand that those qualities are the finest of all things a friend can offer, when a victim and survivor of a Sexual Assault. Please do not put yourself in a negative position, by being supportive in a negative way. It will do more damage to you and to whom so ever you are Loving and helping. <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-28473705214483341302013-12-07T08:39:00.002-08:002013-12-08T10:37:23.291-08:00A Needed Thank You, and Well Deserved Dedication.<br />
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Welcome and Thank you for joining today.</div>
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I am sitting here, in what seems to be an overwhelming setting reaching out for a method of sharing with you my progress. You see, since leaving the military over 30 years I have been what most would consider, to be in a state of Homelessness. Well, I was somewhat forced to find a place to reside, which was closer to my place of employment. Somewhere that was at least somewhat permanent. So, last week I moved from what most would view as a stable place (with a dead-line), and finally moved into a place of my own. Okay, well I do have a roommate and my dog, I am not in a place that is all mine, but i have progressed to at least a place to retreat from the world with a great amount of privacy; which I have not had in such a long, long time. </div>
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So, I am now somewhat situated after a week of trying to get used to the new place, and the quiet stillness that befalls this place. A far cry from what I have been submerged in. Hopefully it will all enable me to strike out towards a new chapter of my life. A chapter, where I also can progress exponentially, towards bringing some sense of normal life, to my future.</div>
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Okay, moving on. It brings to mind something that I experienced years ago, and not too long after my returning back to my place of separation, to enter the Air Force. I figured to go and visit a family, whom I grew very fond of and even moved in with prior to my entering the military. The kids in this home, I had grown up with for a few years and their son and I became close, as so did their youngest daughter. Yes, every story of influence involves a woman. (In this case, A very good involvement, I might add.) I also became quite attached to the father, as well and honestly looked up to him, despite his short-comings. The two sons, Kinney and Paul were a blast to hang out with, although I mostly hung out with Kinney before and after my moving in with the family.</div>
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The Youngest Daughter had always been a source of encouragement in my life. Since meeting her, she had caught my eye and my heart in so many ways, today I still can not put words upon what she came to mean and still means to me. After leaving for the Air Force, she also entered into the Air Force and was stationed across the country from where I was. I got bits and pieces of information, regarding her progress from her family when I called to visit with them; and finally we were re-united and immediately started planning our reunion, down in New Mexico where she was stationed. Well, eventually she was re-assigned over-seas in Turkey and we lost contact with one another. I some what kept up with her, via her parents on phone calls I made until the time I returned back to California, after I was discharged.</div>
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After a year of her leaving to Turkey, I re-visited the family and the immense progress this lady made was so good to hear about. Her parents gleamed with pride, as they related an update on her. The problem that I had was that I found that the connection to the family was somewhat gone, and that made my heart ache tremendously. Longing for the feeling I had for them, I left with the elation for my lady friend, and a longing to speak to her; but as I got into the car, I had to drive off, fighting tears and heart break at the emotions of losing the feelings I once held for her family members, and losing the connection we once had.</div>
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Many years later, I was blessed to hear from my long lost love and friend. She has been a blessing to me in so many ways, since my meeting her as far back as I can remember, to this date. And now, she was reaching out to me. about four or five months ago; and we have been speaking ever since. IN fact, she was the reason for my starting this blog and working towards getting the help I so desperately needed and still now need and am looking for. To say that I have not connected with anyone, was understated; HOwever, in this case when we was able to get back in touch with each other again, I can say we connected and clicked better than ever before. She has influenced a lot of positive decisions, a lot of positive encouragement, and has put into place for me a means for me to work towards a future of regaining control over my life, and dealing with my "Demons." Thank You Tracie for Living your life and coming back into mine, you are truly a Blessing and inspiration to me. (Tracie, you are such an inspiration for me, not for what you have given me; but for what you are and have given of yourself to others.)</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8046179121610042044.post-47809919538310812122013-12-06T13:43:00.003-08:002013-12-06T13:44:42.887-08:00Are We, As Victim's, Responsible? <br />
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It's early morning, here in California, still dark outside and traffic is buzzing outside of my living room window, as morning traffic speeds by. I am sitting almost completely in the dark, with just a candle and the screen from my ipad, glowing in the stillness of my newly acquired apartment. As I too started to get ready for work, I had to pause and make this entry into my posts.. Please do not ask why this came to my mind, only that it did and I felt the urge and urgency to post this.<br />
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I, like so many others who served in the military, am a victim of Sexual Assault. I suffered that victimization, while in service to my Great Country. I have over the years and even at the time, after my brutal attack, am angry at the world and most definitely at the military and my attackers. What I have shared thus far, within my posts, is only the surface of both the events during the attack and the events afterwards. I have primarily addressed emotions and experiences with you and not the detail of the actual attack. I am not yet ready to ride that horse down the parade grounds, yet. <br />
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However, My attentions go to accountability and personal morals. Both as a citizen of this world and of my community; and how the sufferance of my attack contributes to decisions and my accountability of my decisions and actions, upon others around me. Yes, I am a victim. I am not in the mindset that I am a survivor of anything, but a student of my own life. <br />
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So many times, I hear and read stories of those whom perform an act, commit a crime upon someone else; and when being held accountable, they use their victimization as an excuse to shrug or powder coat their actions or contributions to the events. All the while, others suffer and those folks go out feeling justified for what they did, and their part in what ever act they were detained for.<br />
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Although our own victimization has casted damages upon us to bear for the rest of our lives, we are still accountable for every thought and every action we commit. Even if those actions cause the ill fate or ill feelings of others around us. It is unacceptable to me, to see someone who was victimized, to lash out in some form and not understand that one day, they will be held to answer, regardless of their thought processes.<br />
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We as victims, know that we lose a stitch of feelings, a stitch of emotion and we have alienated others due to trust issues and I can go on and on about this. However, we are still accountable for how we handle the feelings and emotions, the safety of, and the general ideas of others around us, not to mention the actions we take against others as well.<br />
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We made the choices, due to our being hurt, to isolate ourselves for what ever reason. Consciously or subconsciously, we all as victims have made those choices. Primarily due to some sort of self preservation thing, or what ever. IN most cases, as in mine, I am finding that the primary vocalized reason is because no one would understand, or would be able to relate to me. I have also heard the reasoning being that I am damaged goods. I can completely relate to both of these, because I feel them both and Also, I can relate completely with I can not allow anyone around, because I have trust issues. <br />
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<b><u>There Is No License, Given To Us</u></b>;<br />
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Being a victim also means that we are given some basic rights. A right to pursue and attempt to cure the cause of our victimization. It gives us the rights to exercise our actions of rather to get close to others. It gives us an authoritative right to become vocal, about the crimes or wrongs that have been brought to our lives, and to warn others of what could happen to them; despite their denials. IT does not give us a License, however, to go and extract revenge, or to harm others in the process of our lives and then to hide behind the fact that it was stemming from our victimization.<br />
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All too often people need help, in order to deal with their pain and anguish. There is not any thing that can be denied us, in that vein. However, it is also our responsibility to those around us, to ensure that we are not the cause of collateral damages to them or their property. It is incumbent<br />
upon victims, to acknowledge that since we may feel no one will or does understand what we had endured, we must keep in mind that by our inflicting pain and anguish to equal ours, is also not understandable; nor acceptable.. There is no reasons for anyone to inflict the sort of harm that was done to us, as victims.<br />
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<b><u>Are We Responsible</u></b>?<br />
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Are we responsible for what had or has happened to us? NO! However we are, as victims, responsible to others concerning our actions and aggressions. Although it may be true, that our victimization may have direct influences upon our decisions, it is also worthy of reflection upon how we felt when what ever act was committed upon us; Prior to our lashing out with anger or passion towards another innocent person.<br />
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Although we are not responsible, for what happened, we are in like kind responsible to ourselves and others, to ensure their safety; even when we feel no one can relate to our position and our lives since a traumatic event.<br />
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As a victim, and survivor of any crime; we are also responsible to do everything within our existence, to reach out and ensure that justice for someone else is sought after and achieved, to the best of our ability. We would have liked for that to have occurred, in our instance, as well. But since it may not have, due to our own silence, or just due to the mechanics of the Laws, We are responsible to ensure that justice is sought after, on behalf of other innocent people who are being victimized. <br />
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Final Thought:<br />
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Although I am a victim of what I perceived as the worst thing on this earth, which could have occurred, it is my responsibility to speak out, on your behalf and on the behalf of others who may become victims, to do everything in my power to help them avoid the horror,, I felt and experienced.<br />
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I submit, it is also every other victim's responsibility to reach out and fight for those new victims, not to reach out to create new victims..<br />
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Take Care Of Yourselves, and Bless<br />
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Have A Happy Holiday Season.<br />
<br />
Gary<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10006146337738666563noreply@blogger.com0