Are All Male on Male Sexual Assaults, Commited by Gay Participants? (A Discussion, to Possibly Aid In Healing).

Hello, and Thank You, in advance, for coming and showing some interest in the subject matter; of which is addressed, here on my blogs.   The other day I addressed some statistics, concerning male victimization, in the act of Rape, Male Sexual Assaults in the Military.   Now, as you probably can see, this video was produced and posted on as recent as September 14, 2014; If I read it correctly.

The statistics that are described and disclosed here, are not anything that surprises me., However, they are much more in number of reported cases, which brought these statistics into the light.  There is, on the other hand the most chilling reality; is these statistic are not complete or completely accurate.  Why?  Well, because there are men out there whom have never came forward and reported their sexual assault/rape, or the inappropriate touching that occurred to them.  The most disturbing among all of that, is that there are all of those whom have not told their story, and who remain living with their shame and the injuries, in Silence. 

I am not sure, that I agree with this persons personal assertions; as it relates to the importance of whether or not the perpetrator sexual orientation.  Logically, one could assert that since the attack was conducted by someone whom was male; that the perpetrator has to be Gay.   I agree and disagree with this.

I have had actual discussions with people whom were both Gay and Straight, regarding male on male sexual activity.  One thing that has came to me, in my discussions was that during many male sexual lives (especially during adolescence and young adulthood),  There are times when every male goes through sexual discovery and experimentation.   Some of the sexually oriented contact, with other males, are consensual and are out of experimentation. 

During my Educational ventures, I had the pleasure of being in some Criminal Justice level classes that discuss mob dynamics, mob mentality issues, as well as "Peer Pressured Group Based Activities."   I have looked at these dynamics and other influences which involve multiple assailants in a criminal activity, and have seen some pretty harsh realities and connections with my own "Gang Rape."

In either case of whether, or not, a person or group, are of a "Gay" oriented background or "Gay Sexual Preference," is maybe important; but I don't think that is the only foundational concern here.  In Any situation where an assault or other case of criminal activity; there is an "Alpha" personality, that seems to guide or direct his/her influences, upon less dominant personalities, where he/she builds a sense of obligation, with lesser assertive or more subjective personalities.  Those personalities assert their perceived power, over others of less ability to be in control thereby falling in line with the masses; feeling like they would be compromised, and left out of their group.  (I hope this makes sense.)

I believe, in general that "Male on Male" Sexual assault, that the Alpha personality may be of some Gay orientation, or is close to one of his confidants, whom are Gay, and the dynamics of their influences may drive other "Lesser" assertive personality of their group following.  I believe that once the acts are started, the Alpha in the group activity and the other members of the group begin moving in the same direction; others of personalities whom are more prone to being followers; become energized and begin following the Alpha's action, thus building a series of dynamics that intensifies the actual act (s).

( I think you get the point I am trying to make here, I hope!)

Now, I have to say that there is a stronger sense of what the speaker in the above video; of which would direct one to assume that a "One on One" sexual assault/ Rape, would have some sense of being committed by someone whom had "Gay" tendencies.  However, in situations where there are multiple assailants, I think the dynamics are a bit difference; and fall in line with the "Mob" Mentality, where the "Alpha Personality" asserts peer pressure over one or more participants and then the pyramid or dynamics, include the other participants by asserting "Peer Pressure" over the lesser Personalities.  Trust and obligation is then transferred into the situation, between the assailants, through culpability, of  shared responsibility by grabbing the less strong personality, within the dynamics of the attack.

Funny, I am wondering why I went to the psychology of  the perpetrator's actions.  Maybe it's to justify why more than one person became involved with my Rape/Assault, and how others could not only observe; but interject themselves into the act; rather than stopping it.  I honestly don't know.

As I said, previously, I am not convinced that in all cases, that all Sexual Assault Assailants are of Gay Orientation.  I think that regardless of our sexual orientation, we all see other people, of the same sex, and find attractive features of their personalities or other attributes that are attractive to us.

    I also think that based on that; either jealousy or admittedly some feature of their physical form, attracts the interest.  What ever gives the attackers the final motivation, to attack that person; varies, I believe may range from "Getting Even or Revenge," "Jealousy," and Yes Definitely to "Assert Control."   I also think, based on my assertions, that some sexual attacks are not only opportunistic, but also out of experimentation, on the behalf of the attacker(s).

Now, I am not excusing Sexual Assault, or the actions of those whom commit such a horrid and devastating acts.  I am merely trying to find and discuss the issue, as to find some peace and a means of finding a deeper sense of forgiveness, for my own attackers/rapists/sexual predators.  I am also trying to open an interactive means of discussion, on the matter.. It is to me, as means of healing; not prompted by my Therapist or Medical advisers, or as part of my prescribed treatment plan. It just is a topic that pushed me to examine what the Gentleman above asserted, in the video.


Thank You Again for visiting.. I hope this discussion, is helpful. 

I would like to suggest that if you feel like you, or someone you know is a "Victim" of Sexual Assault, or have been Raped, please reach out and don't continue to "Live in Silence," as I did for years and years.  There are people out there whom care enough to want to help you, find the help you,, or your family, friend may need, to find peace.

 I would also ask that if you are suffering, in Silence, and feel like you are at risk of harming yourself; Please, I mean from the bottom of my heart, please reach out.

Mental Health Concerns and Suicide Prevention Resources:
HelpGuide.org
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm



http://veteranscrisisline.net or
(888)273-8255 #1

If you feel like you or someone you know, is going to harm themselves or others,
please call #911 immediately.

I Am Learning

Hello Again, and thank you for joining me in today's post.  I hope that all is well with you and the family. 




I am wishing to share some things that I am learning, to help me recover from and to deal with the stresses and issues associated with my PTSD and MST recovery.  I am in hopes that my story, and previous blog posts, are helpful for you; as well as informative; towards you or your family member getting help from a professional source, to deal with PTSD, and especially MST issues.


I am learning so very much, in regards to myself and my life, since finding my mental health professional.   In fact, she recently gave an opportunity to give back and to "Pay It Forward."
I am honored that she has given me the opportunity and that I am here to accept the project.  As a result, I am learning so much about myself and how to deal with the mal-adjusted ways I have coped with my issues; which stem from my Assault and the nightmare that encompassed the Attack upon me.








You see, when I first found my therapist; I was abusive to her sense of boundaries and not realizing it; I violated any normal senses of inter-personal boundaries that are held highly by others.  I did this, not even realizing what I was doing, and how it might have effected her as well as punishing myself in the process.








She demanded I purchase a book called "Boundaries"; but I never took it seriously and I honestly could not afford to purchase this book; as I live on a very limited income and most of my funds are dedicated to basic living expenses.  Well, as time went on, she held me to consequences of my choices, no matter the motivation of my choices; she had to establish ground rules of contact and enforce them with some heft costs for violation.












I would like to say that the actions I took, and the frequency of my contact with her out of disparity was excessive and was becoming very demanding; on my part.  When she would bring the matter up, to establish a clear boundary, of which we could work mutually and productively, she had to make some of the choices I made to be costly and with some pretty severe consequences, which I will not go into here.










Recently, due to my situation, my therapist gave me an opportunity to do a project with her; that I jumped at with no reservation.  She said it would benefit other clients of hers, whom were not described with any one sort of condition, but in a general setting.








Anyways, upon her purchasing Boundaries for me, to complete her project, I took it and had to read the pages within the cover.  The things I found in that book, was so familiar and so revealing to me; as it pertained to my responses to the various emotional and rational lines, which were being crossed, due to the level of the PTSD I was suffering with.  The words on the pages, brought to life a realization of my lack of proper boundaries; which were both derived from my childhood as well as the assault.






From the date of my assault/attack, I have been always resentful of those whom I tried to let close; as it felt at times they were using my willingness to pacify them and to perform at their requests; only to be personally disappointed at their lack of appreciation of my limitations.  I know that those people did not have any idea of my situation, in it's entirety, nor could they appreciate the impact upon me and my situations, but the ultimate responsibilities I had to myself was defiantly being ignored; by myself.




I was told that being a victim, does not have to define who I am.  And reading some of the materials that were suggested to me by my therapist, has showed me that I could be able to move on to becoming a survivor, and not merely a victim.   But none of the resources, she has put into my hands, Boundaries seems to be the most substantive in making me realize that I have control;  And it's my job and right to exercise that control, instead of giving control over me to others and later becoming resentful of my situation.


Now, yes I have been pushing the topic of this book.  I will let you know, that all of the textual content is Christian based, and seemingly very relevant to a Christian or Christian based living, and is backed with references to scriptural insight.   Unlike most of the other resources, I found that I related more with the textual contents of this book, and to the examples of writings.


I personally think that almost any sufferer of any trauma, who is diagnosed or not diagnosed with PTSD, will find very relevant information within the pages of this book.  I would not have ever imagined that one single book, or writing could impact my efforts towards recovery, as much as this one has.


I will say this much; If I did not believe in its ability to be of help to not only your recover, but to dealing with family and other future relationships; as a PTSD sufferer, I would not have dedicated an entire posting on my blog for it.  Just take the time to click on the highlighted portions of the text, and you will be directed to Amazon, to view the book.. I urge you to not only purchase the book, tonight, but to also purchase and share it with your spouse or significant other.  IT has the potential to help you and your family, in improving your relationship and how you deal with them. 


Have a Good Evening; and I hope if you can trust in my recommendation, that you will view the book and hopefully decide to spend the little bit of money, to purchase it.  I believe with all my heart, it will bring some very startling revelations to you and anyone else who might read it.


Take Care and Be Blessed
Gary Brents.

For Families Of, Friends Of, Care-Givers Of, Suffers From PTSD Derrived From MST.

I often struggle with the events of my assault in ways that I can not even describe.  From Flashbacks, to Anxiety, Depression, to being disenfranchised from the human race, and let us not forget not feeling like anyone cares and that if they knew; they would treat you like you are infected with the plague; then laugh as they walk away.


Letting go of things, and  connections with people becomes easier as time passes; but on the back side, you long for personal connection with someone besides your service dog or service animal.  Even at times, my service dog gets on my nerves; even when I know he is ultimately here to help me survive daily events and set-backs.


Waking in the mornings, is a chore at best. The pain from the beatings I endured from my assault, plague me daily.  I can not sleep in an elevated bed; so I sleep at night on the floor; atop of a mat to cushion the hard cold floor.  So, when I get up I roll off the mat onto an often cold floor; racked with pain in my back, hips, shoulders, legs and neck.  Every morning is like waking up on a medieval rack, used to stretch out the human body to the point of being torn apart.


when I do wake up; I go into the Head (the restroom) and if I look into the mirror; I see a monster looking back at me; not the person who is supposed to be looking back at me.  You have heard the saying that waking up with that person in the morning, becomes ugly and un-kept and that ogre looking person stares back?  Well, imagine that along with the distorted look of a twisted and blurred out demon; staring at you from inside the mirror.


Now, even after seeking out and being in therapy for four months; my therapist says she is seeing progress.  I have to take her word for it, and keep struggling on until hopefully one day that monster and the pain will subside and the monster I see in the mornings; as well as the pain, will subside.


Trust!  Hmmm.  well, since I have not had a sense of trust or personal connection for over 30 years; Trust comes hard, very hard to say the least.  I mean I am just beginning to trust my therapist; Lord knows I put her through her paces.  The people she has placed on my side; well, I am starting to feel like because of my therapist; I am trying to trust but verify everything they are claiming to be doing on my behalf; but there are not one connection so far. (I am not one who relies on hope; but working on this one as well.)


Well, My therapist tells me that I need to fulfill my basic needs; which by the way are supposed to be basic needs of any healthy human being; I am being told.  you know; housing, security, companionship, and something else.  this list is short, but resides in something called "Maslins hierarchy of needs"   Since issues of these called needs; keeps rearing up into my therapy sessions and distracting from my recovery; my therapists decided that we need to stabilize my life.  Okay; let's give it a chance, and try to trust in the processes.


Well, I have been told that I have accomplished more in three or four weeks than most folks are able to do in one or two years.  with the help of my therapist and connections; we have started my claim process with the help of an attorney, to go after my VA benefits.  We have found a place for me to call home, we have secured other much needed assistance to help me maintain and to give me a stepping stone to move forward.


Now, I have found that even with all this going on; everyone around me is excited for me.  I should be as well.  I have a seemingly terrific support network with the agencies and the attorneys who are working with me to build and take control of my life; and lest me forget the most important of that network; my Therapist who has been awesome to say the least.  She has been my "Rock" when all the ground around me has seemingly been filled with quick-sand.  I also have to give special recognition to people who have unselfishly allowed me access to utilize them as a personal support network; who are friends from my childhood, whom have crossed paths with me from time to time up to this point in my life.  For them I am very Blessed.


A lot of the things I am in process of building the stepping stones, towards a productive and rewarding life; something I have never known.  A stable home, which I have not known in over 33 years; since my assault.  Everyone who knows what has been going on, in my life is excited and thrilled about what is going on, in my life and what I have accomplished thus far.   However, with all that has happened; I have learned not to trust in anything or any process or progression to last.  Therefore I do not and can not attach myself emotionally to anyone, or anything. This remains to this day; but I am trying to re-learn.  I am trying so hard, and often end up frustrated with myself.


The reasoning for my sharing of this is to show those who love people, whom have suffered with PTSD, and Chronically Severe PTSD from MST, can understand a bit more of what sufferers are going through.  To help you understand the processes of which suffers like me deal with daily, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, etc...  I think the point can be inferred here.


Now, the above is an actual account of what my life is like.  However, as a Family Member, Care Giver of, Friend of someone who is suffering from PTSD derived from MST, you might be able to better see where your loved one's mind may be resting or living.  This is meant to allow you a window of the daily turmoil that your loved one is going through.  Although their habits may be difficult, for you to deal with at times; please take a deep breathe and focus on the fact that what you are going through; is intensified over 100x's with the sufferer you love.


I hope at minimum, This gives you insight enough for you to appreciate the reasons for their sometimes and sometimes often sense of disconnect; lack of emotions, lack of trust, lack of personal connections, lack of appreciation for accomplishments they achieved.  It's not that they do not appreciate all that is given, or all that is shared, or all that is gained materially and gained ground in their lives.


I just want to give insight at what seemingly helps me the most, in my struggles.  It sometimes goes further than medications, and allows me to focus on what is "here and now." Which helps with the flashbacks and the anxieties.


This is a Biggie:   Just re-assure your loved one, that they are safe and away from the place where their trauma occurred.   Let them know you love and care about them, and do not come into direct contact with them; at the onset of any episode.


Let them know that no matter what they say; or how disorganized their ranting is; get them to slow their breathing and to focus on something in the room that allows them to see what is happening now.


Here is another Biggie!  Just listen and don't judge them for what may spew out; no matter how much it may lead them to say things that are attacking of you or others you care about; just realize they are venting and frustrated.  In most cases, what is flowing is not based on a personal attack upon you; but just something to get the flow of the venting stages towards getting the deeper issues out; so they can be processed.  In other words, go into this with "thick Skin" if possible and don't let their seemingly harsh attack; set you into a conflict of words based on your feeling like you have to protect yourself.


In the end; and with practice with both of you, a deeper bond will develop with you and your loved one who is suffering.


I hope this helps you, help your loved one; who suffers from PTSD and especially a PTSD sufferer from MST.


Be Blessed, I know I am. 

It's Not My Fault. The Attack Was At The Hands Of Others, But Also Is Recovery.

I don't know about being a good writer, nor being the next Hemmingway.  I just know I have a tale to tell. I am upset with the level of efficiency within the VA. and the folks who fail to perform their duties, and to fulfill their obligations to Veterans, who serve and protect our Citizens on a daily basis, or whom have served in that capacity. 

I am neither brave, nor am I courageous, in what I have been doing or in anything I have ever done in life.  I just don't want anyone to suffer the impact of being put in the situations I have been in... I don't want anyone to have to search out help, that is currently not available through the Veteran's Administration, nor do I wish to have anyone suffer the disappointments of being turned away from an agency that was designed to help Veterans, whom have served their country.

If you are trying to decide on whether or not to file a claim, through the Veteran's Administration, you are in fact heading down a long and arduous path.  Especially on a claim for PTSD and/or PTSD related to Military Sexual Assault.  here are some things you will want to have with you, when you begin your claim.

This information was found at the website located at:  

http://www.dav.org/learn-more/news/2014/military-sexual-trauma-claims-re-evaluated/

 The VA has also relaxed the evidentiary requirements necessary to validate a claim. Claims-rating specialists now look for “markers” that indicate a specified traumatic event. These can include:

• Records from law enforcement authorities, rape crisis centers, mental health counseling centers, hospitals or physicians
• Relationship issues, such as divorce
• Pregnancy tests or tests for sexually transmitted diseases
• Statements from family members, roommates, fellow service members, clergy members or counselors
• Requests for transfer to another military duty assignment
• Deterioration in work performance
• Substance abuse
• Episodes of depression, panic attacks or anxiety without an identifiable cause
• Unexplained economic or social behavioral changes
• Sexual  dysfunction.

Now, these are the basics of what I am hearing, that is required for a good chance of approval on your claim(s).. However, who knows how long or how much of a standard this will be and for how long it will or will not be the standard..  

According to the website, cited above, the Veterans Affairs is supposed to be relaxing the burden of proof, required to prove MST and related PSTD, suffered by Veterans.. However, the site suggests that reviews of previously declined claims, can be reviewed for approval, under the supposedly new guidelines.

A Friend of mine stated something to me, in passing, that I should submit a statement.  The fact is; is that the statement she suggested, was very true and a matter of fact.

"I have no issues with family members, as I have no family members."  This not only will work with Friends, as well as with family members.   It is funny, that only someone who has suffered as I have, by means of my own Assault, but also the PTSD which had been carried in silence for over 30 years.
 
Recently, however, I can start to say that is slowly changing into a more positive outlook.  Since my breaking my silence and seeking help, I have realized that connections with others are slowly coming about.   And I am beginning to be thankful for the issues, which come along with those connections.

Now, I know the Veteran's Affairs and Mental Health programs, not to forget the medical programs, are lacking to say the least.  However, if that is all you have; Utilize that and get your claims started.  Most importantly, get someone on your side and take a stand for what is rightfully yours;  Your Life and Happiness.

I am slowly coming to know that the attack that took so much from me, is and was not my fault.  There was nothing I could do, to prevent it or to thwart it.  It was in the hands of others, not mine.  Well surviving the attack also is in your hands, but will require a huge amount of assistance which is outside of your hands.                                                                                                                                                                                                             If you decide to go to the Veterans Administration for assistance, and I strongly suggest doing so, you will probably want to seek out a Veteran's Claims Specialist, through your local American Legion, or through the VA clinic's in your area.  They will be most valuable in packaging your claim, for submission, as they know the guidelines of what is expected through the VA claim processes.


It is neither my fault that the attack on my person occurred.  Nor was the attack within my hands.  It was at the hands of others whom I have no control over.  With that being said, I must also say that Recovery, or moving from victim to Survivor, is in your hands and others whom are being supportive in the right and proper manner and in the proper settings.


I pray for your recovery and for your finding your new life, being all you ever hoped for.  I also pray for your regaining your self-respect and self identity, which you can be proud of.


There is help out there for anyone whom can just swallow their pride, pull up their sleeves, and just muster the courage to ask for help..  Believe me, I never asked for help and always tried to tackle life on my own, with out ever knowing how to ask.  But when I did finally ask for help, I was surprised on who all came to my aide.


Good Luck and Bless..

Veteran's Administration, Disrespecting Our Veteran's and Thier Sacrifices.

There seems to be no shortage, of those Veterans, whom have died needlessly due to delays of the help, both medically and mentally.  All of us know that Veterans sacrifice their minds, bodies and souls while in service, of our country.  Even in non-combative eras, Our Veterans are separated from familiarity of family, friends, and still selflessly give their allegiance towards the safety, the soundness and the serenity, of all citizens of the United States; both abroad and here in the States.


I know that I do not have to point out, nor can I adequately cover the immenseness of sufferance, nor the depth of the services that our Veterans give; no matter which era, or what war they did or did not serve.  The fact that they downed the United States Military Uniform, should speak volumes about our Veterans, and the selfless efforts they have contributed towards the institution of Freedom, and the safety of our Country.


With all said, it is our duty; including the duty of our veterans, to be there for our Veterans whom are coming out from active service and to support the Veterans whom have been out, dealing with injury and hardships.   As a Veteran, I feel that all Current Veterans and all of the Veterans to come; are owed the dedication to our safety and our health; and yes the support from our Governmental Agencies.


Now, as it was back when I came from service of our great nation, the Governmental Agencies have been fast to turn Veterans away, or delay such services which were designed to assist Veterans with easier migration, back into society.  More specifically, the lack-luster way that the Veterans Administration has handled medical and mental health claims, has been nothing short of shameful and disrespectful to our Veterans and their families.


Last week, I believe, It was brought to light that 40 Veterans had lost their lives, due to delays in Medically needed services.  These same delays, will not surprisingly be rewarded by bonuses to the Veteran Administrative authority, within the facility and network management/Commanders.


IT is not uncommon for basic testing to take up to 5 or 6 months (if not longer), to find a diagnosis or to treat an already pre-existing condition.  It is not uncommon for disruption of services, to lower over-head and to accommodate lack of trained personnel availability issues.  By unjustifiably denying services, or delaying services, the Veteran Administration can then report less money being spent during a fiscal year reporting period.


Is one to believe that those deaths, in Phoenix, AZ. are an isolated issue.  I Submit that it is not even the tip of the proverbial ice-burg.  It may be that the matter occurred during a short period of time; and has been reported into the news agencies, to draw attention to the matter.  However, it is far from being the strange and uncommon facts of truth, that has existed for as long as I can recall; and probably since a lot farther back than that.


Yes, since the leak which was reported by a Veterans Affairs Service Worker, whom was assigned to that particular facility.  However, the matter extends beyond this one incident. It is an ongoing event that holds Veteran's lives, in the balance while the "Bean Counters" and Administrative bodies play a Sick game of Monopoly with our Veteran's and their families lives and safety.


They, whom ever "They are" decided that Senator McCain and other Governmental representatives, needed to make a public speech or two.  To discuss their distain. their dissention and their disgust at the matter.. 


Now, I have to put emphasis on the sentence just proceeding this note.


So, Senator McCain, who is a multiple time Veteran and POW, who supposedly is the outspoken spokesperson in the governmental body, for Veterans and for our Troops is speaking NOW on how amazed and upset he is at the matter that cost those 40 lives.   However, he has known of the Veteran's Administration's Medical and Mental Health shortcomings, since he came back from Viet Nam Campaigns of service, where he served our Nation.


Yes, I am picking on Senator McCain; and maybe it is unwarranted to some extent.  I know the matter at hand, goes beyond him and any one person; unless of course, you are the Commander of the individual Veterans Administration Medical/Mental Health facility who is getting a bonus for short falling services, to our Nation's Heroes.   (Let it be said, all whom have served, are Heroes.)


So, what is the solution?  I have not the answer. However, in the realm of helping all forms of aid to all Veterans, should see significant improvement.  I suppose that any sort of assistance, to anyone Veteran will be all too late coming and probably will be all to late to help those families whom have lost family members.   What Catches my eye, is that with this "Whistle-blower" coming forward and making such a "Stink" with the Media, it will probably only cause a "blip" on the radar in our Government no matter how many Senator John McCain's there are, who are all of the sudden willing to address the matter.

You Can Never Understand

I have been writing this blog, for over six months.  I have addressed some issues and the lacking nature of agencies, Rape Crisis Agencies, and our Government's lacking discipline to properly address the lack of training.  Lack of training, lack of asset allocations, lack of interests, while putting out the pretense that they  are trying to address Male MST/PTSD Veteran survivors.


I have taken most of my time addressing issues that I deal with on a daily basis, and things I am doing to find assistance for my Issues, concerning PTSD and the MST I suffered, during my Military Service.    I know that I have spent most of these six months addressing this aspect of my life, for a reason.


Now, you may not be an actual victim of Military Sexual Trauma, or suffering PTSD.  You see, it's not whether or not you actually have suffered the direct attack, or the direct impact of the trauma that someone else has suffered to be effected.  A loved one, a neighbor, a friend, a family member, who has suffered through these aspects of the trauma, needs to have others around them to ask questions, to identify cues and hints, to not just brush mild displays of depression, anxiety, anger, rage, or other mental issues, to lend a hand.


Reading through my blogs, of both present and past, can give you some sort of indications that someone is in need of help.  But just because they, themselves may claim they are fine, it can seriously rub off onto an innocent by-stander, who is close to the person, whom is suffering.  Reaching out for assistance, even for yourself, to empower yourself to cope with the stresses, can mean the differences between the longevity of any relationship.


Personally, I have suffered the losses of two marriages and the loss of family members, friends and missed opportunities, due to my own mental health issues and due to the fact that the Military and Veteran's Administration had and has turned their backs on me.  I hid all of the issues by pushing the ones closest to me away. withholding emotions and trust and even commitment, all in the name of my injuries and the sufferance's of my Sexual Assault, and the beatings I endured.


Reaching out, is not something to be ashamed of.  Realizing that you need help finding yourself, or helping someone find themselves, through therapy of some sort, may not be welcomed at first.  However, after the initial shock of admitting there is a problem and seeking out help for yourself or a loved one, the rewards are tremendous.


I used to push help away in several ways, but mostly by becoming very defensive towards anyone who asserted my need for help.  I had the attitude that if no one had suffered what I had, they would not ever be able to understand.  If someone could not understand, how can they help me?  I personally am in the process of realizing that the person who is helping you, does not have to understand, to be of assistance to you, or your loved one.  It is the other person who can help you, or your loved one whom is suffering, understand the issue enough to file away the matter.  By properly addressing the issues at hand, the sufferer is capable to move past the individual sticking points of the trauma (s), and the attack itself.


As features come available to me, through my own journey  into understanding my pain and the various facets of my traumas, I will share the progress and the set backs.  I will be trying to integrate the short comings and the progress professionals are taking, to address Our issues.  I will try to share with you, both good and bad points, as I see them, and let you decide your own points of interest.


But the main thing of all this, is that if you have a friend, a neighbor, a family member or other loved one is suffering in silence; help them help themselves without becoming consumed into the trauma yourself.( IF possible.)   Looking back on my past, I see where my wife (wives), have suffered as I did and am.  I was so caught up in hiding my pain, that I failed to recognize their pain and therefore brought relationships to their ends.


So, from this point I am working towards doing more research on my posts, towards education of both my readership and myself, on the progress of our military, our Government, and the Veterans Administration, in preparing their staff towards addressing and properly treating the needs of our veterans.  From time to time, I will also be looking at civilian efforts in addressing male sexual assault, as well.


If you wish to contact me, or reach out to me, please leave a comment asking for me to contact you.  IF you are a someone who is looking for help, you can reach out to me, and I will try and assist you in finding help, as best as I can.  IF you have questions, please reach out to me and I will try  to answer your concerns.  However, if you are questioning my qualification, or my being capable of understanding, please take time to read previous posts of mine, and then make a decision.  But in either case, please reach out to someone.  DON"T SUFFER IN SILENCE.

A Glmpse Into What Could Be

You know I have struggled on what to write on today's blog post.  I have ranted and vented and informed the readers on my attack, the events and feelings I have struggled with over the last 30 plus years.  As I have lived in silence, and as I have stated in previous posts, lived in a self made prison of emotions, anger, rage and the wish that the people who took part in my Sexual assault, while I was in the Military, I also have let life pass me by.  Well Today, I am going to discuss something that happened to me, just this weekend; because of what I posted about last week.  Letting go.






I have accepted what has  occurred to me, and have found an avenue of helping me live past the aftermath of my Attack.  After 30 plus years of sufferance, after two marriages and losing my family and friends, after losing everything I owned, multiple times;  I became weary of losing and of losses I could not control.  I went past the Veteran's Administration, whom by the way has been ineffective in assisting me, and hired a private Therapist.  (I want to mention, she has been fantastic in her efforts.)






The point is; I reached out and realized I needed help!  I did not stop at finding an outlet. On the verge of giving up on life, and already given up on all hope, reaching out has been invaluable to finding out that there is no need to give up, when there are folks out there who are willing to step beyond themselves, and stretch out their talents beyond their "Norm" to reach out a hand to you..






The messages which lay within the lines of this post, is that no one knows you need help, unless you tell them and put aside your pride. Just search and reach out to find someone who will listen and lend a hand.  Ever since the day of my Sexual Assault, I found out real quick that asking for help was pointless, therefore I gave up on asking for help in every aspect of my life.  As an assault victim, especially a Sexual Assault Victim, you find out real quick that no one wants to hear the realities of being in that position. No one wants their lives tainted, and pretty soon you begin feeling that there is no point in asking.






Putting your head down and dredging through the pain, building up the defenses, suffering when no one is looking, is the new "Norm" of life you will come to, or have come., to know.   So, you construct a "game face" and live your life behind that mask while in public; not letting anyone close to you see the real you.  The draw back to doing this over time, is that you not only start hiding from those close to you, you also lose your own self identity.  Over time you lose everything; including yourself.




Well, through the help of my therapist I was given a chance to get "a glimpse into what could be."
By this, It was mildly suggested that I venture out to experience something I have never experience before.  No, not anything dangerous, nothing self revealing, nothing which on it's surface would be seen as putting anyone at risk at all.  But for me, it was something that made me face a long laid fear, along  sense of anxiety, and not only had me reliant on one big feature, which my Attack had taken away, It made me put trust in both my therapist and the person I was now asking to help me, face these fears and anxieties.   (By the way, the second person involved was never before known by myself.)  In the onset, I had to place trust and faith in my therapist, that she would not place me in any sort of danger, or in a compromising position. (A difficult leap of faith, To say the least.)


Well, as things would happen, it turned out to not only a means to face many anxieties, and my fears, it actually ended up opening up many more things that I had never before experienced, on the positive side.  After my adventure, I took the rest of the evening and explored a place and experience, I had once enjoyed, prior to my entering the Military and thus prior to my Sexual Assault...


It took a place, that I had visited over a million times; and turned it into a new adventure of and into itself.  You see, for a little while I saw this familiar place through a different set of eyes.  I saw the people in a different light and was actually light hearted. (something I had not experienced in over the 33 years of being a victim.)  The relaxed nature with no pretense, with no obligation to hide, with no inhabitations, and with the sole intention of being there for ME, changed my view of hope which I had never before seen it.

After walking the pier and the beaches of Huntington Beach, CA. I went to a sidewalk café/ bar and grill and had what seemed to be the best dinner, I had experienced in as long back as I could recall. I had a half glass of beer to wash dinner down.  It seemed that the food amazingly tasted better, People gathered around me, as I was joking and laughing, light heartedly, with both patrons and the waitresses and staff of the establishment.  I even experienced a spontaneous request from a person whom asked to join me, at my table.  The reason for me to share this, is because for the first time, in what seems like forever, I felt like I was someone who was likeable, who was engaging, who was worth something aside of being referred as a monster, or someone everyone was fighting to get away from.


I had experienced a new set of experiences, that I had never before allowed myself to experience, because of self constructed walls and barriers. I was able for some reason to experience this without the heavy heart, the heavy load of my past.. In fact, there was no discussions of my past and for a while, my past or anyone else's past never came up or into question.  It was just a bunch of folks enjoying a hearty laugh, and a memorable memory.  This normally would have been an experience I would have had avoided at all costs.


I know you probably are thinking something along the lines of  "Well, good for you!"  I understand why you would say this, or something like this.  But by saying or taking that position, you are also taking away from yourself if you are someone who had been Raped, Sexually Assaulted, Attacked, Mugged or suffered any other type of trauma; and refused to reach out for help in dealing with it, or for trying to seek a way to self-rediscovery.


I hope that my Glimpse into what could be, and the fact that I realized that I had lost so much.  I want to encourage you to  take a pro-active approach towards getting help and working through the ghosts, monsters and even demons, which were saddled along with the identity of being a victim.  


In the limited time, I have utilized the aide of a therapist; I have learned and discovered so much about myself and my life.  I do honestly know it is only the beginning. However, even through the hard road ahead, I look a little more forward than I had previous to this weekends events.  I could not have done this, without asking for help and being encouraged by a long time friend, to seek out local assistance and therapy.


Bottom line:  IF you know someone, or are someone who has been suffering in silence (as I did) for any length of time, Get that someone the help, or get to someone who can help them; help themselves.  If you are a Veteran of the Military, who has suffered at the hands of your comrades, who you trusted and put your faith in; go to the Veteran's Administration and ask for help.  The point is: Get help, it will serve you well.


Good luck on your journey.

There Are No Pictures, No Words, No Reasons

There is always, and has always seemingly been a quest for a picture of Justice.  Justice for the Attack I suffered while In the Military. Since It has been such a lapse of time, between this moment and the time of my being victimized; the only justice shall only come from the judgment upon the four individuals, which shall come in their passing into the hands of their Lord, their creator, their Idol of warship.


My attack left a shambles and fragments of a life, to fend for itself and to try to flourish into what and who and what I have become today, in this moment.  Still fragmented, still experiencing all the hurt and all the hate and rage.  Still filled with doubts and always questioning my every day of existence.


Shifting Anger among each of my attackers, at myself.  Shifting Blame between what was unnamed and unidentified attackers, and myself kept me at bay from going forward.  Searching for the answers, has only thus far only left me with more questions.  30 plus years, of sufferance kept in silence with no words to express the darkness, the loneliness, the isolation.


As I left the military, I was jailed within the walls of my living quarters, to which I was assigned during my service to my country, at the base I was also assigned.  For over 30 years, I lived in a prison of the past and went into search of a way to escape that prison of brick walls, hard concrete slab floors covered with a blue and green colored carpet.  I sought out answers and the key to remove myself with the Veteran's Administration, and as previous posts suggested was left to fend for myself and to begin a life of isolation.


Finally, I found some glimmer of hope with a private source to begin my path to healing.  After 33 years of sufferance, I am now only just beginning a road to hopefully beginning to find answers and hope for some form of a productive future.  Recovery,


Anger and Rage, Hate are all too powerful of not only words; but also actual emotions can lead to some pretty solid and tangible effects on one's life.  These have guided me down paths that are not productive for my life, for which has been a part of all the limitations I have placed upon my life's path to move forward.  


Although, I must admit it is a struggle to put these emotions into a proper order; I realized that doing so is a must for me to make more productive and progressive advances, in working past my past experiences and trauma.  You see,  This last week I realized a lesson I learned when I was younger.  A very difficult lesson in morality, and in reality which I had held onto all of my life and has guided me into being able to keep fighting.


You see, I finally realized something after a session past, which has been with me all along.  I was taught that judging another is of no consequence, as is hating and holding onto anger and rage.  A revelation was made clear to me, in the referenced session, which led me to see that all these years; the anger, rage and Hate being placed upon my attackers; has potentially kept me imprisoned in that very room, where my attack and the aftermath had pyramided to take on a life of it's own.


There are not any reasons which can properly give justification for the attack which had launched upon me.  There are no words to remove the experiences and the pains of which were placed upon me. There are no pictures which can depict the shame and feelings of defenselessness and self degradation of myself; nor the years of aftermath which had followed.


It is not my job to forgive, as I am sure that will be either dealt with within the soul of my attackers; which will have to be rectified and judged by their maker.  It really seems pointless for me to decide to forgive or not to forgive.  Not to mention, it is an added burden I wish not to bear.


However, one might decide is the role of forgiveness; it is my feeling that it is the hate and the rage and the self inflicted inadequacies that has to be addressed.  It is however my choice to work on redirecting that anger, that rage that mountain of other feelings towards not the people who committed a horrific onslaught of devastation upon my life, upon me, upon my past families; and try to fight towards placing those emotions towards a place that is manageable.  On the acts, the decisions, the bad choices; which were undertaken and acted upon by the people whom attacked me.


If ever comes a time, that my attackers are to come to read this; I want them to know something;
I am working hard to refuse to hate you.  It is a huge mountain I choose to climb; but it has to be conquered; that right now is my mission in life.  But I do want you to know that I will work towards placing more of those emotions towards your actions, your choices and towards the path and devastation you caused through those actions and choices; of which you beat me down with.


I will also extend this message to my attackers.  I wish you well.  I wish you well, because I have a feeling your creator, your God will carry all the weighted harm, and judge you himself.  that now is not my job, it is now between you and your God.  I am working on moving forward.

A Prisoner In The Room

I remember almost every intimate detail of the dormitory room, where I suffered a horrific beating and sexual assault.  The colt hard bricks which made up the walls. The steel door and doorway, which remained locked and closed during and after the attack, where no one came and sought out my presence.  The bar situated next to the door, the chairs which surrounded the bar, the wall unit which housed the bottles of alcohol, the carpet which adorned the floor, the chest of drawers which bordered the area between the bunked beds and the bar area. I remember the doorway to the shared shower; which was situated between two rooms, the tile flooring in the latrine (bathroom), the toilet and the small portal of a window to exhaust the steam of the shower and air the room.





I remember this room, because I have been imprisoned in this room, for over 33 years.  I fell out of the second story of the bunked beds, onto hard concrete non-padded carpet covered floor, after what seemed to be an eternity of laying in a pool of urine and blood; unable to move due to a horrific beating that took place, during the attack.  I remember crawling inch by inch, to the latrine; every inch of which was wracked with pain from what seemed to be every part of my body, not to mention the loss of breath after each out-reach of my arms and movement of my legs.


The room spun like I was on a merry-go-round, or was it my head swimming from all that had happened that particular weekend, while I tried to get to the Shower stall and gather up the steel wool and the scrub brush I wanted in the shower and later scrubbed my own body with to an unmentionable level of added pain and injury.




I recall every part of trying to get out of the shower, to dry off and start cleaning up the room.  On my stomach, I wiped down the walls, the dresser drawers and cabinets, pull down the bedding of both beds, to conceal the blood spatter.  I recall the tears I wept, which fell upon the flooring where I earlier had fallen, when I exited the bed for the first time.




All of this and more, I recall of the dormitory where I was housed at the time of my assault. Although I have been out of the military since 83, walked out on the streets of America, gone fishing and learned new things; I am constantly reminded of this room every time I peer into a mirror, or anything that allows the casting of a reflective image and my face is shown back to me.


Although I have been married twice, since my separation from the Air Force, I have not yet been able to leave the images, the smells, the odors, the coldness and harshness of that room.  Although I have been to achieve three (3) educational degrees, owned a thriving business which later was sold, I have basically been homeless, until just recently.  However, I have still been a prisoner of that room


No matter whom may have experience similar experiences, or to what degree they had experienced the act of Sexual Assault, male or female, these memories and the ways that their memories haunt their very existence to a point where they have basically have shut down, from time to time, it is no less traumatic, nor demeaning and degrading to each of the victims of Sexual Assault.


I know my experiences may not mirror exactly what someone else had suffered through.  Maybe theirs was worse or not so bad; either way it may have happened or came about it still is devastating to the person as a whole.  No matter the outcome of their lives, they are forever scarred and forever different from what they should or could have been had the circumstances not invaded their and my lives.


I like so many have yet to find help, for the issues that have come with my attack. I am partially to blame for my not getting the help I needed; but when the times came for me to seek assistance, I was shuffled around to a point whereby I was consistently asking myself if I would not be better off to quite and give up looking for help.  I have suffered with my victimization and my imprisonment in silence; afraid of what others would think of me, to find out I was a victim of such a crime.


I once did look for assistance back when I first came out of the military, and gave up on myself back then, because no one wanted to hear of such issues, being present within the military.  I once again after so long have came out to seek assistance, with no such aide to be had.  It is a shame, especially when three months after I did start my inquiry for assistance to escape my prison, the President of the United States and the Senate held hearings, and policy hearings were held and new procedures enacted to handle and address Sexual Assault victim's needs, nothing has so far been done on the Veteran's Level, to speak of.


I know I am not alone out here, going through this.  I know that my prison of 30 plus years, is not the only prison which is being inhabited by some victim, somewhere whom is going through the motions of living, while still residing within the walls of the place where their attack took place.  Some in Alley ways, some in dorm rooms, some in motels and some in Lord knows where.


Where ever you are, victims of Sexual Assault which derived from within the Military; I know you are out here and I know you are in pain.  Just know, you are not alone in your sufferance, and not alone in trying to get help to live a more quantitative, more meaningful life, while trying to escape your prison of memories and horrors.  I know I am not alone out here.


Bless all of you who have suffered at the hands of others. Bless all of you who have suffered in silence and most of all bless all of you who were veterans, like I am, who had others turn their backs on you when you ask for help.