A Prisoner In The Room

I remember almost every intimate detail of the dormitory room, where I suffered a horrific beating and sexual assault.  The colt hard bricks which made up the walls. The steel door and doorway, which remained locked and closed during and after the attack, where no one came and sought out my presence.  The bar situated next to the door, the chairs which surrounded the bar, the wall unit which housed the bottles of alcohol, the carpet which adorned the floor, the chest of drawers which bordered the area between the bunked beds and the bar area. I remember the doorway to the shared shower; which was situated between two rooms, the tile flooring in the latrine (bathroom), the toilet and the small portal of a window to exhaust the steam of the shower and air the room.





I remember this room, because I have been imprisoned in this room, for over 33 years.  I fell out of the second story of the bunked beds, onto hard concrete non-padded carpet covered floor, after what seemed to be an eternity of laying in a pool of urine and blood; unable to move due to a horrific beating that took place, during the attack.  I remember crawling inch by inch, to the latrine; every inch of which was wracked with pain from what seemed to be every part of my body, not to mention the loss of breath after each out-reach of my arms and movement of my legs.


The room spun like I was on a merry-go-round, or was it my head swimming from all that had happened that particular weekend, while I tried to get to the Shower stall and gather up the steel wool and the scrub brush I wanted in the shower and later scrubbed my own body with to an unmentionable level of added pain and injury.




I recall every part of trying to get out of the shower, to dry off and start cleaning up the room.  On my stomach, I wiped down the walls, the dresser drawers and cabinets, pull down the bedding of both beds, to conceal the blood spatter.  I recall the tears I wept, which fell upon the flooring where I earlier had fallen, when I exited the bed for the first time.




All of this and more, I recall of the dormitory where I was housed at the time of my assault. Although I have been out of the military since 83, walked out on the streets of America, gone fishing and learned new things; I am constantly reminded of this room every time I peer into a mirror, or anything that allows the casting of a reflective image and my face is shown back to me.


Although I have been married twice, since my separation from the Air Force, I have not yet been able to leave the images, the smells, the odors, the coldness and harshness of that room.  Although I have been to achieve three (3) educational degrees, owned a thriving business which later was sold, I have basically been homeless, until just recently.  However, I have still been a prisoner of that room


No matter whom may have experience similar experiences, or to what degree they had experienced the act of Sexual Assault, male or female, these memories and the ways that their memories haunt their very existence to a point where they have basically have shut down, from time to time, it is no less traumatic, nor demeaning and degrading to each of the victims of Sexual Assault.


I know my experiences may not mirror exactly what someone else had suffered through.  Maybe theirs was worse or not so bad; either way it may have happened or came about it still is devastating to the person as a whole.  No matter the outcome of their lives, they are forever scarred and forever different from what they should or could have been had the circumstances not invaded their and my lives.


I like so many have yet to find help, for the issues that have come with my attack. I am partially to blame for my not getting the help I needed; but when the times came for me to seek assistance, I was shuffled around to a point whereby I was consistently asking myself if I would not be better off to quite and give up looking for help.  I have suffered with my victimization and my imprisonment in silence; afraid of what others would think of me, to find out I was a victim of such a crime.


I once did look for assistance back when I first came out of the military, and gave up on myself back then, because no one wanted to hear of such issues, being present within the military.  I once again after so long have came out to seek assistance, with no such aide to be had.  It is a shame, especially when three months after I did start my inquiry for assistance to escape my prison, the President of the United States and the Senate held hearings, and policy hearings were held and new procedures enacted to handle and address Sexual Assault victim's needs, nothing has so far been done on the Veteran's Level, to speak of.


I know I am not alone out here, going through this.  I know that my prison of 30 plus years, is not the only prison which is being inhabited by some victim, somewhere whom is going through the motions of living, while still residing within the walls of the place where their attack took place.  Some in Alley ways, some in dorm rooms, some in motels and some in Lord knows where.


Where ever you are, victims of Sexual Assault which derived from within the Military; I know you are out here and I know you are in pain.  Just know, you are not alone in your sufferance, and not alone in trying to get help to live a more quantitative, more meaningful life, while trying to escape your prison of memories and horrors.  I know I am not alone out here.


Bless all of you who have suffered at the hands of others. Bless all of you who have suffered in silence and most of all bless all of you who were veterans, like I am, who had others turn their backs on you when you ask for help.

A Month's Journey In Hell

Today's blog post is not an unusual one, from the other posts which have been placed here.  No, In fact, it's one which runs right in line of showing how the Veteran's Administration has turned it's back on men who have been Sexually assaulted, or claimed to have been sexually assaulted in the Military.

You see, I understand that our Commander In Chief, President Obama, has claimed to have climbed in on the band-wagon of providing services for Veterans who have been sexually assaulted, while serving in the military.  However, his public vocalization of the matter has not provided any improvement of services.  In kind, the Congressional actions along with the Senate's actions towards addressing the matter, has not helped much either.  AT least in the recent past to the present.  It seems that their attempts to enact policies which is supposed to allow for better addressing the issues, has not yet reached the Veteran's Administration's offices or clinics.

I have been asking for assistance for over four (4) months, and have yet to set in a session with my assigned Counselor, at my assigned Clinic, in Corona, California.  However, the only contact I have received bills for medications, which I do not take.  When I address this with my supposed Doctor, she tries to push me towards the main Facility at Loma Linda, CA.  I do not wish to go to this facility, due to the fact that all they seem to wish to do is medicate.

Well, this last two months I have had several episodes of a whole variety of PTSD related attacks.  Depression, Anxiety, and Anger, Confusion, disorientation, forgetfulness and also have placed myself in dangerous situations.  All my calls to the clinic to plead to the Counselor, had fallen on "Deaf Ears" and in fact on one occasion I had the person on the phone, hang up on me; leaving me to call the crisis hot line.

I moved to a new location/residence on one occasion, which allowed me to change a previous negative situation.  On first glances and impressions, it appeared to be a good move towards starting out on a new chapter in my life.  This was supposed to have allowed me to gain more independence, more freedom which my previous living situation did not allow.  It also allowed me to start rebuilding my life and start seeking expansions of my "horizons," in an effort to find and to regain my identity and break negative cycles which were taking me nowhere.

On December 1st, I made the move, which would prove to be not only dangerous emotionally, but potentially would have led to a break, which most probably would have led to me harming someone; whom was innocent, due to their pushing buttons, which I now realize were not only emotional buttons, but were "Triggers" for my PTSD and Anger issues.  Luckily, I realized what was going on, and removed myself from the situation.  I will not go without mentioning that I had to call the Police to assist in my removal, away from the situation.  In this situation, when I moved away from the home, I placed myself in, I also walked away from a stable job as the issues that this family brought into my life, was being brought to my work by one of my new room-mates, which upped the ante of risks.

I was forced back to my previously negative and emotionally abusive environment, to regroup and organize my life and I had to do so at this point, without a job.  Why did I walk away from a stable job, that I was comfortable in?  To cut off access to me, by the family I left behind with which I had moved in with.

After about two days of being in an emotional heap, and basically a shell of a human that had no where to go, except an offer of moving across the country to a secured home, I was emotionally bouncing off of the walls, pacing at all hours of the night; restless nights sleep leaving me exhausted and not able to think clearly, or remembering much of anything.

Well, Luckily, I made a few phone calls and from a former employer I was able to secure a place of employment doing what I enjoyed doing with people who have always been there be supportive of me since my return from the Air Force, back in 1983.    However, the offer of a job did not come without stipulations and conditions.  One of which I figured was most positive for me; I had to move closer to their facility to allow me to be readily accessible to the company, when needed.

After searching, I found what I thought was a stable place to move, which was alignment with the conditions of my new employer.  On one Saturday, I moved in and stayed my first night; which came to be an emotional nightmare.  A female roommate, who also is a veteran,  and whom I later found out was suffering from PTSD from war action over in Iraq.  She had locked herself into her room and was screaming, hitting walls, talking incoherently  and I could not figure out what the problems was.. AT first, I thought that she was being taken care of by the person who rented me a room.

The Female locked herself in the room, was later revealed to me that she was in Iraq and was taking medications prescribed by the V.A.,  for PTSD and never before displayed erratic behaviors before.   The next day, The girl still did not come out of the room.. It had been over 34 hours since I had moved in and this girl had not even come out to use the bathroom to relieve herself, or to wash or get anything to drink..  when we called the paramedics and had her taken to get help, she was near death in appearance.

Upon the departure of the events that had evolved over the weekend, and 36 hours after I moved in, the "real" landlord came over and told us that we were being evicted, due to the disturbances of the sick Veteran.  That night, on Sunday, after laying down for a nap to regenerate myself of the emotional roller coaster I was on.  Waking up, I found my self in an all but completely empty house.  The person who rented the room to me, had moved her stuff out and left me an envelope with only small portion of the rents I paid, which made finding a new place all but nearly impossible due to finances being taken away from me.  I was back on the "roller coaster" ride, I tried to sleep through earlier, to add to the ride, I had only three days to relocate myself which was given to me by the actual owner of the home.

At one point during my adventure, which spanned for over a month now; I was on the V.A.'s Crisis Hot line.  That point came after I spent almost two hours of scrubbing myself in the shower, as I did directly after my Sexual Assault, in the Air Force 31 years ago.  Going through "Flashbacks", Chills, Anger, depressional Negotiations, Denial, Disorientation and I had seemingly lost track of time; which put me dangerously close to the time I had to report to work at my new job.  Thank goodness for administrative processes, which kept me moving from agency to agency to get job clearances from other agencies; and not out trying to hoist large pieces of equipment.

I am happy to state that out of the "Blue Sky," I was reached out to by a recently discharged Army Vet, who listened to my woes and assisted me in a place to stay, with a possibility of a long term living arrangement, in the near future.  I am also happy to say that my finances luckily turned around and that too is on the road to improvement.

The reasons that I am sharing this part of my life with you is to share not my adventure, so much as it is to show the relationship between the events and episodes I go through on an ongoing basis.  IT is also being shared to show how inadequately the Veteran's Administration is addressing issues of PTSD, as it relates to PTSD itself and PTSD related to Sexual Trauma; more specifically PTSD with Male Sexual Trauma issues.

I am not whining about my situation, as much as trying to reach an understanding of what is happening with myself, and with others whom have suffered this sort of emotional issues, related to PTSD and Sexual Trauma; both male and female in trying to find assistance which they are entitled to, from the Veteran's Administration.  I am also sharing this, to document my  adventures for future references to allow those with the Veteran's Administration to view, and have active documentation of my journey in life.

More importantly, I am sharing this journey for those whom are suffering to be able to reach out to me, or someone else in effort to gain the help they need.  Additionally,  I want those who have been Sexually Assaulted (especially male victims), to know they are not alone and that their are others who understand and have gone through what they have gone through; and who do understand.

You can reach me at: garybrents@icloud.com.  Please feel free to reach out, if  you wish.  OR you can just leave a comment or join my mailing list by filling out the form on this blog page.  I believe with a mass voice, they might listen and get us all the assistance we all need and are seeking to deal with our issues, concerning getting the Veteran's Administration's attention and assistance; so we can work towards a better quality of life.

Take care and Bless.

Where Is The Trust?

It is said that trust can only come from someone who trusts themselves.  Likewise, it is also said that Love Can only come from those whom love themselves.  Although, these are true statements in my opinion, folks who look for trust, love, acceptance, and other virtues are often lacking in all or some of these.  Would it not be logical to assume that due to Sexual Assault, Rape, or any other form of attack, that one or more of these virtues are stolen away?  If that be the case, and since they are intertwined, would it not be logical to assume that one missing, make all of them to be missing?

Now in case you are wondering where that came from, Here is the back story, of the opening statements and questions.

A fellow co-worker came to me and asked me how and why could I be so cold, distant, brutally honest, and not care about anyone else's feelings.  She was asking due to an incident regarding another co-worker who had messed up and almost caused himself to be injured. I have to say, yes,  was very brutal and very cold blooded to the co-worker for being an absent minded.  But something else was triggered when the female co-worker asked me those questions.

Although I gave her a pointed review of a reason, I knew that was not the only reason, I did and said what I said.  However, A larger question entered my mind, about my actions and my re-action to the other co-worker.   For some reason, I wanted to quantify the reasoning for my lack of emotion, my lack of trust, my lack of connection; and most of all why I was cold and so brutal.

Now, I do not fully understand the answer I came up with, but it fits what I was sort of looking for; Thus, the questions of which I addressed in the opening of this post.  Here is what I came up with.

At 18 years old, and straight out of High School, I entered into the military.  I had fully thrown mind body and soul into my commitment, to my Country, My Military Brothers, My Military Sisters, and for either one of them, I would have put my life and limbs on the line for, if needed.   I was naive, and I was too open to do what ever it took to keep them all safe, within the powers given to me, by my God and My Country.

I had  put my trust in My Country, My Command, and into my Fellow Soldier At Arms.  I felt I had to, because I was to believe that they, meaning all of them, felt and was obligated to do the same for me.  At 19 1/2 years old, that was shattered when I was attacked by four Airmen, in my own dorm room and left to survive on my own.  No one came to my rescue, no one cared, no one acknowledged my questions or cries for help when I was able to ask for help.

Now, I was supposed to be there to have everyone's back, and when my back was turned, I needed someone to speak out, someone to come and help me.  No one did, no one gave a damn.  How in the hell can someone who just went through what I had, that weekend, say he would even lift a finger to help his fellow soldiers, who had betrayed his trust, the way my trust was torn apart?

When that attack was committed, I lost faith in myself, trust in myself, love of myself, security of myself, I lost respect in myself.  To me, I lost everything good that was once alive and well, within myself, due to the acts of other Airmen, who I was sworn to fight with and to die for, if needed.

The military is a sorority, a tightly knitted group of people, who are obligated to watch out for the other, and to keep secrets in the best interest of the "Mission", for which the military stands for and acts upon on a daily basis.  Secrets! The Military is riddled with them, from the top, downward to the field grunt.  Some you are aware of, some if you become aware of you can lose your life or freedom over.

The level of trust I had for not only the military and my fellow soldier, was nothing to lose; because then when the assault occurred, I had to question every fibre of everything I had ever known in life. I was put in a place where I had to question and distrust even my own actions, thoughts, feelings, motives and the love I had for myself.  Sadly, I still question a lot of the same things I did after that attack upon me, including my faith and own thought processes.

Now, over time, you build up your faith for certain things.  You gain limited ability to trust in what you have accomplished, you develop some level of connection with those around  you and yes, you even have a certain level of trust you vest with your co-workers and spouse.  But it is all conditional, at best.  One slip, you are able to justify disconnecting like the connection never existed and turn your back to walk away; without remorse or without any further thought or emotion.

Okay, now this may not fully quantify the lack of emotion, the coldness, the lack of trust, and all of the other emotions and feelings of security one would like to have, but it is a start for me. I hope it is for you as well.

You see, if in fact is was truly stated that one can only love, to the extent that they love themselves, where does that leave me and those who have and do feel the ways I do?  Since my level of trust is in question, by my own doing, how can I trust in the level of commitment, the level of love, or the level of any such emotions or virtue,, that is needed to find true happiness and security?

I have dealt with these questions and these emotions before; in fact, for most of my adult life, since my being Raped and tortured, in that dorm room.   Where does a man or woman find the answers to these questions?  is it with an institution who is ill prepared, ill equipped, ill qualified, like the Veteran's Administration?  Or in the hands of a Government who's past is littered in repeated responses which equal the "I do Not Give A Damn!" attitudes?

I wish sometimes this vicious "Merry Go Round" would stop so I could just get off, and seek steady ground..

Thank you for visiting
Gary.

PTSD And The Holiday Experience.

During the Holidays, I often become more isolated and less likely to want to spend time in large crowds.  Typically, groups of over 10 or 15 people, make me immensely uneasy and jumpy.  Since I still have issues with making connections, even family events are sometimes uneasy and some what un-nerving to me.

Now, I have not really identified what triggers my attacks, or what makes me more or less un-easy, I sometimes feel skipping events more of a comfortable setting than participating in family get-togethers, or company parties.  I live in fear of having an anxiety attack, or of something triggering an episode of aggression or even to find myself in an all out panic attack.

Holidays, bring with it a heightened sense of unease and hyper vigilance that really brings a demeaning tone, to family get-togethers such as Thanksgiving or Christmas; where family is usually holding events in close quarters, with people moving behind you, all around you, in a form of frenzy to get the holiday spirit and events to come off just so perfectly.

As I have stated previously, I have not yet started my counseling sessions, with the VA.  Unfortunate that Dr. Hun seemingly keeps putting out my appointments, and has not seen me since my being assigned to her, in the Corona, Ca. Clinic, over Three months ago.   Because now, most of all I feel the need for her attention.   Anyhow, despite my growing distrust of the VA. and it's ability to assist me, I am eagerly awaiting to get on the road towards living a better mental life with my PTSD and other issues.

Back on subject;

So, due to the lack interest on the part of the VA. I have not been able to find what triggers my symptoms, or have I found a means of dealing with those triggers.  However, during the holidays when I do attend functions, I pretty much deal with the event in sessions and take the event in doses; periodically excusing myself from the event venue to go out and to calm down.  I typically will go and seat myself outside or in a corner of a room; as not to allow anyone behind me or to the rear of my peripheral vision.  Once dinner is done, I will once again slip out of the room and get to a wide open space or in a remote location, where no one would likely look for me.

 

Sounds Of Celebration:


The sounds of any celebration, really sends me into a frenzy at times.  Manic does not cover the reaction of  my mind or body.  As others are sharing the past events, since they last had access to the people who are nearby, they are eager to share past events to "catch up" on the times.  I think it is great that they were reunited and are able to share, but for me; it's not enjoyable.

Now, I know for me to state that the conversations are not enjoyable, is in no way being intended to be disrespectful.  But generally, I hear nothing more than mass chatter and the words coming from ever corner of the room, fill my ears to a point that if anyone is talking to me it all blends together to make a low, unrecognizable drone of noise, being mixed  with other conversations.

The shortest version, for me anyway, is that these types of events just puts me further on edge and I have to distance myself from the people at the event, and I feel like I constantly have to watch my back and the movements of everyone in the room.  If I lose track of even one or two people, I get very nervous and start feeling dizzy and more mania sets in.

So, How Do I Handle The Loneliness?

For me, the holidays present a special challenge for me.  You see, I enjoy cooking and catering, to friends and family.  So, in some regards I enjoy giving or showing my feelings for family, via my cooking.  Since the holidays are all too often filled with cooking and catering, which relaxes me; I am faced with a conflict, I must face when it comes to family events.

So, How do I handle the loneliness and the confusion?  It is not easy, but I have somewhat figured  a way to deal with everything, I have control over.  It may not be healthy, but it works.  the easy answer is that I cook while I am alone, deliver the food; keeping some of it for my freezer and for about a weeks worth of dinners and meals for myself.  The remainder, I decorate  and present it to the place where the event is going to be held.  Then I leave.

Yes, I leave and plan a day at work, letting others go home to be with their families.  I have pretty much been able to do this, over the years, spending the Holidays alone and spreading the Cheer with complete strangers whom are stranded with their vehicles, trying to get home to family and friends.  Seeing the smiles on their faces, after getting them home, or getting their vehicles running safely, so they can go about their routines, is the most fulfilling thing I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing.

Sharing This With You, Hopefully Will Resonate.

I know that my wish to become active in bringing change, within the Veteran's Administration, on a Violence Free Basis, for male victims of PTSD and More specifically MST Victims who suffer PTSD due to Sexual Abuse or Rape.  I know this account of my story and past, will partially if not completely resonate with your experiences.  I know this, because I also know that this is bigger than I, and that I can not be the only one out here, who is experiencing and dealing with this in silence.

I am sharing this with you, because like myself, I know that there are those who wish they can find a connection with friends and family, once again.  No matter what I say, or write within these posts, I know that there are skeptically eyes, peering through the words and trying to categorize the emotions and feelings I have, into what does or does not pertain to them.  That is fine, and I encourage that as well.  But  the bottom line remains, for those who have been sexually assaulted or raped, Things have never been the same and we all feel like no one understands our pain.

Unfortunately, there is no one who can experience or recall the pain that each of us feel.  No one can ever match the level of pain we feel daily, no matter how close their experiences within being sexually assaulted, brutally or not, we all have our own reality of how much that pain has or will effect us individually.  But one constant seems to be alive and well.

Loneliness, Our Greatest Fear; Our Biggest Companion:

For those victims of PTSD, in general, we all experience loneliness and the inability to connect with once very close and intimate friends and family members.  Oh, we try to melt in and go through the motions.  However, for someone whom has kept quiet for any length of time, these feelings can be significantly more complicated and overwhelming.  Especially during the Holidays and during Reunions.

Suffering in Silence is likened to being in a "Self Made Prison" that could never be matched by a physical prison made by mere man.  Our imagination and our own perspectives on our assaults, is made more solid in building barriers, around us which can not be knocked down.  At least can not be knocked down with out assistance of therapy, and our coming out and admitting that we were victimized.

Even If You Can Not Feel Connected To Others;

Even if you can not feel connected to others, there is one suggestion I can make.  You see I work for a  Towing Company, Here in California.  Doing so, allows me to work with strangers within a structure that protects myself and protects the people with whom I work for and with.  To some degree, it is regimental and controlled which allows me to connect with the need of others to obtain help.  It also allows me to walk away at my discretion.

Working with Charities in which you can alter the roles of  your involvement, brings some of the feelings of becoming momentarily connected; as you and the person you are helping has a need.  You fulfill that need, and they walk away happy; thus you walk away feeling like you made a difference.  Even if for a moment, that feeling of giving something with no strings attached, is like nothing I have never felt.

Doing this or something like this, allows me to feel like I can make a difference, on my terms.  It also allows me to witness the feelings of rewarding fulfillment, as I see that difference is anonymous and the person is one step closer to being able to accomplish what their life needs.

This Year, Is No Different Than The Last 30.

I sat in silence over my sexual assault/rape, for the last 30 years.  Now, to some degree, I have started a discussion of my assault, to hopefully make a difference in someone else's life.   The only difference I am seeing in my life, is that after these last 30 years, I am finally able to come out and open up a bit about my assault, rape, and self mutilation due to the trauma I experienced within the horrors of my attack and there after.

Although I have not directly addressed the actual events of my attack, I have skimmed over for several reasons.  One because of the fact that I do not know what age group the reader of these blogs are.  The second and most important reason I have not fully disclosed what has happened during and directly after my attack (by my own hands), is that I am not fully prepared to disclose or even acknowledge the actual events.  I call it Not able to face my "Demons, or dealing with "Letting The Ghosts Our Of The Closet."

So, this year, during the Holiday Season, I will be on the highway and by-ways, looking for that one person, who is trying to get home.  I will use all the tools at my disposal, to get them home or some where safe, and then I will shake their hand, and see their smiles of relief.  And that to me, has been and will be the best holiday, I can imagine in my current frame of mind.  Because seeing my family, and being at company functions, are too hazardous for me right at this point in my life.

I look forward to one day, being able to share both; Time with my family while not feeling so our of sorts, and then retiring to helping others on the road; in perfect balance.  I look forward to a time, when I can do both and feel satisfied enough to find some level of happiness in experiencing both sides of that Holiday Experience.

Thank You For Visiting.

Gary Brents

One Final Note:

If you or a Family Member is a Veteran who needs help, the following will be of assistance:  Please take advantage of this.  It is quiet Helpful with dealing with depression and other issues.  If you or your family is in sever crisis and are fearful of causing harm, call 911 immediately.


The Veterans Crisis Line connects Veterans in crisis and their families and friends with qualified, caring Department of Veterans Affairs responders through a confidential toll-free hotline, online chat, or text. Veterans and their loved ones can call 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1, chat online, or send a text message to 838255 to receive confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Support for deaf and hard of hearing individuals is available.                         

Survivors and Family; A Misunderstanding Leading To Guilt

For many of us, who have experienced Sexual Trauma, we have had to find ways of dealing with life, almost on a minute by minute basis.  Trying to reach the next minute, hour, or day; on what ever basis we can dredge up, which will give us hope that one day the pain and the shame will go away; and lay in the abyss of time, and happiness will fill our days with freedom.  For others, it is unfortunate that they find that giving up, and taking their lives is a far better than looking for answers, to find peace within their lives.

I will be the first to say, I have searching for what seems like an eternity for peace, with none in sight.  Frustration fills, within myself on almost a daily basis.  For all of us, and the families who has lost someone due to depression, My heart goes out to them.  But off all the tragedy which encompasses our lives, past and present, we still seek out our peace from sexual assault, that will set us free.

In all of our suffering and looking, we fail to realize that there are other victims out there; and they are not so far away from us.  In fact, you can say they are probably standing right beside us, holding our hands or holding our memory in their hearts.  They are grieving with us, as well as missing a day past, when we will come home and fill them with the person they are and have been looking for.

The other victim's are our families and friends, who knew us prior to our becoming victimized, and who are looking for us to come home and to be okay again.  Sometimes we get so caught up in our own circumstances and lives, that we forget or do not realize are suffering themselves due to a loss.  They lost us, even though the figure of our selves remain right in front of them.   These victims do not even know they are victims of our lives.. They feel guilty, but do not know why.  They are hurt, and do not even know how, but they do know they lost someone very close to their hearts and their lives.


They Don't Understand:

It's ironic, I have said these words over and over again about people around me.  Now, I don't know if I can change 30 years of suffering enough to acknowledge my families or friends losses in my event. However, you and I are correct!  They don't and will probably never understand where we are and how we became to be where we are. 

There is so much that we perceive or assume other's capacity to understand, that we also give up something when we do walk away and not try to probe into the families perception of where we have been.  What I am suggesting is that, if we ask questions about attitudes or observe past and present attitudes in public, by those close to us, we better can assess whether or not someone can handle our stories, our accounts of what turned our lives up side down.

I am coming to see that not only do they not understand, we as victims also don't understand; thus making the mis-understanding greater than it should be, on both party's side.  A thought just popped into my head, as I was writing that last sentence or thought.  Are we just looking for an excuse to push someone away or an opportunity to not recognize the fact that we are ashamed of where our lives turned a corner and we became victims of a Sexual Assault?  is the basis for our assertion that someone or group of people will not understand?

Does Guilt Have Any Basis?

Listening to someone who knows of my background and knows of my attack it dawned on me, when I replied to their assertion of guilt.. Actually, I realized many things in statement that they felt guilt, for what I had experienced and how it robbed me of a productive and happy life.   It was funny that I replied the way I did, to their comments about their feeling guilty.  Actually, it made me feel guilty, but for another reason.  Anyways, aside of that exchange I was compelled to share the over-all picture I saw flashing into my mind, and a question of:  Does Guilt Have Any Basis for existence?

Looking at reports and comments, made in generalized discussions, Both the victims and their families are experiencing what they call "guilt," in trying to rationale individually their feelings and actions.  People who are close to us enough for us to share our experiences say they are feeling guilty because they feel some sort of contribution to the events up to and/or including the actual chain of events of our assaults.  Some contribute their guilt, because of their living better quality of life, than we are due to not having to deal with the aftermath of our experience.

We in turn feel guilty for sharing our experience with those folks, and having them make sacrifices for our actions and emotions, causing them to act or not act a given way; which by the way was fine prior to our sharing our assault.




 This bantering back and forth, results in more damage than good, is not productive nor positive for either party.  In some cases, losses of wives, children, and other family member participation in our lives are often compromised. 
This also leads to more pain and destruction, within the various levels in which we have all worked hard to re-connect with friends and family, leaving us feeling that there is and never was a connection in the first place.  So, What is the answer to all of this "guilt" and feelings of guilt, felt by each party involved?




We Can Not Un-Ring A Bell

In a previous post, I discussed that as a victim, there are obligations and responsibility that we are and have been endowed with; in relation to our lives and those who cross into and out of them.  Some people take that responsibility too far, and some not far enough. I myself have been on both ends of the spectrum, as far as where I took and have taken this responsibility.

But as we can not "Un-ring A Bell," our action or inaction, is out there and we shared the events of our experiences with someone who now informs us of their feelings.  Lord knows the pain they endured, Just hearing of our pain and anguish for however long, we decided to share them.  So, Where does it leave each of the two parties?

When my friend told me of her feelings of Guilt, I immediately came up with a truth and the reason to post this discussion.   Here was my analogy of things, which blew my mind when I shared them with her.


What Has Happened, Happened And Can Not Be Changed

Looking back at the circumstances, of my Assault, No one was at fault aside of the full responsibility falling upon the four attackers, whom brutally beat on my body and then raped me.  No one else, beside myself could have done anything to dissuade them from their goals and their actions.  I was too drunk to do what I should have, and They were going to take advantage of their position intention.  No one else, has anything to do with the actual acts which were perpetrated against me.

I neither asked, for what they did, nor did they intend on walking away from their commitment to do their deeds.  "IF" I had taken a few moments out of being drunk, "IF" I was not trying to be concerned about my dorm-mate's coming home after partying, IF I had not come back to the Dorms.  My point is that no one could have kept me sober, no one could have locked the door behind me, but me, No one could have stopped the four from taking the opportunity to do what they did to me.

Since those are the pure facts of the matter, no one should be feeling any guilt, towards my life nor the acts themselves.  A bell that has been rung, can not un-ring it and then prevent it from being rung again.  You see, most crimes are crimes of opportunity.  Since this is a "fact" of life, these four men saw an opportunity to do what they did, and thus committed the acts upon me.  I had at that point no control over the events, from that point.  Whether I was set up by my dorm mate, or that they just had been stalking me, or what ever their methods of making the final decision, they were intent on doing it.

Choices Of Family, Friends, or Those Around The Victim:

We are all endowed with the "God Given Right" to make our own choices.  I choose not to rob my family of their future, or of their happiness, and especially not their accomplishments and over shadow them with my life's disappointments and events. 

I am proud of many folks whom I surround myself with.  I am Especially proud of one person in particular, who moved on to help others and had to deal with her own circumstances which were handed her, while in the military. 


Yet, she has dedicated her life to helping others who are struggling in life.  She made some awesome choices, as far as I am concerned and merit recognition.  She is one reason, I am now seeking assistance to live past what life dealt to myself.

The problem with those whom are close, is that they care and they wish to vest in you so much, that events that alter your life negatively, they take personally.  God Love Their hearts and Them.  But all too often, their commitment takes them into territory that is sometimes counter productive, out of their "guilt."  It is not productive to them, most of all; but also is not productive towards the victim's recovery, in any sort of way.  Often the family, friend or how ever you classify the person, usually does something that destroys or alters their life's course.  A course that all too often, robs them of their position and in some cases their lives.


What Is To Come?

So, the question is: What is to Come?  I honestly do not know.  Although I have shared a piece of my life, with you and basically shared my feelings of a discussion a close person to my life shared with me, I only hope she continues doing what she is doing.  She is making a difference in my life, and far beyond myself, she is impacting and contributing positively to the lives of others, just by doing what she has been doing.

I also, hope and pray that the mis-understandings between other victims and their families, friends and those special to those victims, will cease.  The only way to do this, is for communication and for at times the victim set aside, as best as possible, to become the support for those who are supporting them.  To let them know that doing and acting in an unproductive way, in their lives, impacts not only them, but you the victim as well.. Let them know you Love them, as best and as much as you can muster, and to let them know that although they may not understand, you appreciate them for caring and for at least putting forth the effort; as well as express your thanks for them taking the time to try.

For those who are family members, or those who know someone whom is a victim of Sexual Assault, Just Love Them, listen to them, and most of all do not judge them; for they feel that they have been judged already; not by you or anyone else, but by themselves and their world.

 Final Thought:

I Do not have anyone in my life, that I have been able to connect to!  I know there is always an exception to every statement, like the one that opened this "Final Thoughts."  My only connections in my life is with my dog, and my friend Tracie.  I know that I have nothing to fear from them, and I know I am not being judged by them.  I know that I am heard, and my pain is real to myself and them as well.

I would hope that by reading this, as a victim or a family member/support network member, that you can reach out and understand that those qualities are the finest of all things a friend can offer, when a victim and survivor of a Sexual Assault.  Please do not put yourself in a negative position, by being supportive in a negative way.  It will do more damage to you and to whom so ever you are Loving and helping. 

Are We, As Victim's, Responsible?

It's early morning, here in California, still dark outside and traffic is buzzing outside of my living room window, as morning traffic speeds by.  I am sitting almost completely in the dark, with just a candle and the screen from my ipad, glowing in the stillness of my newly acquired apartment.   As I too started to get ready for work, I had to pause and make this entry into my posts..  Please do not ask why this came to my mind, only that it did and I felt the urge and urgency to post this.

I, like so many others who served in the military, am a victim of Sexual Assault.  I suffered that victimization, while in service to my Great Country.  I have over the years and even at the time, after my brutal attack, am angry at the world and most definitely at the military and my attackers.  What I have shared thus far, within my posts, is only the surface of both the events during the attack and the events afterwards.  I have primarily addressed emotions and experiences with you and not the detail of the actual attack.  I am not yet ready to ride that horse down the parade grounds, yet.

However, My attentions go to accountability and personal morals.  Both as a citizen of this world and of my community; and how the sufferance of my attack contributes to decisions and my accountability of my decisions and actions, upon others around me.  Yes, I am a victim.  I am not in the mindset that I am a survivor of anything, but a student of my own life.

So many times, I hear and read stories of those whom perform an act, commit a crime upon someone else; and when being held accountable, they use their victimization as an excuse to shrug or powder coat their actions or contributions to the events.  All the while, others suffer and those folks go out feeling justified for what they did, and their part in what ever act they were detained for.

Although our own victimization has casted damages upon us to bear for the rest of our lives, we are still accountable for every thought and every action we commit.  Even if those actions  cause the ill fate or ill feelings of others around us.  It is unacceptable to me, to see someone who was victimized, to lash out in some form and not understand that one day, they will be held to answer, regardless of their thought processes.

We as victims, know that we lose a stitch of feelings, a stitch of emotion and we have alienated others due to trust issues and I can go on and on about this.  However, we are still accountable for how we handle the feelings and emotions, the safety of, and the general ideas of others around us, not to mention the actions we take against others as well.

We made the choices, due to our being hurt, to isolate ourselves for what ever reason.  Consciously or subconsciously, we all as victims have made those choices.  Primarily due to some sort of self preservation thing, or what ever.  IN most cases, as in mine, I am finding that the primary vocalized reason is because no one would understand, or would be able to relate to me.  I have also heard the reasoning being that I am damaged goods.  I can completely relate to both of these, because I feel them both and Also, I can relate completely with I can not allow anyone around, because I have trust issues.

There Is No License, Given To Us;

Being a victim also means that we are given some basic rights.  A right to pursue and attempt to cure the cause of our victimization.  It gives us the rights to exercise our actions of rather to get close to others.  It gives us an authoritative right to become vocal, about the crimes or wrongs that have been brought to our lives, and to warn others of what could happen to them; despite their denials.  IT does not give us a License, however, to go and extract revenge, or to harm others in the process of our lives and then to hide behind the fact that it was stemming from our victimization.

All too often people need help, in order to deal with their pain and anguish.  There is not any thing that can be denied us, in that vein.   However, it is also our responsibility to those around us, to ensure that we  are not the cause of collateral damages to them or their property.  It is incumbent
upon victims, to acknowledge that since we may feel no one will or does understand what we had endured, we must keep in mind that by our inflicting pain and anguish to equal ours, is also not understandable; nor acceptable.. There is no reasons for anyone to inflict the sort of harm that was done to us, as victims.

Are We Responsible?

Are we responsible for what had or has happened to us?  NO!  However we are, as victims, responsible to others concerning our actions and aggressions.   Although it may be true, that our victimization may have direct influences upon our decisions, it is also worthy of reflection upon how we felt when what ever act was committed upon us; Prior to our lashing out with anger or passion towards another innocent person.

Although we are not responsible, for what happened, we are in like kind responsible to ourselves and others, to ensure their safety; even when we feel no one can relate to our position and our lives since a traumatic event.

As a victim, and survivor of any crime; we are also responsible to do everything within our existence, to reach out and ensure that justice for someone else is sought after and achieved, to the best of our ability.  We would have liked for that to have occurred, in our instance, as well.  But since it may not have, due to our own silence, or just due to the mechanics of the Laws,  We are responsible to ensure that justice is sought after, on behalf of other innocent people who are being victimized.

Final Thought:

Although I am a victim of what I perceived as the worst thing on this earth, which could have occurred, it is my responsibility to speak out, on your behalf and on the behalf of others who may become victims, to do everything in my power to help them avoid the horror,, I felt and experienced.

I submit, it is also every other victim's responsibility to reach out and fight for those new victims, not to reach out to create new victims..

Take Care Of Yourselves, and Bless

Have A Happy Holiday Season.

Gary

Living On The Run, When Can I Stop Running?

Ever since leaving the Military, it seems like I have been running, from life, from myself, from so many things, I could not even begin to suggest what all I was running from.  Living on the run, as it seems, was and has been a tiresome journey in life.  I often stop in retrospect and find myself wishing that the running, could stop and when I could stop running.

Almost everyday, I am reminded of what happened to me while in the Air Force, at Altus, AFB.  The Tiny room, which will and has been my own prison, within myself, always appearing throughout the days, since.  From the time I wake, brush my teeth, look in the mirror and comb my now gray hair; only to see sadness and scars from events that happened to me, back in 2004, due to an episode of my escalating anger issues.

I have always looked for ways of dealing with the scars, emotional as well as the physical, over the years.  I have always looked for a place to belong and to fit; as to allow me to put down roots and settle down into a meaningful life.  Although to this date, this has not occurred, where I have been able to settle down.  No,  In fact, I have been so unsettled over the years, that I have been homeless, most of the time since my Air Force Departure.

Occasionally, I would get into a place and stay for a short period then something would trigger a need to run some more; so, I would just pack clothes and walk away with no thought of wanting to tell anyone.. Just up and run with no apparent warning or reasoning.  I suppose between running, and working in a career full of episodes of seeing death and dismemberment of the human body, also has not been too beneficial to my already distanced approach to any living soul wanting to reach out to me, and become a "friend."

You see, I feel that the attack on me in my Dorm Room took away everything from me to a point that it does not seem any one place is safe for long.  I feel like since my  dorm room was the place where I was assaulted, what more sacred is any other place?  I suppose that staying too long in one spot, places me at more risks of having any sort of security.

The Sexual Assault that was committed against me, took more than just my feelings, my senses, my relationships, my life and my identity, it was humiliation in it's purest form.  And atop of all of that and more, My safety and security was ripped out of my hands, when my four attackers did what they did in my dorm room, to me.

To Stop Living the Past

I often hear that I have to learn to let go.  Stop living in the past.  These comments would come at times when someone would ask if I was okay and I replied almost ceremoniously, that I am having issues with something in my past.  I fail to see how anyone could make an assertion so "flippedly" and still smile afterwards at you, like a friend.  Especially when they have no sense of what I was and am dealing with, on a daily basis.

How can someone who has not been able to find themselves feel like they are okay?  How can someone who has had every fibre of their existence ripped and torn apart, say they have survived occurrence.    I read about people who are survivors of rape, and sexual assault. I wonder if that is really possible.. You see I have been a Victim for so long, that I have been merely existing, over the last 30 plus years, since my departure from the military.   I would enjoy just knowing that I have reached survivorship status.

I Am Not Alone

 You see, I know I am not alone out here.  Feelings of what I have are also feelings that are being shared by a lot of Veterans, in like kind if not at times worse.  How can I honestly say this?  Easy, Because I know that there are things that happen to people, that in their own way they feel as intense anger and humiliation, shame and every other emotion including being of degradation in the worst way possibly imagineable.  It is knowing that there are others, others whom have been brutally attacked, far worse than I; that keeps me going forward.

Living this way, is not romantic nor fun.  It, in it's own right brings all the same emotions back to the surface on a regular basis.  Some call it "triggers,"  I call it a nightmarish hell on earth, with a feeling of being in purgatory.  A dark abyss of  distance and rebelling against almost any form of connection with anyone, or thing.  I call it, going through the motions of life and pretending;  just to exist. I do not call it, surviving at all, from anything.

You may wonder if I am in a "dark place" right now.  No, I am living life like I have for over 30 years, since my sexual assault.  Not Truly Happy, nor Truly emotionally connected.  Today, the only thing better is the fact that I have started this blog in hopes of helping others, while looking for a means to help myself get through this mess, so I can move forward and take my life back.

I Am Sure There Are Others:

To assume that there is only one, is to assume the world revolves around only you.  This is a saying, I have held my trust upon.  Since I am not truly one to have such ideas or thoughts of this or any other world revolving around myself.  It is just that I am tired of thinking that those others are not out seeking what is there to be sought after; that is assistance for what ill has befallen up on them, and they remain in silence. That is  seeking out the life, that is rightfully theirs to have.

Because I am so sure there are others, I am out searching them out.  Well, sometimes strength comes in numbers; and I wish for them to know, that there is a way for numbers to be accumulated by just reaching out!  I am certain, and without a doubt dedicated in finding assistance for myself; but I also am just as dedicated to share what I do know to be true, in hopes that it will benefit those silent suffering, merely existing and going through the motions of emotion, to find their peace.

I honestly feel that by doing this together, it will assist both myself and them, as well as their families, live better lives together.


You have seen me write that since my attack, I have had no sense of happiness or life goals.  I am not sure what you would call this effort I am putting out here.  But I am always looking for the answer to one basic question that appears in my mind;  Living on the run, when can I stop?  I will further this, and assert the question; When can we stop?

Take care and thank you for visiting my blog,

Gary.

On The Right Track, But Looking Like Derailment Possible

Good Morning;

Well some good news, and some bad news.  I will start by discussing the good news first;

As of late November, 1581: Survivors of Military Sexual Assault and Domestic Abuse Act of 2013, was received by the Senate Committee for Veterans Affairs.  The date on the voting to see if this will pass this stage, is to be set, at a later time.  However, sources within the reporting agency, govtrac, stated that the prognosis for this bill, is bleak, which is set at about 20% to pass.

Not sounding too good?  Well I agree with you.  However the reasoning for not passage of course is not clear; but what is promising within this bill is that the bill addresses "Male Victims of Sexual Assault," in some pretty huge details.  The Bill also addresses the matter of establishing and maintaining a reporting system, which will allow the Government to start funding programs, for Male Victims, in like kind to what is already in place for Female victims.  

It appears that the Federal Government, or rather the bill authors are addressing Domestic Violence, within the bill as well and taking a good look at the rates of instances where one or the other participants in a domestic violence matter, somehow is connected to or stemming from aggressions as a result of PTSD and Sexual Assaults, within the Military, is what I understand. 

What If This Bill Passes? 

It leaves me to wonder, what if this bill passes?  What is the benefit to us, as victims, both Male and Female.  Well, it is my opinion, based upon my understanding of the nine pages I read of the bill (included in the preliminary reports on govtrac, that the Military will begin screening patients for possible Sexual Assault claims, and this will also filter to the Veteran's Administration as well for those seeking health benefits after separation from the military.

Once sufficient information is gathered, a reporting back to the Committees involved,  will increase funding or adjustments are to be made, to treat and investigate further the actual number of cases; and will allow for continuous growth within the treatment options, given to care givers.  this also means that improved and more qualified assistance programs will be instituted.

Basis Of Claims For Sexual Assault And PTSD Related to Sexual Trauma:

Here is the "Catch 22" on this!
Now if this bill passes, it requires that all administrative and treatment records be openly available to claimants, to allow them to present a case of, and substantiate a valid case of Sexual Assault, Rape, Sexual Misconduct, etc....

Without reading on whether or not Commanders will be left out of the loop, was unclear to me.  However, It is funny and has been reported that the standard of PTSD claims, are different for those claiming PTSD due to Sexual Trauma, than it is for War Time, Non Sexual Assault Claimants.

From my understanding of the bill, and all of the research I have done, all that a war-time Veteran has to do, is say he was in a war zone, or experienced difficult situations within a war time atmosphere, and he automatically gets benefits.    On the Flip Side of this bill, we as victims now have to make a humiliating claim, be scrutinized, be put under a microscope and then have to prove what we are saying is true and correct.

Well, to me this is not fair and not equal treatment.  We were traumatized, while we served our country.  In most cases, on a military installation, while on active or reserve duty status.  It seems to me, that liability instantly attached the day we all vowed our allegiance to our flag and took an oath to defend our  Constitution, Laws, and our Nation's borders and Citizens.


In Some Cases, Sexual Trauma Victims Do Not Speak Out For Years.

Okay, so I like so many have not spoken about my attack, at all for over 30 years.  Let's see if we can recall dates, times, people's names, people we spoke to and also what clothes our attacker's wore.  Can you, as a victim recall all of this?  Probably most of your assault is quite rememberable, and probably can even recall the smells, the voices, the words and even the emotions you were feeling, if you remained conscious, during your attack.

So, let's look at the people you can properly connect to your claim.  The people you tried to discuss this matter with to try to see what could be done.  Okay, Great!   After 30 years, are they alive to be called upon to testify competently?  Are they even alive?  In my case, most of my superiors were almost 25 to 30 years older than I was at the time.  

Then even if one or two of your former superiors are found to be alive and well.  Great!  Then we have to rely upon a stale memory, if any at all, because they blew you off and told you that they were going to destroy your life, should you utter a word to anyone, including a psychologist you were sent to, in order to address anger issues.

Is it my imagination, that first of all the "Statute Of Limitations" has ran it's course?  Even if not, do you think that superior is going to do, or say, anything to jeopardize his retirement and benefits, not to mention his "so called" good name?

To add one more item in this discussion, let us see if our attackers, sold tickets to their attack to allow for it to be put onto Youtube, for the fun of it.    Because it would have to bear to reason, the Veteran's Administration is going to ask for the attacker's names and possible witnesses.   What are we to do, if we were "blind-sided" and do not have any idea of who was attacking us?  Further, how are we to detail how we fell in and out of consciousness, during our being attack?

With All That Is, And All That Maybe:

With all that is, and all that will or maybe coming, we as victims of sexual assault and down right Rape, in some cases, are still left unarmed and untreated, according to what I have read.  It is an apparent "Snow Fluffing" attempt, by the Government to allow them to say they are becoming more sensitive and more pro-active, in pursuit of treating Sexual Assault Victims, Men and Women alike.

It is sometimes unfathomable to me, to see how those who are remaining in the walls of the shadows, can actually get treatment and have that treatment and diagnosis, stated under the classification of "Service Connected" Disability,  under this bill and under the pretenses, of what is before these committees.   I do not know about you, but I feel like, since we served our Country, We Took An Oath of Office, We dedicated our Lives, we are service connected.  To further this, while on active duty we were attacked, either on or off base, we were serving our country.  In some cases, attacks happen on Military Installations, like mine was.  So, again bears the "ear marks" of Service Connection.   And in most cases, our attackers were Military Soldiers whom were also serving their country.  


Final Words of Thought:

In some ways, this bill if passed, is a step in the right direction.   In others, it may be the wrong step to make, with all the stipulations which will come to bear on us, as victims of Sexual Trauma.  I believe that it should pass, but be amended to address specifically the issue of "Burden of Proof" which lies heavily upon the one person(s) whom have had been made to suffer, to be shifted upon the Military to prove it did not occur, or could not have occurred.

Hope you enjoyed today's installment, of this blog post.  As Always, I encourage remarks, comments, tips and even most appreciate it if you would come aboard and follow my posts, on a regular basis.
I wish you and your families all the best

Take Care Of Yourselves,
Gary

Will They Get It Right?

I have been watching the progress of both the Senate and the House debate much of the policies and bills concerning Sexual Assaults in the Military and Honestly, like most, I am torn on some of the provisions within the Military Justice Reporting System Revisions.   But one question still remains; "Will They Get It Right?"

I suppose that only time will tell us, whether or not our representatives will get it right, and have this piece of Legislation put into effect.  However, I myself, am split on the bills and provision changes; which now sit in the voting side of the political machine.   Should Commanders and Superior Officers decide who goes before review or Court Martial, when another person claims they have fallen victim to Sexual Assault?

Here Is a man, I can speak very little of, who goes by the name of Brian.  He stood in front of our congress, from my understanding, only to do what I have started to try to do.  "Hats Off To You Brian!"  He stood and testified, and in his statements, he not only recognized that he was in the minority, but that other men also was in the same position he is in.  "Forgotten in the Processes of Legislation and Recognition." (These are my words, not his.)

Carolyn Kaster/AP

Brian Lewis pauses during painful testimony on Capitol Hill last March. Lewis told the subcommittee not to forget that many victims of sexual assault and harassment in the military are male.

 

There is some portion of conflict in my opinion, as to whether or not Commanders should be taken out of the loop, as far as having authority to pursue actions against an accused Soldier, on the allegations placed upon him or her.  However, despite this conflict within myself, I have to recognize my own experiences in the inquiry that I made, with my Commander, First Sargent, and my Section Chief.    

 

Threats were instantly made, almost like they were "Pre-Writing and Coached."  There was not one bit of hesitation on part of either party, in asserting their power over my position, as a Military Grunt. It was an automatic assertion, almost uniform from the top to the bottom.  The appearances of each saying and forcing silence upon me and my inquiry, was in an attitude of "Not On My Watch" type of tone.

 

So, what if there were some triggers that caused for them to react the way they did?  I am sure there were, but in spite of that; there should have been some added inquiry on their part to ferret out where I was heading on my line of questioning, and there were not.  No, it was a "Cut and Dry" response with nothing more to add or subtract, which by the way sent me spiraling into a proverbial "tail spin" which allowed them to find reason to force my departure from the military.

 

Okay, So what! I handed them the tools due to my "Acting Out" to gain attention, which led to my departure.  It is my opinion that if they could not handle the questions or the assertions I had made, there should have been a "check and balance" follow up of some sort.   What I mean is that the Commander and/or First Sargent should have been forced to forward a written statement to JAG or the OSI, and have their position made clear to them, as well as to allow those agencies to become involved to investigate.

 

Yes, you can say that it was all happening in an era where having to report one of your subordinates were asking about "male on male," sexual assault, and that it was just "taboo" to speak of.. Maybe, but I am not buying that.  There should have been a system, even back in the 80's, where some sort of oversight should have been in place to allow even the slightest assertions of victimization by Sexual Assault or misconduct, should have been double checked.

 

The Washington Post's article, a few days ago on the matter stated that Military Commanders were approaching victims and other soldiers to assert that they should not be taken out of the loop, or taken from having authority in such matters.  It was stated in part that doing so, will cause problems in the way they control their troops and undermine quick response to the assertions of Sexual Assault. 

 

I somewhat agree, but based on my experience I have to disagree.  You see, I feel that everyone has a feeling and an agenda, when it comes to the Military Chain of Command.  Depending on how you look at it, yes, taking this out of the Commander's hands is taking control away and compartmentalizes the matter from the actual norm of command control.  However, by leaving matters, such as this in their hands, brings it under suspicion as each commander wants their command terms to have a "Clean Sweep" of superior service and somehow feelings of that being attacked is over-shadowing the issue of Sexual assaults within their command.

 

Now, Personally, I do have an issue with any commander going to troops and deciding who can and can not participate in Legislative hearings, concerning Sexual Abuse and Assault based on them being agreeable to some agenda, to keep the matter within the Chain of Command, as it currently is.

As some of us know, Military personnel are not suppose to bring bias to any side of the political issues to bear, upon any subordinate or action which is taken.  The military is supposed to be an unpartisan entity. (Which we all know is a bunch of garbage, and politics play a huge role in the military, and always has; in my opinion anyway.)

 

In Closing, I have to say; We all have to make up our minds as to how we wish to look at this matter.  NO one should or can make that up for us.  I urge you to take what ever bias's or feelings you have, and jump on a search engine for some research and soul searching.  Especially if you are, a Sexual Assault Victim.  Neither myself nor anyone else should have the power to dictate what you believe is right. Not to say, they don't have the right to try and logically or fairly persuade your thoughts or feelings.  And this goes for the Commanders and Politicians, most of all.

 

Have a Great Day, and Be Blessed

Gary.

How Many Must Fall, Because Of Their Want To Serve?

I wonder how many of these male recruits must fall victim, to male on male rape, or MST, before the military and the Veterans Administration take it seriously and do something productive, to come to the aid of the survivors of Military Rape and Sexual Assault?

I am sure that no one wants to join the military, to offer themselves up for victimization, at the hands of not only predators, but also suffer extended consequences of reporting the matter.  I am going to try and "skirt" around the statistics of Sexual Assaults, within the ranks of every military branch, in the United States.  Why?  Well not only are they not truly accurate, but they are at best just an estimate of those instances which were reported and where action was taken. Also lumped in those statistics are the ones which are reported and then discounted, to nothing more than a false allegation.


What Is Being Forgotten? Or At Least "Brushed Over." In All Of This)

The largest amount of data that exists, on the subject of Military Sexual Abuse, and all of the "lesser Offenses" included in such charging of those who commit the abuses, is at best scantly covering this issue, but talking about it to keep the public informed of the so called "Pro-active" stance that the military is taking on less than complete or accurate information supplied by commanders and actual court marshals that have occurred.  So, I beg to question; What is being forgotten?   Well the answer, in my opinion is "MEN" are being forgotten.

Men, according to the military's own records are supposedly the more assaulted group in the military.  However, the military and advocates are really unsure of just how many men are or have been subjected to assaults and rape, during their military service.  Why? Well mainly because of the fact that men are just not reporting the assaults to their commanders, or to their health care providers for fear of not just retaliation, but also fear that they will have to live with the stigma of being a victim.  In my case, I did not report the issue until just recently out of fear from having to face the proverbial "Ghost in the Closet."




Women, Traditionally Have Always Been The Victim's Model.

Women have always been the more widely reported victim group, in as far back as I can remember.  Not, to be disrespectful of that in anyway. In today's society as well as the culture of the American Male, it has been widely hidden that sexual abuse had or has become a part of their lives.  In many instances, it is now coming to light that more males, who serve in the Military, are victims of sexual abuse across the board; even with the current numbers being known this is becoming a nightmarish fact of life, within the Military Culture.

Again, I am not trying to be disrespectful here..  Women are and always have been coveted in our society as sacred and the male tendency which has been ingrained in most men, is that no matter what we must protect women at all costs. This is, again in my opinion, what should be happening.  We should be protecting our women from such assaults.  We should be protecting them even if men find that their wives, daughters, nieces, and lady friends have fallen victim.

With all said to this point, I am personally disarmed at the lack of attention that comes, when a male suffers a similar befalling.

A Reverse Of Rolls:

Is the Culture, in which we live, so set in "Roles" and expectations that when there is a variance from those "roles" that we just turn our heads and walk away?  Well, it seems this is the case; at least in my view and perception of this particular matter.    It appears that no one wants to admit that they have been sexually abused, Not even women.  The stigma of becoming the perpetrator, or instigating the events that lead up to the assault, was our fault and that we put ourselves out there..  My lord what were we thinking?   In most cases, the answer was and is, that we were thinking and had a right to think we were in a place that we were safe. 

It is now a reversal of roles, that men must suffer the consequences of those men, who in the past have scowled at women whom had been victimized.  Regardless of what our beliefs or our up raising has taught us about protecting the women, we as men have to recognize that we can become the victims as well.  No, I must rephrase that last sentence.  We must recognize that we have also been victimized by such assaults, and hiding from this fact,  is not going to bring our sufferance to any less of a reality.

Yes, as it is being viewed by the Civil Liberties Advocates as a "Reverse Discrimination" issue, within our protected and lightly viewed world today.  Advocates for Civil Liberties have coupled with Swan, in their attempts to bring more gravity to the fact that Men are being victimized in never perceived numbers, while serving their country and are being turned away from assistance and justice, in what appears to be the same manner women were, and are being turned away from since the civil war era and probably before that time.

There Are So Many Reasons:

There are so many reasons men are not coming forward, to talk and disclose their past assaults.  I could not even begin to speak on their behalf.  I know the reasons, in part, as to why I did not come forward with my attack, when It Occurred.  In fact, the one largest reason is the threats I received early on, when I even mentioned the matter to my superiors and was told they would destroy me and any chances of a career in the military.   In one instance, that threat included my future in the civilian world as well.

I knew once I started to try to pick up the pieces, of what was left of myself, I knew nothing in my live's past, would ever be the same.  I knew that I could never truly return "Home" and expect the same level of relationships, I left behind when I enlisted in the Air Force.  I knew that was all gone, and any hopes of sharing this disgusting secret, would fade as no one would be able to understand me, or what my attackers did.  I knew that at that point, I would forever be locked in a self made prison of secrets, facades, and excuses; to lead everyone away from bringing up the subject.

So, what is your reasons for not coming forward?   I know that is sort of out of context and out of what you may have expected, from this article or commentary.   But if you are a victim, what is keeping you from at least coming forward and putting your story on record, with the Veteran's Administration, to seek what is rightfully yours?

 Shame, And What It Took From Me:

Shame is not something to take lightly, nor is it something that is not worth exploring.  I know only that up to this point, I have not received the responses for help, from the Veterans Administration, here in Corona, CA. nor Loma Linda Veterans Administration's Hospital.  So, I have not received any counsel or help from them except for their desire to medicate, medicate and to give more medication.

So, I am not really sure how to face all the emotions and "ghosts" in the closet that have been chasing me over these 30 plus years, as I suffered silently in my own prison of shame and denial.

I look back at the raising of my step children, and their children, over the years. I look back and reflect on how I handled the times, in which I saw shame cross their faces.  I look back at the advice I shared with them to help them live in a better view of the world.  I suppose that is why I am working so hard to get this blog out there and get the word out, that Men Need to Be able to express themselves in such a way, they can deal with their own shame and disgust.    I started looking back at this, only a few months ago; giving credit to an old friend of mine, who urged me to get assistance and start the healing process.

Lord I know, it is not easy!.. I am battling with emotions, I have never known and the one's I have known about, are significantly multiplied in their intensity, to a point that I am over-whelmed most of the time, and go into panic attacks and every emotional break you can imagine. (and some I could not have imagined.)

Last Words For The Day: 

In closing of this post, I have to say; this post has turned out a lot different than I intended it to.  I am however, not going to edit it or change one word or assertion of this post.  However, I am urging those men and women whom have suffered at the hands of others, to reach out and let your voice be heard.  Put it on record, and know that no one can judge you, in doing so.  I am going to urge, Men Especially, whom have been wronged by your former or current commanders, or superiors, to come out and shout to the roof tops, what you are suffering with.  They may not want to know, but they need and have to know.

For those Commanders, First Sargent's, Section Chiefs out there, listen and don't judge because of your own narrow minded views.  These folks need to be heard, even if they are a Male subordinate.

Lastly, I want everyone to take care and Thank You For Visiting.

So, Where Do We Go From Here?

Well today is the first days of the new Congressional and Presidential orders, laws and policies, which were passed for Victims of Military Sexual Abuse, Rape and how these claims are handled.  I am impressed somewhat, on the fact that some of those who were discharged under less than honorable conditions, as an overt act to keep them silent, has been opened up for review and can now be changed to honor those who otherwise would have served this Great Country Honorably.

There is some question on how long it will take to get these changes out and implemented, in my mind, however it is a  step in the right direction.

S.W.A.N.  Hits A Home Run!

sional Agenda on MST

Friday, November 29, 2013

4:22 AM

After much anticipation across the nation, President Obama signed the 2013 National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) into law. In the end, it included 19 amendments to significantly reform Department of Defense sexual assault and sexual harassment policies. This landmark bill has the largest number of sexual violence provisions ever signed into law, and represents the culmination of more than 18 months worth of relentless advocacy work by the Service Women’s Action Network (SWAN).

 

From <http://www.diversityinc.com/diversity-and-inclusion/obama-signs-new-military-sexual-violence-provisions-into-law/>

 

This I have to say is good new overall, for all military and ex-military veterans, who have been victimized.  I question however, how long it will take to get resources to areas of the treatment staff, who is charged with picking up the pieces.  I am also questioning the fact that the VA is far too ineffective with the current work load, due to lack of staff whom are properly trained to handle the ongoing and continuous increase of claims, that are being brought to the surface.

 

It is really a question, as well, as to what and how the VA will obtain proper guidance in training their therapists and councelors on Military Sexual Assault and PTSD, since the current staff, in majority are incompetent, in my humble opinion.

 

Although I am upset, personally with SWAN, an acronym for Service Women's Action Group, I have to say "Good Job" on the influences you had on this landmark bill, for change.  Now, Swan did influence the new bill by introduction of several key elements, which will significantly impact the reporting and handling of claims for sexual abuse and rape, within the Military.  These policies include, but are not limited to:

 

• Prohibiting the military from recruiting anyone convicted of a sex offense
• Mandatory separation of convicted sex offenders
• Insurance coverage for abortions in cases of rape or incest for service women and military family members
• Retention of restricted report documentation for 50 years if so desired by the victim
• The creation of “Special Victims Units” to improve investigation, prosecution and victim support in connection with child abuse, domestic violence and sexual assault cases
• Allowing victims to return to active duty after separation to help prosecute sex offenders
• The creation of an independent review panel comprised of civilian and military members that will closely examine the way that the DOD investigates, prosecutes, and adjudicates sexual assaults

 

• Required sexual assault prevention training in pre-command and command courses for officers
• Improved data collection and reporting by the military on sexual assault and sexual harassment cases
• Annual command climate assessment surveys to track individual attitudes toward sexual assault and sexual harassment
• A review of unrestricted sexual assault reports and the nature of any subsequent separations of victims who made those reports
• Notification to service members of the options available for the correction of military records due to any retaliatory personnel action after making a report of sexual assault or sexual harassment
• Requirement for DOD to establish a policy for comprehensive sexual harassment prevention and response
• Language that will allow better oversight and tracking of DOD’s implementation of sexual assault provisions from prior Defense Authorizations in order to ensure they are being enforced properly.

 

Source:

From <http://www.diversityinc.com/diversity-and-inclusion/obama-signs-new-military-sexual-violence-provisions-into-law/>

 

Now, the question that I have is how is this going to address the Discrimination placed upon male reporting of Male on Male violence, rape, or sexual trauma which is also found to include PTSD?    

Again, I applaud the efforts and accomplishments of S,W.A.N. and the hours and years that were spent, on getting this out.  However, as demonstrated to me, It appears Swan has no desire to help men, who have hit a proverbial wall looking for assistance and help in treatment or filing claims; who are being faced with "Reversed Sexual Discrimination."  (Again, My opinion.)

There a lot of good changes here, which will impact the claimant of Sexual Abuse in the Military, and ACLU has also been on board to push towards the Veterans benefit and discrimination angle of the past, being re-examined.   

I am not one for supporting the ACLU, however, in this matter, I have to say they too did a phenomenal job on getting Congress and others to recognize that there are Men out here in the world, that have suffered as well…

 

Again, I have to say Koodo's to S.W.A.N. and to the ALCU for all the hard work.  I can not leave this post, also without saying and throwing a mention to the survivors who testified in all the hearings.  Good Job!