For Families Of, Friends Of, Care-Givers Of, Suffers From PTSD Derrived From MST.

I often struggle with the events of my assault in ways that I can not even describe.  From Flashbacks, to Anxiety, Depression, to being disenfranchised from the human race, and let us not forget not feeling like anyone cares and that if they knew; they would treat you like you are infected with the plague; then laugh as they walk away.


Letting go of things, and  connections with people becomes easier as time passes; but on the back side, you long for personal connection with someone besides your service dog or service animal.  Even at times, my service dog gets on my nerves; even when I know he is ultimately here to help me survive daily events and set-backs.


Waking in the mornings, is a chore at best. The pain from the beatings I endured from my assault, plague me daily.  I can not sleep in an elevated bed; so I sleep at night on the floor; atop of a mat to cushion the hard cold floor.  So, when I get up I roll off the mat onto an often cold floor; racked with pain in my back, hips, shoulders, legs and neck.  Every morning is like waking up on a medieval rack, used to stretch out the human body to the point of being torn apart.


when I do wake up; I go into the Head (the restroom) and if I look into the mirror; I see a monster looking back at me; not the person who is supposed to be looking back at me.  You have heard the saying that waking up with that person in the morning, becomes ugly and un-kept and that ogre looking person stares back?  Well, imagine that along with the distorted look of a twisted and blurred out demon; staring at you from inside the mirror.


Now, even after seeking out and being in therapy for four months; my therapist says she is seeing progress.  I have to take her word for it, and keep struggling on until hopefully one day that monster and the pain will subside and the monster I see in the mornings; as well as the pain, will subside.


Trust!  Hmmm.  well, since I have not had a sense of trust or personal connection for over 30 years; Trust comes hard, very hard to say the least.  I mean I am just beginning to trust my therapist; Lord knows I put her through her paces.  The people she has placed on my side; well, I am starting to feel like because of my therapist; I am trying to trust but verify everything they are claiming to be doing on my behalf; but there are not one connection so far. (I am not one who relies on hope; but working on this one as well.)


Well, My therapist tells me that I need to fulfill my basic needs; which by the way are supposed to be basic needs of any healthy human being; I am being told.  you know; housing, security, companionship, and something else.  this list is short, but resides in something called "Maslins hierarchy of needs"   Since issues of these called needs; keeps rearing up into my therapy sessions and distracting from my recovery; my therapists decided that we need to stabilize my life.  Okay; let's give it a chance, and try to trust in the processes.


Well, I have been told that I have accomplished more in three or four weeks than most folks are able to do in one or two years.  with the help of my therapist and connections; we have started my claim process with the help of an attorney, to go after my VA benefits.  We have found a place for me to call home, we have secured other much needed assistance to help me maintain and to give me a stepping stone to move forward.


Now, I have found that even with all this going on; everyone around me is excited for me.  I should be as well.  I have a seemingly terrific support network with the agencies and the attorneys who are working with me to build and take control of my life; and lest me forget the most important of that network; my Therapist who has been awesome to say the least.  She has been my "Rock" when all the ground around me has seemingly been filled with quick-sand.  I also have to give special recognition to people who have unselfishly allowed me access to utilize them as a personal support network; who are friends from my childhood, whom have crossed paths with me from time to time up to this point in my life.  For them I am very Blessed.


A lot of the things I am in process of building the stepping stones, towards a productive and rewarding life; something I have never known.  A stable home, which I have not known in over 33 years; since my assault.  Everyone who knows what has been going on, in my life is excited and thrilled about what is going on, in my life and what I have accomplished thus far.   However, with all that has happened; I have learned not to trust in anything or any process or progression to last.  Therefore I do not and can not attach myself emotionally to anyone, or anything. This remains to this day; but I am trying to re-learn.  I am trying so hard, and often end up frustrated with myself.


The reasoning for my sharing of this is to show those who love people, whom have suffered with PTSD, and Chronically Severe PTSD from MST, can understand a bit more of what sufferers are going through.  To help you understand the processes of which suffers like me deal with daily, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, etc...  I think the point can be inferred here.


Now, the above is an actual account of what my life is like.  However, as a Family Member, Care Giver of, Friend of someone who is suffering from PTSD derived from MST, you might be able to better see where your loved one's mind may be resting or living.  This is meant to allow you a window of the daily turmoil that your loved one is going through.  Although their habits may be difficult, for you to deal with at times; please take a deep breathe and focus on the fact that what you are going through; is intensified over 100x's with the sufferer you love.


I hope at minimum, This gives you insight enough for you to appreciate the reasons for their sometimes and sometimes often sense of disconnect; lack of emotions, lack of trust, lack of personal connections, lack of appreciation for accomplishments they achieved.  It's not that they do not appreciate all that is given, or all that is shared, or all that is gained materially and gained ground in their lives.


I just want to give insight at what seemingly helps me the most, in my struggles.  It sometimes goes further than medications, and allows me to focus on what is "here and now." Which helps with the flashbacks and the anxieties.


This is a Biggie:   Just re-assure your loved one, that they are safe and away from the place where their trauma occurred.   Let them know you love and care about them, and do not come into direct contact with them; at the onset of any episode.


Let them know that no matter what they say; or how disorganized their ranting is; get them to slow their breathing and to focus on something in the room that allows them to see what is happening now.


Here is another Biggie!  Just listen and don't judge them for what may spew out; no matter how much it may lead them to say things that are attacking of you or others you care about; just realize they are venting and frustrated.  In most cases, what is flowing is not based on a personal attack upon you; but just something to get the flow of the venting stages towards getting the deeper issues out; so they can be processed.  In other words, go into this with "thick Skin" if possible and don't let their seemingly harsh attack; set you into a conflict of words based on your feeling like you have to protect yourself.


In the end; and with practice with both of you, a deeper bond will develop with you and your loved one who is suffering.


I hope this helps you, help your loved one; who suffers from PTSD and especially a PTSD sufferer from MST.


Be Blessed, I know I am. 

Remembering The Past

I am brought to a point where, A man who served his country, was revered.  Although I was raised through the Viet Nam Era, and served through the Post Viet Nam war era, I had served three years in the Air Force, during what was called "Post War" Vietnam Era.  I never say military action during the war in Vietnam.  I have however, conducted may interviews while in college, with War Time Vietnam Veterans, whom served in Country.


I recall tales, by Veterans whom served during the actual conflict, which was unjustly re-classified as a Policing Action, and not a war time consideration. (A travesty to say the least, as we lost a lot of good men and had many good people in the wake of injury; both mentally and physically.


Although I have served, in the era of the Vietnam conflict, I feel somewhat disgraced that I had not seen action, in what I consider to be amongst the most honorable of wars, conflicts and Policing actions, we as Americans have had the task of participating in.  I am often harboring a wealth of respect for those who had served during that conflict as well as the most recent conflicts in Afghanistan and in Iraq.


I also have been fighting another war, which was remnants of an action or series of actions, which had caused me to become disabled and functionally unable to pursue the career which helped me deal with the effects of my service to the United States, while in the Air Force.  Even if it was Peace-time, I feel like I have been fighting my battle for over 33 years, in silence and all alone.


Now, I am not going to go further into my service, my ailments, nor my woes alone; as the item of note, far extends beyond my needs, wants or situation alone.  However I will not a somewhat detailed summary of my situation, is documented in the archives of this blog; if you feel like taking some time to read the archived notes, and posts of my blog.


Recently, we have seen the Government show disgust in the Veteran's Administration of support, service and assistance, given to Veteran's of all Conflicts between the Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan conflicts.   Supposedly, the military and the Obama Cabinet, has been bragging about services supposedly now available to current Military Veterans, as well as Veterans of prior military actions.


Now, my interests lie within the walls and confines of Military Sexual Assault, Military Rape, which is going unpunished or inadequately researched and reported over the years.  My blog is not to ignore the impact on Female Victims of Sexual Assault/Rape; however since there is a huge disparity in reporting of rape and sexual misconduct with male victims, in relation to those claims by women of Sexual misconduct. 


I departed the military in 1983.  I returned home, under questionable circumstances, and when I arrived, I paid a visit to the Veteran's Administration Hospital in Long Beach, CA.  I became all to  familiar with the delays for help and treatment, which were much worse than those reports by the government would have most believe.


Since I returned and since my time in various states, through out the United States, I have heard horror stories of time delays and deaths due to the Veteran's Administration's unwillingness to complete and pursue medical attention to those who were among the walking dead.  (I refer to the Walking Dead, to note more that there are people who are left with scars of war and peace time violence, who are not getting the assistance; thus causing them to suffer silently.)


Today, I heard that a head Administrator for the Veteran's Administration Health Care system, had tendered his resignation, based on allegations that he did not do enough to correct problems within the Veterans Administration and their handling of Claims for medical assistance and disability.

Back in the early 80's, I attended College to try and make a life for myself; after being beaten up while in the service of my country.  I was seeking out a finance degree, which I finally completed back in the 90's...  I was told two things and found at least one, to be true.


1.  If you wish to become wealthy, open a Church.


2. If you wish to get help, stay away from the Governmental Agencies to get you there. (later to find that the person who shared this one with me, was a Vietnam Veteran.)


Now, in current news headlines, I am seeing a man being forced to retire and tender his resignation, based on the Veteran's Administration, lack of ability to hire, maintain and serve Veterans ailments and medical needs. 


I have to say, that although it does not surprise me that our Government is dragging their heels in getting the health care system with in the Veteran's Administration, where it should be and would be deemed as acceptable.  What bothers me, in all of this mess that the Government is sweeping the Veteran's Administrations lack of utilizing trained personnel, to administer aid, medical assistance and medical mental health assistance to Veteran's who served our country.


Now some time ago, I would say about six or eight months ago, the Government held hearings and later handed out directives that such services be available to all victims of military based crimes; which were committed against military personnel by Military Personnel, Rape/Sexual Assault, and war time injuries with more vigor.


The problem is, that since I can recall the norm is not a norm for sexual abuse/ or sexual assault victims, nor adequate medical or mental health for War-Time sufferers of PTSD, is not even adequate.  Let's look at untrained or inadequately trained personnel, trying to help PTSD and medically challenging injuries.


I think my knowledge, as it relates to War Time Veterans suffering from injury to both mental and physical aspects of their bodies;  The Veteran's Administration has at minimum, discounted the importance of time, when addressing an issue.    Time is not on the Veteran's side, when seeking out help for what ever the ailment they suffer from


Now, in current time, the United States Government is holding accountable, a man who served his country, who is by all of my research a model soldier, who has been put into place as Head Administrator of the Veteran's Administration, accountable for past results (or lack thereof), within the Veteran's Administration.


Now, it has been my experience, that in any Governmental Agency, in any branch of Governmental body, or agency over-seen by the Federal Government, changes come every four or six years.  Now, you may disagree, but normally during a change of administration of a given entity, it takes the first four years for the newly appointed administrator to get a glimpse and idea of what needs to and can be changed.  It takes approximately the fifth or sixth year to get new policy in force and about the next two years to get the new policy to start becoming effective.  Even under Congressional and Senate over-sight, this has been historically the pattern that is followed and plays out.


Now, I am not necessarily a supporter of the new Administrator of the Veteran's Administration.  However, he is being used as a "Scape-Goat" for all the prior failures of service, on hand in regards to the VA's Medical and Mental Health services.


As of this moment, there are no specialists or services, to address Male sexual assault, or Male Sexual Rape Victimization.   As of this moment, the services that are being offered is based on the norm of "Male on Female" Sexual Assault and Sexual Rape cases.  However, it has been noted by the VA themselves and male Victims, that the programs that are in tact for Male on Male Sexual Assault is the same as the Male on Female programs.


It must be noted, that although either sex victimization is very serious; Male Sexual Assault and Male on Male Sexual Rape, can be more devastating than a Rape of  a female victim.   I wish not to discount the effects upon any Female whom has suffered the trauma of Sexual Assualt/Rape.  Please do not believe that is my opinion.

However, in contrast to the Female Rape Victim, the Male victim has primarily Egoistical issues and Social Psychological issues that come into play.  Sexual Identity, Sexual Preference questioning, Self Doubts, Depression based on the prior issues, to include some added insult to the Rape or attack, that would be suffered by the female.  These issues are societies pressures that are applied to men, as the stronger sex; which has been in existence since the "Caveman Times."


However, if a man were to approach the Veteran's Administration, in effort to deal with the matters at hand, they are considered Weak, their attack is discounted and in some cases (as in mine) minimized by blame shifting, to include that the victim has for some reason, asked for such treatment by the attacker.  There is no "Due Process" in most cases, as most Sexual Assault Victims whom are male, often suffer in Silence.  I suffered in Silence for over 30 years.


Now, although this is not only on the sexual assault victim populace, but it also includes the medically needed services, needed by Veteran's of Foreign Wars, such as Vietnam, Iraq and also Afghanistan campaigns.


I am sure most have heard of the potential 40 plus Veterans whom died after being put off, by the Veteran's Administration, to schedule routine procedures.  Although horrific, the Veterans Administration and the Department of Defense has discounted the events, tremendously to mute bad publicity.


Every day, thousands of Veterans are scheduled out to over 30 days for basic services, on average.  The same procedures that are sought after by public health care providers, are mandated to be within a more reasonable time frame, via HEPA policies.  Why should the Veteran's Administrative health care system be held to a higher standard?  I affirm that my belief is that it, the Veterans Administration, should be held to a higher standard of care, than the public standards.


It is funny that in the Military Sector, Air Craft has multiple redundancies to ensure safe operation and safe return of Military personnel.  It is notable that Public transportation Air Traffic systems and requirements, have only two or less redundancies  for safety.   Why are the same number of redundancies in tact, for the Sufferers of War time Injuries and mental health concerns follow the same pattern of redundancy count?


Personally, I feel the resignation of the current Veteran's Administration's Chief, is no more than the President Obama denial of responsibility and putting the Administration's failures and short-comings, onto the back of a man who has served his post a limited amount of time, to save the political parties face, for the up-coming running for the Presidency, and due to Coward-ness on part of the President.

It's Not My Fault. The Attack Was At The Hands Of Others, But Also Is Recovery.

I don't know about being a good writer, nor being the next Hemmingway.  I just know I have a tale to tell. I am upset with the level of efficiency within the VA. and the folks who fail to perform their duties, and to fulfill their obligations to Veterans, who serve and protect our Citizens on a daily basis, or whom have served in that capacity. 

I am neither brave, nor am I courageous, in what I have been doing or in anything I have ever done in life.  I just don't want anyone to suffer the impact of being put in the situations I have been in... I don't want anyone to have to search out help, that is currently not available through the Veteran's Administration, nor do I wish to have anyone suffer the disappointments of being turned away from an agency that was designed to help Veterans, whom have served their country.

If you are trying to decide on whether or not to file a claim, through the Veteran's Administration, you are in fact heading down a long and arduous path.  Especially on a claim for PTSD and/or PTSD related to Military Sexual Assault.  here are some things you will want to have with you, when you begin your claim.

This information was found at the website located at:  

http://www.dav.org/learn-more/news/2014/military-sexual-trauma-claims-re-evaluated/

 The VA has also relaxed the evidentiary requirements necessary to validate a claim. Claims-rating specialists now look for “markers” that indicate a specified traumatic event. These can include:

• Records from law enforcement authorities, rape crisis centers, mental health counseling centers, hospitals or physicians
• Relationship issues, such as divorce
• Pregnancy tests or tests for sexually transmitted diseases
• Statements from family members, roommates, fellow service members, clergy members or counselors
• Requests for transfer to another military duty assignment
• Deterioration in work performance
• Substance abuse
• Episodes of depression, panic attacks or anxiety without an identifiable cause
• Unexplained economic or social behavioral changes
• Sexual  dysfunction.

Now, these are the basics of what I am hearing, that is required for a good chance of approval on your claim(s).. However, who knows how long or how much of a standard this will be and for how long it will or will not be the standard..  

According to the website, cited above, the Veterans Affairs is supposed to be relaxing the burden of proof, required to prove MST and related PSTD, suffered by Veterans.. However, the site suggests that reviews of previously declined claims, can be reviewed for approval, under the supposedly new guidelines.

A Friend of mine stated something to me, in passing, that I should submit a statement.  The fact is; is that the statement she suggested, was very true and a matter of fact.

"I have no issues with family members, as I have no family members."  This not only will work with Friends, as well as with family members.   It is funny, that only someone who has suffered as I have, by means of my own Assault, but also the PTSD which had been carried in silence for over 30 years.
 
Recently, however, I can start to say that is slowly changing into a more positive outlook.  Since my breaking my silence and seeking help, I have realized that connections with others are slowly coming about.   And I am beginning to be thankful for the issues, which come along with those connections.

Now, I know the Veteran's Affairs and Mental Health programs, not to forget the medical programs, are lacking to say the least.  However, if that is all you have; Utilize that and get your claims started.  Most importantly, get someone on your side and take a stand for what is rightfully yours;  Your Life and Happiness.

I am slowly coming to know that the attack that took so much from me, is and was not my fault.  There was nothing I could do, to prevent it or to thwart it.  It was in the hands of others, not mine.  Well surviving the attack also is in your hands, but will require a huge amount of assistance which is outside of your hands.                                                                                                                                                                                                             If you decide to go to the Veterans Administration for assistance, and I strongly suggest doing so, you will probably want to seek out a Veteran's Claims Specialist, through your local American Legion, or through the VA clinic's in your area.  They will be most valuable in packaging your claim, for submission, as they know the guidelines of what is expected through the VA claim processes.


It is neither my fault that the attack on my person occurred.  Nor was the attack within my hands.  It was at the hands of others whom I have no control over.  With that being said, I must also say that Recovery, or moving from victim to Survivor, is in your hands and others whom are being supportive in the right and proper manner and in the proper settings.


I pray for your recovery and for your finding your new life, being all you ever hoped for.  I also pray for your regaining your self-respect and self identity, which you can be proud of.


There is help out there for anyone whom can just swallow their pride, pull up their sleeves, and just muster the courage to ask for help..  Believe me, I never asked for help and always tried to tackle life on my own, with out ever knowing how to ask.  But when I did finally ask for help, I was surprised on who all came to my aide.


Good Luck and Bless..

Veteran's Administration, Disrespecting Our Veteran's and Thier Sacrifices.

There seems to be no shortage, of those Veterans, whom have died needlessly due to delays of the help, both medically and mentally.  All of us know that Veterans sacrifice their minds, bodies and souls while in service, of our country.  Even in non-combative eras, Our Veterans are separated from familiarity of family, friends, and still selflessly give their allegiance towards the safety, the soundness and the serenity, of all citizens of the United States; both abroad and here in the States.


I know that I do not have to point out, nor can I adequately cover the immenseness of sufferance, nor the depth of the services that our Veterans give; no matter which era, or what war they did or did not serve.  The fact that they downed the United States Military Uniform, should speak volumes about our Veterans, and the selfless efforts they have contributed towards the institution of Freedom, and the safety of our Country.


With all said, it is our duty; including the duty of our veterans, to be there for our Veterans whom are coming out from active service and to support the Veterans whom have been out, dealing with injury and hardships.   As a Veteran, I feel that all Current Veterans and all of the Veterans to come; are owed the dedication to our safety and our health; and yes the support from our Governmental Agencies.


Now, as it was back when I came from service of our great nation, the Governmental Agencies have been fast to turn Veterans away, or delay such services which were designed to assist Veterans with easier migration, back into society.  More specifically, the lack-luster way that the Veterans Administration has handled medical and mental health claims, has been nothing short of shameful and disrespectful to our Veterans and their families.


Last week, I believe, It was brought to light that 40 Veterans had lost their lives, due to delays in Medically needed services.  These same delays, will not surprisingly be rewarded by bonuses to the Veteran Administrative authority, within the facility and network management/Commanders.


IT is not uncommon for basic testing to take up to 5 or 6 months (if not longer), to find a diagnosis or to treat an already pre-existing condition.  It is not uncommon for disruption of services, to lower over-head and to accommodate lack of trained personnel availability issues.  By unjustifiably denying services, or delaying services, the Veteran Administration can then report less money being spent during a fiscal year reporting period.


Is one to believe that those deaths, in Phoenix, AZ. are an isolated issue.  I Submit that it is not even the tip of the proverbial ice-burg.  It may be that the matter occurred during a short period of time; and has been reported into the news agencies, to draw attention to the matter.  However, it is far from being the strange and uncommon facts of truth, that has existed for as long as I can recall; and probably since a lot farther back than that.


Yes, since the leak which was reported by a Veterans Affairs Service Worker, whom was assigned to that particular facility.  However, the matter extends beyond this one incident. It is an ongoing event that holds Veteran's lives, in the balance while the "Bean Counters" and Administrative bodies play a Sick game of Monopoly with our Veteran's and their families lives and safety.


They, whom ever "They are" decided that Senator McCain and other Governmental representatives, needed to make a public speech or two.  To discuss their distain. their dissention and their disgust at the matter.. 


Now, I have to put emphasis on the sentence just proceeding this note.


So, Senator McCain, who is a multiple time Veteran and POW, who supposedly is the outspoken spokesperson in the governmental body, for Veterans and for our Troops is speaking NOW on how amazed and upset he is at the matter that cost those 40 lives.   However, he has known of the Veteran's Administration's Medical and Mental Health shortcomings, since he came back from Viet Nam Campaigns of service, where he served our Nation.


Yes, I am picking on Senator McCain; and maybe it is unwarranted to some extent.  I know the matter at hand, goes beyond him and any one person; unless of course, you are the Commander of the individual Veterans Administration Medical/Mental Health facility who is getting a bonus for short falling services, to our Nation's Heroes.   (Let it be said, all whom have served, are Heroes.)


So, what is the solution?  I have not the answer. However, in the realm of helping all forms of aid to all Veterans, should see significant improvement.  I suppose that any sort of assistance, to anyone Veteran will be all too late coming and probably will be all to late to help those families whom have lost family members.   What Catches my eye, is that with this "Whistle-blower" coming forward and making such a "Stink" with the Media, it will probably only cause a "blip" on the radar in our Government no matter how many Senator John McCain's there are, who are all of the sudden willing to address the matter.

You Can Never Understand

I have been writing this blog, for over six months.  I have addressed some issues and the lacking nature of agencies, Rape Crisis Agencies, and our Government's lacking discipline to properly address the lack of training.  Lack of training, lack of asset allocations, lack of interests, while putting out the pretense that they  are trying to address Male MST/PTSD Veteran survivors.


I have taken most of my time addressing issues that I deal with on a daily basis, and things I am doing to find assistance for my Issues, concerning PTSD and the MST I suffered, during my Military Service.    I know that I have spent most of these six months addressing this aspect of my life, for a reason.


Now, you may not be an actual victim of Military Sexual Trauma, or suffering PTSD.  You see, it's not whether or not you actually have suffered the direct attack, or the direct impact of the trauma that someone else has suffered to be effected.  A loved one, a neighbor, a friend, a family member, who has suffered through these aspects of the trauma, needs to have others around them to ask questions, to identify cues and hints, to not just brush mild displays of depression, anxiety, anger, rage, or other mental issues, to lend a hand.


Reading through my blogs, of both present and past, can give you some sort of indications that someone is in need of help.  But just because they, themselves may claim they are fine, it can seriously rub off onto an innocent by-stander, who is close to the person, whom is suffering.  Reaching out for assistance, even for yourself, to empower yourself to cope with the stresses, can mean the differences between the longevity of any relationship.


Personally, I have suffered the losses of two marriages and the loss of family members, friends and missed opportunities, due to my own mental health issues and due to the fact that the Military and Veteran's Administration had and has turned their backs on me.  I hid all of the issues by pushing the ones closest to me away. withholding emotions and trust and even commitment, all in the name of my injuries and the sufferance's of my Sexual Assault, and the beatings I endured.


Reaching out, is not something to be ashamed of.  Realizing that you need help finding yourself, or helping someone find themselves, through therapy of some sort, may not be welcomed at first.  However, after the initial shock of admitting there is a problem and seeking out help for yourself or a loved one, the rewards are tremendous.


I used to push help away in several ways, but mostly by becoming very defensive towards anyone who asserted my need for help.  I had the attitude that if no one had suffered what I had, they would not ever be able to understand.  If someone could not understand, how can they help me?  I personally am in the process of realizing that the person who is helping you, does not have to understand, to be of assistance to you, or your loved one.  It is the other person who can help you, or your loved one whom is suffering, understand the issue enough to file away the matter.  By properly addressing the issues at hand, the sufferer is capable to move past the individual sticking points of the trauma (s), and the attack itself.


As features come available to me, through my own journey  into understanding my pain and the various facets of my traumas, I will share the progress and the set backs.  I will be trying to integrate the short comings and the progress professionals are taking, to address Our issues.  I will try to share with you, both good and bad points, as I see them, and let you decide your own points of interest.


But the main thing of all this, is that if you have a friend, a neighbor, a family member or other loved one is suffering in silence; help them help themselves without becoming consumed into the trauma yourself.( IF possible.)   Looking back on my past, I see where my wife (wives), have suffered as I did and am.  I was so caught up in hiding my pain, that I failed to recognize their pain and therefore brought relationships to their ends.


So, from this point I am working towards doing more research on my posts, towards education of both my readership and myself, on the progress of our military, our Government, and the Veterans Administration, in preparing their staff towards addressing and properly treating the needs of our veterans.  From time to time, I will also be looking at civilian efforts in addressing male sexual assault, as well.


If you wish to contact me, or reach out to me, please leave a comment asking for me to contact you.  IF you are a someone who is looking for help, you can reach out to me, and I will try and assist you in finding help, as best as I can.  IF you have questions, please reach out to me and I will try  to answer your concerns.  However, if you are questioning my qualification, or my being capable of understanding, please take time to read previous posts of mine, and then make a decision.  But in either case, please reach out to someone.  DON"T SUFFER IN SILENCE.

A Glmpse Into What Could Be

You know I have struggled on what to write on today's blog post.  I have ranted and vented and informed the readers on my attack, the events and feelings I have struggled with over the last 30 plus years.  As I have lived in silence, and as I have stated in previous posts, lived in a self made prison of emotions, anger, rage and the wish that the people who took part in my Sexual assault, while I was in the Military, I also have let life pass me by.  Well Today, I am going to discuss something that happened to me, just this weekend; because of what I posted about last week.  Letting go.






I have accepted what has  occurred to me, and have found an avenue of helping me live past the aftermath of my Attack.  After 30 plus years of sufferance, after two marriages and losing my family and friends, after losing everything I owned, multiple times;  I became weary of losing and of losses I could not control.  I went past the Veteran's Administration, whom by the way has been ineffective in assisting me, and hired a private Therapist.  (I want to mention, she has been fantastic in her efforts.)






The point is; I reached out and realized I needed help!  I did not stop at finding an outlet. On the verge of giving up on life, and already given up on all hope, reaching out has been invaluable to finding out that there is no need to give up, when there are folks out there who are willing to step beyond themselves, and stretch out their talents beyond their "Norm" to reach out a hand to you..






The messages which lay within the lines of this post, is that no one knows you need help, unless you tell them and put aside your pride. Just search and reach out to find someone who will listen and lend a hand.  Ever since the day of my Sexual Assault, I found out real quick that asking for help was pointless, therefore I gave up on asking for help in every aspect of my life.  As an assault victim, especially a Sexual Assault Victim, you find out real quick that no one wants to hear the realities of being in that position. No one wants their lives tainted, and pretty soon you begin feeling that there is no point in asking.






Putting your head down and dredging through the pain, building up the defenses, suffering when no one is looking, is the new "Norm" of life you will come to, or have come., to know.   So, you construct a "game face" and live your life behind that mask while in public; not letting anyone close to you see the real you.  The draw back to doing this over time, is that you not only start hiding from those close to you, you also lose your own self identity.  Over time you lose everything; including yourself.




Well, through the help of my therapist I was given a chance to get "a glimpse into what could be."
By this, It was mildly suggested that I venture out to experience something I have never experience before.  No, not anything dangerous, nothing self revealing, nothing which on it's surface would be seen as putting anyone at risk at all.  But for me, it was something that made me face a long laid fear, along  sense of anxiety, and not only had me reliant on one big feature, which my Attack had taken away, It made me put trust in both my therapist and the person I was now asking to help me, face these fears and anxieties.   (By the way, the second person involved was never before known by myself.)  In the onset, I had to place trust and faith in my therapist, that she would not place me in any sort of danger, or in a compromising position. (A difficult leap of faith, To say the least.)


Well, as things would happen, it turned out to not only a means to face many anxieties, and my fears, it actually ended up opening up many more things that I had never before experienced, on the positive side.  After my adventure, I took the rest of the evening and explored a place and experience, I had once enjoyed, prior to my entering the Military and thus prior to my Sexual Assault...


It took a place, that I had visited over a million times; and turned it into a new adventure of and into itself.  You see, for a little while I saw this familiar place through a different set of eyes.  I saw the people in a different light and was actually light hearted. (something I had not experienced in over the 33 years of being a victim.)  The relaxed nature with no pretense, with no obligation to hide, with no inhabitations, and with the sole intention of being there for ME, changed my view of hope which I had never before seen it.

After walking the pier and the beaches of Huntington Beach, CA. I went to a sidewalk café/ bar and grill and had what seemed to be the best dinner, I had experienced in as long back as I could recall. I had a half glass of beer to wash dinner down.  It seemed that the food amazingly tasted better, People gathered around me, as I was joking and laughing, light heartedly, with both patrons and the waitresses and staff of the establishment.  I even experienced a spontaneous request from a person whom asked to join me, at my table.  The reason for me to share this, is because for the first time, in what seems like forever, I felt like I was someone who was likeable, who was engaging, who was worth something aside of being referred as a monster, or someone everyone was fighting to get away from.


I had experienced a new set of experiences, that I had never before allowed myself to experience, because of self constructed walls and barriers. I was able for some reason to experience this without the heavy heart, the heavy load of my past.. In fact, there was no discussions of my past and for a while, my past or anyone else's past never came up or into question.  It was just a bunch of folks enjoying a hearty laugh, and a memorable memory.  This normally would have been an experience I would have had avoided at all costs.


I know you probably are thinking something along the lines of  "Well, good for you!"  I understand why you would say this, or something like this.  But by saying or taking that position, you are also taking away from yourself if you are someone who had been Raped, Sexually Assaulted, Attacked, Mugged or suffered any other type of trauma; and refused to reach out for help in dealing with it, or for trying to seek a way to self-rediscovery.


I hope that my Glimpse into what could be, and the fact that I realized that I had lost so much.  I want to encourage you to  take a pro-active approach towards getting help and working through the ghosts, monsters and even demons, which were saddled along with the identity of being a victim.  


In the limited time, I have utilized the aide of a therapist; I have learned and discovered so much about myself and my life.  I do honestly know it is only the beginning. However, even through the hard road ahead, I look a little more forward than I had previous to this weekends events.  I could not have done this, without asking for help and being encouraged by a long time friend, to seek out local assistance and therapy.


Bottom line:  IF you know someone, or are someone who has been suffering in silence (as I did) for any length of time, Get that someone the help, or get to someone who can help them; help themselves.  If you are a Veteran of the Military, who has suffered at the hands of your comrades, who you trusted and put your faith in; go to the Veteran's Administration and ask for help.  The point is: Get help, it will serve you well.


Good luck on your journey.

There Are No Pictures, No Words, No Reasons

There is always, and has always seemingly been a quest for a picture of Justice.  Justice for the Attack I suffered while In the Military. Since It has been such a lapse of time, between this moment and the time of my being victimized; the only justice shall only come from the judgment upon the four individuals, which shall come in their passing into the hands of their Lord, their creator, their Idol of warship.


My attack left a shambles and fragments of a life, to fend for itself and to try to flourish into what and who and what I have become today, in this moment.  Still fragmented, still experiencing all the hurt and all the hate and rage.  Still filled with doubts and always questioning my every day of existence.


Shifting Anger among each of my attackers, at myself.  Shifting Blame between what was unnamed and unidentified attackers, and myself kept me at bay from going forward.  Searching for the answers, has only thus far only left me with more questions.  30 plus years, of sufferance kept in silence with no words to express the darkness, the loneliness, the isolation.


As I left the military, I was jailed within the walls of my living quarters, to which I was assigned during my service to my country, at the base I was also assigned.  For over 30 years, I lived in a prison of the past and went into search of a way to escape that prison of brick walls, hard concrete slab floors covered with a blue and green colored carpet.  I sought out answers and the key to remove myself with the Veteran's Administration, and as previous posts suggested was left to fend for myself and to begin a life of isolation.


Finally, I found some glimmer of hope with a private source to begin my path to healing.  After 33 years of sufferance, I am now only just beginning a road to hopefully beginning to find answers and hope for some form of a productive future.  Recovery,


Anger and Rage, Hate are all too powerful of not only words; but also actual emotions can lead to some pretty solid and tangible effects on one's life.  These have guided me down paths that are not productive for my life, for which has been a part of all the limitations I have placed upon my life's path to move forward.  


Although, I must admit it is a struggle to put these emotions into a proper order; I realized that doing so is a must for me to make more productive and progressive advances, in working past my past experiences and trauma.  You see,  This last week I realized a lesson I learned when I was younger.  A very difficult lesson in morality, and in reality which I had held onto all of my life and has guided me into being able to keep fighting.


You see, I finally realized something after a session past, which has been with me all along.  I was taught that judging another is of no consequence, as is hating and holding onto anger and rage.  A revelation was made clear to me, in the referenced session, which led me to see that all these years; the anger, rage and Hate being placed upon my attackers; has potentially kept me imprisoned in that very room, where my attack and the aftermath had pyramided to take on a life of it's own.


There are not any reasons which can properly give justification for the attack which had launched upon me.  There are no words to remove the experiences and the pains of which were placed upon me. There are no pictures which can depict the shame and feelings of defenselessness and self degradation of myself; nor the years of aftermath which had followed.


It is not my job to forgive, as I am sure that will be either dealt with within the soul of my attackers; which will have to be rectified and judged by their maker.  It really seems pointless for me to decide to forgive or not to forgive.  Not to mention, it is an added burden I wish not to bear.


However, one might decide is the role of forgiveness; it is my feeling that it is the hate and the rage and the self inflicted inadequacies that has to be addressed.  It is however my choice to work on redirecting that anger, that rage that mountain of other feelings towards not the people who committed a horrific onslaught of devastation upon my life, upon me, upon my past families; and try to fight towards placing those emotions towards a place that is manageable.  On the acts, the decisions, the bad choices; which were undertaken and acted upon by the people whom attacked me.


If ever comes a time, that my attackers are to come to read this; I want them to know something;
I am working hard to refuse to hate you.  It is a huge mountain I choose to climb; but it has to be conquered; that right now is my mission in life.  But I do want you to know that I will work towards placing more of those emotions towards your actions, your choices and towards the path and devastation you caused through those actions and choices; of which you beat me down with.


I will also extend this message to my attackers.  I wish you well.  I wish you well, because I have a feeling your creator, your God will carry all the weighted harm, and judge you himself.  that now is not my job, it is now between you and your God.  I am working on moving forward.