They say that "No Man Is An Island." I wonder sometimes if that is not an untruth, of a statement.
You see, I have been writing blogs about my experiences, with no responses from but one person. I am truly grateful for that one response. However, it seems that I am on an island, by myself; Isolated and alone.
I have been told that due to my experiences, I am self feeding a sense of "Hopelessness," and yet, although I know there are others out there, whom have had similar events happen to them; they too reside in a sense of hopelessness, depression, and Isolation. I suppose that is what God wished for us, to live in hope that there are others to connect with; only to find that they are timid, untrusting, and unable to come to grips that they are not alone. In effect, those feelings are leaving all of us; "Alone" and "Isolated."
Tonight, I reflect on the journey I undertook, to find peace with myself and my past experiences; both self inflicted, and inflicted upon me by others. Not really feeling like I am beating myself up, over either; but just sitting in where I find myself today; and where I have came from after my assault.
It's been a very treacherous road, to say the least.
I have found out how to reach out, and to find some glimmer of "hope", from time to time; peaking out from behind a dark veil, of past memories and lack of trust I once had, that now is beginning to lose some grip over me.
However, I still feel like a stranded traveler. A marooned passenger, left here by a sinking ship, called "life." I can see ships passing in the darkness of the night, with passengers waving at me; but the ship still goes about it's route; leaving me behind to fen d for myself and not to allow others to get too close.
I know for those whom have suffered any of what I have, to any degree, you are feeling the same way. I know that, because I suffered in silence for over 30 plus years; by myself. When someone would try to look in, I would go on the defensive and lash out or run all together to separate myself.
You will never know my reality, nor my pain; as I will never know yours. (nor will I pretend to know.) But I am here to share with you that although the memories of my attack haunts me still; even after finally opening up to a professional therapist. (A wonderful Therapist and a wonderful friend, whom is also a therapist and a wonderful friend.)
I have fought to trust, in the network I have built; and with the help of my friend, (whom doesn't speak to me anymore,) I have started down a rocky road of finding trust in others again; to the extent I have never known. In that trust, I have found that there is moments of a "shinning light," I am being told is trust and hope. But, I had to do something that I never thought I could do; That one thing, opened my eyes, and my heart a little, as well as the biggest of it all; I asked for "Help." and did not stop until I found it.
You know, I am not only encouraged to keep writing my blog for male victims of PTSD, derived from MST; but also now I am speaking to all whom have experienced the horrors of MST, men and women alike. Despite my original goal; I know through my therapy that all victims, whom have not found a way to become a "Survivor", has suffered injustice and some deep violation of not just their person; but also their soul in a most horrific of ways.
Through my ignorance, and selfishness, I was upset that so much attention has been given to Women who had been victimized; that men were not being given equal billing; in Society. However true that may be, We who have been assaulted, in the manner which we were; all have their own views of their sufferance's and their losses. I am not in a position to rob anyone of their claim to what is rightfully theirs; Their peace of mind, their peace of heart, their peace of life that can not longer be violated and torn away; without their approval.
I still struggle, and I still feel alone. But because I had an old friend who cared; I found the strength through her, to reach out and find a new friend whom is holding me up when I feel like falling down; who watches my back, when I feel like the world is sneaking up on me; who waves to my island as she passes by and assures me that I will one day come home, away from that Island of being a Victim.
Be strong, not stubborn. Be optimistically available, and yet be vigilant and let someone know; you need help. Especially, if you have not done so yet. You will go through a rough path, at first; but it will be well worth the journey. Come join me in finding recovery and healing, for all of us.
Take Care and Bless