Sunday, January 12, 2014

A Month's Journey In Hell

Today's blog post is not an unusual one, from the other posts which have been placed here.  No, In fact, it's one which runs right in line of showing how the Veteran's Administration has turned it's back on men who have been Sexually assaulted, or claimed to have been sexually assaulted in the Military.

You see, I understand that our Commander In Chief, President Obama, has claimed to have climbed in on the band-wagon of providing services for Veterans who have been sexually assaulted, while serving in the military.  However, his public vocalization of the matter has not provided any improvement of services.  In kind, the Congressional actions along with the Senate's actions towards addressing the matter, has not helped much either.  AT least in the recent past to the present.  It seems that their attempts to enact policies which is supposed to allow for better addressing the issues, has not yet reached the Veteran's Administration's offices or clinics.

I have been asking for assistance for over four (4) months, and have yet to set in a session with my assigned Counselor, at my assigned Clinic, in Corona, California.  However, the only contact I have received bills for medications, which I do not take.  When I address this with my supposed Doctor, she tries to push me towards the main Facility at Loma Linda, CA.  I do not wish to go to this facility, due to the fact that all they seem to wish to do is medicate.

Well, this last two months I have had several episodes of a whole variety of PTSD related attacks.  Depression, Anxiety, and Anger, Confusion, disorientation, forgetfulness and also have placed myself in dangerous situations.  All my calls to the clinic to plead to the Counselor, had fallen on "Deaf Ears" and in fact on one occasion I had the person on the phone, hang up on me; leaving me to call the crisis hot line.

I moved to a new location/residence on one occasion, which allowed me to change a previous negative situation.  On first glances and impressions, it appeared to be a good move towards starting out on a new chapter in my life.  This was supposed to have allowed me to gain more independence, more freedom which my previous living situation did not allow.  It also allowed me to start rebuilding my life and start seeking expansions of my "horizons," in an effort to find and to regain my identity and break negative cycles which were taking me nowhere.

On December 1st, I made the move, which would prove to be not only dangerous emotionally, but potentially would have led to a break, which most probably would have led to me harming someone; whom was innocent, due to their pushing buttons, which I now realize were not only emotional buttons, but were "Triggers" for my PTSD and Anger issues.  Luckily, I realized what was going on, and removed myself from the situation.  I will not go without mentioning that I had to call the Police to assist in my removal, away from the situation.  In this situation, when I moved away from the home, I placed myself in, I also walked away from a stable job as the issues that this family brought into my life, was being brought to my work by one of my new room-mates, which upped the ante of risks.

I was forced back to my previously negative and emotionally abusive environment, to regroup and organize my life and I had to do so at this point, without a job.  Why did I walk away from a stable job, that I was comfortable in?  To cut off access to me, by the family I left behind with which I had moved in with.

After about two days of being in an emotional heap, and basically a shell of a human that had no where to go, except an offer of moving across the country to a secured home, I was emotionally bouncing off of the walls, pacing at all hours of the night; restless nights sleep leaving me exhausted and not able to think clearly, or remembering much of anything.

Well, Luckily, I made a few phone calls and from a former employer I was able to secure a place of employment doing what I enjoyed doing with people who have always been there be supportive of me since my return from the Air Force, back in 1983.    However, the offer of a job did not come without stipulations and conditions.  One of which I figured was most positive for me; I had to move closer to their facility to allow me to be readily accessible to the company, when needed.

After searching, I found what I thought was a stable place to move, which was alignment with the conditions of my new employer.  On one Saturday, I moved in and stayed my first night; which came to be an emotional nightmare.  A female roommate, who also is a veteran,  and whom I later found out was suffering from PTSD from war action over in Iraq.  She had locked herself into her room and was screaming, hitting walls, talking incoherently  and I could not figure out what the problems was.. AT first, I thought that she was being taken care of by the person who rented me a room.

The Female locked herself in the room, was later revealed to me that she was in Iraq and was taking medications prescribed by the V.A.,  for PTSD and never before displayed erratic behaviors before.   The next day, The girl still did not come out of the room.. It had been over 34 hours since I had moved in and this girl had not even come out to use the bathroom to relieve herself, or to wash or get anything to drink..  when we called the paramedics and had her taken to get help, she was near death in appearance.

Upon the departure of the events that had evolved over the weekend, and 36 hours after I moved in, the "real" landlord came over and told us that we were being evicted, due to the disturbances of the sick Veteran.  That night, on Sunday, after laying down for a nap to regenerate myself of the emotional roller coaster I was on.  Waking up, I found my self in an all but completely empty house.  The person who rented the room to me, had moved her stuff out and left me an envelope with only small portion of the rents I paid, which made finding a new place all but nearly impossible due to finances being taken away from me.  I was back on the "roller coaster" ride, I tried to sleep through earlier, to add to the ride, I had only three days to relocate myself which was given to me by the actual owner of the home.

At one point during my adventure, which spanned for over a month now; I was on the V.A.'s Crisis Hot line.  That point came after I spent almost two hours of scrubbing myself in the shower, as I did directly after my Sexual Assault, in the Air Force 31 years ago.  Going through "Flashbacks", Chills, Anger, depressional Negotiations, Denial, Disorientation and I had seemingly lost track of time; which put me dangerously close to the time I had to report to work at my new job.  Thank goodness for administrative processes, which kept me moving from agency to agency to get job clearances from other agencies; and not out trying to hoist large pieces of equipment.

I am happy to state that out of the "Blue Sky," I was reached out to by a recently discharged Army Vet, who listened to my woes and assisted me in a place to stay, with a possibility of a long term living arrangement, in the near future.  I am also happy to say that my finances luckily turned around and that too is on the road to improvement.

The reasons that I am sharing this part of my life with you is to share not my adventure, so much as it is to show the relationship between the events and episodes I go through on an ongoing basis.  IT is also being shared to show how inadequately the Veteran's Administration is addressing issues of PTSD, as it relates to PTSD itself and PTSD related to Sexual Trauma; more specifically PTSD with Male Sexual Trauma issues.

I am not whining about my situation, as much as trying to reach an understanding of what is happening with myself, and with others whom have suffered this sort of emotional issues, related to PTSD and Sexual Trauma; both male and female in trying to find assistance which they are entitled to, from the Veteran's Administration.  I am also sharing this, to document my  adventures for future references to allow those with the Veteran's Administration to view, and have active documentation of my journey in life.

More importantly, I am sharing this journey for those whom are suffering to be able to reach out to me, or someone else in effort to gain the help they need.  Additionally,  I want those who have been Sexually Assaulted (especially male victims), to know they are not alone and that their are others who understand and have gone through what they have gone through; and who do understand.

You can reach me at:  Please feel free to reach out, if  you wish.  OR you can just leave a comment or join my mailing list by filling out the form on this blog page.  I believe with a mass voice, they might listen and get us all the assistance we all need and are seeking to deal with our issues, concerning getting the Veteran's Administration's attention and assistance; so we can work towards a better quality of life.

Take care and Bless.