They say that "No Man Is An Island." I wonder sometimes if that is not an untruth, of a statement.
You see, I have been writing blogs about my experiences, with no responses from but one person. I am truly grateful for that one response. However, it seems that I am on an island, by myself; Isolated and alone.
I have been told that due to my experiences, I am self feeding a sense of "Hopelessness," and yet, although I know there are others out there, whom have had similar events happen to them; they too reside in a sense of hopelessness, depression, and Isolation. I suppose that is what God wished for us, to live in hope that there are others to connect with; only to find that they are timid, untrusting, and unable to come to grips that they are not alone. In effect, those feelings are leaving all of us; "Alone" and "Isolated."
Tonight, I reflect on the journey I undertook, to find peace with myself and my past experiences; both self inflicted, and inflicted upon me by others. Not really feeling like I am beating myself up, over either; but just sitting in where I find myself today; and where I have came from after my assault.
It's been a very treacherous road, to say the least.
I have found out how to reach out, and to find some glimmer of "hope", from time to time; peaking out from behind a dark veil, of past memories and lack of trust I once had, that now is beginning to lose some grip over me.
However, I still feel like a stranded traveler. A marooned passenger, left here by a sinking ship, called "life." I can see ships passing in the darkness of the night, with passengers waving at me; but the ship still goes about it's route; leaving me behind to fen d for myself and not to allow others to get too close.
I know for those whom have suffered any of what I have, to any degree, you are feeling the same way. I know that, because I suffered in silence for over 30 plus years; by myself. When someone would try to look in, I would go on the defensive and lash out or run all together to separate myself.
You will never know my reality, nor my pain; as I will never know yours. (nor will I pretend to know.) But I am here to share with you that although the memories of my attack haunts me still; even after finally opening up to a professional therapist. (A wonderful Therapist and a wonderful friend, whom is also a therapist and a wonderful friend.)
I have fought to trust, in the network I have built; and with the help of my friend, (whom doesn't speak to me anymore,) I have started down a rocky road of finding trust in others again; to the extent I have never known. In that trust, I have found that there is moments of a "shinning light," I am being told is trust and hope. But, I had to do something that I never thought I could do; That one thing, opened my eyes, and my heart a little, as well as the biggest of it all; I asked for "Help." and did not stop until I found it.
You know, I am not only encouraged to keep writing my blog for male victims of PTSD, derived from MST; but also now I am speaking to all whom have experienced the horrors of MST, men and women alike. Despite my original goal; I know through my therapy that all victims, whom have not found a way to become a "Survivor", has suffered injustice and some deep violation of not just their person; but also their soul in a most horrific of ways.
Through my ignorance, and selfishness, I was upset that so much attention has been given to Women who had been victimized; that men were not being given equal billing; in Society. However true that may be, We who have been assaulted, in the manner which we were; all have their own views of their sufferance's and their losses. I am not in a position to rob anyone of their claim to what is rightfully theirs; Their peace of mind, their peace of heart, their peace of life that can not longer be violated and torn away; without their approval.
I still struggle, and I still feel alone. But because I had an old friend who cared; I found the strength through her, to reach out and find a new friend whom is holding me up when I feel like falling down; who watches my back, when I feel like the world is sneaking up on me; who waves to my island as she passes by and assures me that I will one day come home, away from that Island of being a Victim.
Be strong, not stubborn. Be optimistically available, and yet be vigilant and let someone know; you need help. Especially, if you have not done so yet. You will go through a rough path, at first; but it will be well worth the journey. Come join me in finding recovery and healing, for all of us.
Take Care and Bless
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Hello Again, and thank you for joining me in today's post. I hope that all is well with you and the family.
I am wishing to share some things that I am learning, to help me recover from and to deal with the stresses and issues associated with my PTSD and MST recovery. I am in hopes that my story, and previous blog posts, are helpful for you; as well as informative; towards you or your family member getting help from a professional source, to deal with PTSD, and especially MST issues.
I am learning so very much, in regards to myself and my life, since finding my mental health professional. In fact, she recently gave an opportunity to give back and to "Pay It Forward."
I am honored that she has given me the opportunity and that I am here to accept the project. As a result, I am learning so much about myself and how to deal with the mal-adjusted ways I have coped with my issues; which stem from my Assault and the nightmare that encompassed the Attack upon me.
You see, when I first found my therapist; I was abusive to her sense of boundaries and not realizing it; I violated any normal senses of inter-personal boundaries that are held highly by others. I did this, not even realizing what I was doing, and how it might have effected her as well as punishing myself in the process.
She demanded I purchase a book called "Boundaries"; but I never took it seriously and I honestly could not afford to purchase this book; as I live on a very limited income and most of my funds are dedicated to basic living expenses. Well, as time went on, she held me to consequences of my choices, no matter the motivation of my choices; she had to establish ground rules of contact and enforce them with some heft costs for violation.
I would like to say that the actions I took, and the frequency of my contact with her out of disparity was excessive and was becoming very demanding; on my part. When she would bring the matter up, to establish a clear boundary, of which we could work mutually and productively, she had to make some of the choices I made to be costly and with some pretty severe consequences, which I will not go into here.
Recently, due to my situation, my therapist gave me an opportunity to do a project with her; that I jumped at with no reservation. She said it would benefit other clients of hers, whom were not described with any one sort of condition, but in a general setting.
Anyways, upon her purchasing Boundaries for me, to complete her project, I took it and had to read the pages within the cover. The things I found in that book, was so familiar and so revealing to me; as it pertained to my responses to the various emotional and rational lines, which were being crossed, due to the level of the PTSD I was suffering with. The words on the pages, brought to life a realization of my lack of proper boundaries; which were both derived from my childhood as well as the assault.
From the date of my assault/attack, I have been always resentful of those whom I tried to let close; as it felt at times they were using my willingness to pacify them and to perform at their requests; only to be personally disappointed at their lack of appreciation of my limitations. I know that those people did not have any idea of my situation, in it's entirety, nor could they appreciate the impact upon me and my situations, but the ultimate responsibilities I had to myself was defiantly being ignored; by myself.
I was told that being a victim, does not have to define who I am. And reading some of the materials that were suggested to me by my therapist, has showed me that I could be able to move on to becoming a survivor, and not merely a victim. But none of the resources, she has put into my hands, Boundaries seems to be the most substantive in making me realize that I have control; And it's my job and right to exercise that control, instead of giving control over me to others and later becoming resentful of my situation.
Now, yes I have been pushing the topic of this book. I will let you know, that all of the textual content is Christian based, and seemingly very relevant to a Christian or Christian based living, and is backed with references to scriptural insight. Unlike most of the other resources, I found that I related more with the textual contents of this book, and to the examples of writings.
I personally think that almost any sufferer of any trauma, who is diagnosed or not diagnosed with PTSD, will find very relevant information within the pages of this book. I would not have ever imagined that one single book, or writing could impact my efforts towards recovery, as much as this one has.
I will say this much; If I did not believe in its ability to be of help to not only your recover, but to dealing with family and other future relationships; as a PTSD sufferer, I would not have dedicated an entire posting on my blog for it. Just take the time to click on the highlighted portions of the text, and you will be directed to Amazon, to view the book.. I urge you to not only purchase the book, tonight, but to also purchase and share it with your spouse or significant other. IT has the potential to help you and your family, in improving your relationship and how you deal with them.
Have a Good Evening; and I hope if you can trust in my recommendation, that you will view the book and hopefully decide to spend the little bit of money, to purchase it. I believe with all my heart, it will bring some very startling revelations to you and anyone else who might read it.
Take Care and Be Blessed