Saturday, September 6, 2014

Who Am I? Why Should I See Justice? Why Have I Worn A Mask for So Long? (Part 2)

In part one, I merely laid down a foundation for this part; and hopefully I can look more deeply into the actual theme of these posts.

For Male Sexual Assault Victims, Justice is rarely seen in the proper sense, as it is compared with those sexual assaults, which occur to females.  There have been protections in place, for so long, which are designed to protect women.  Much like the programs which are, and have been put into place, for Women.   There are very few equalities for men, as it relates to Domestic violence, rape or sexual assault.

Not only mentioning the legal aspects and the aspect of public and society views, male programs are minimal at best, for Male Rape/Sexual Assault Victims.  The reasoning behind this, is merely too complex to really cover here, but it might be at least on a minor scale, there are no male shelters for battered male victims,  there are no or limited shelters or programs that deal with Male Sexual Assault or Rape.   Mainly the cause of these widely gapped programs, is because as a male; we are not supposed to be able to be put in such a place where we could be placed at risk.  To further this, as males, we are supposed to be the protectors, not the victims of such matters or attacks.

Society has placed such a image upon the Men in our society; that there is too much pressure being socially applied against the male, to acknowledge that they have been sexually victimized by another male, or even a female.  Much like the domestic violence offender, is perceived that a small and slight woman, could never assault and harm a fully developed and grown male.  Although things are changing, when it comes to domestic violence, both Rape/Sexual Assault against males and domestic violence against the male in a household is at least embarrassing, demoralizing, and deemed as weak and shameful for the male victims of these crimes.

My seeing Justice, in my case of Sexual Assault and gang rape, plus the level of violence which was perpetrated against me, mainly due to statute of limitations.  The next reason, I will never see justice, is because the main players are long out of reach and some of the people whom are accessory to the crimes against me, are deceased.. Bless their little black hearts.~!!!!!

So, because of the threats I received from my superiors (The Accessory's to the crimes against me), who forced, limited, and threatened me to seek justice for myself; not to mention the shame, the embarrassment, the stigma society placed upon such victims back in the day, was too much to allow me to pursue seeking justice, when the incident occurred.  We can also throw in the fact I was only about 20 years old and na├»ve about how the laws and the ability of threats to be carried out.

So, for me, justice is not an option.  Instead, I have to be satisfied with just seeking validation for what happened to me, through my filing of a claim against the Veteran's Administration, and hoping that the powers that be, agree that something devastating occurred; without having to actually admit that I was in raped, and assaulted brutally.

Now I can not speak for other Victims/Survivors of Male Sexual Assault, I can speak for myself with the assumptions I have, based on my experiences.  

As a PTSD Sufferer, and a Male Rape Victim the needing of "wearing a mask" was a natural step for my protecting myself. Not knowing who I could trust, not willing to trust, the embarrassment, the pain, the shame (and the list goes on), was some of the reasons I remained in silence. I imagined that if I had let anyone know of what I had gone through, I would be ostracized as a male; I would and was minimized, I would always be perceived as a victim who was available for repeated victimization, by those whom would come to know.

In the previous post, with the same name, I put out a scenario where just the mere mention of my being a PTSD sufferer, brought about attitudes which were counter-productive, through the ignorance of my boss; as to the fact that having PTSD, was no reason for me to act in ways I had been acting; and his view of PTSD not being a disability.  This has made life at work, almost unbearable. (Let me also assert that prior to his knowledge of my having PTSD, we were friends for over 5 years.)

At a previous job, in a neighboring county, I let it be known that I was seeking help for PTSD. the attitudes of my employer, after a year and a half of proving my experience and skills; of which I honed for over 30 something years, changed drastically when they found I was in need of psychological help for the PTSD, and I started going to the Veterans Administration for assistance. 

In both instances, of the recent past, my employer's views of me changed almost instantly.  I sometimes wonder what their attitudes would have been if I also let it be known that I was Gang Raped, while in  the military.  I could only imagine, but am glad that I will not suffer those attitudes; as these folks will never be informed of that fact.

Being a victim and now a survivor of Male on Male Sexual Assault, has allowed me to put on a mask, to cover my pain, my anguish, my shortcomings, my failures, my lack of self esteem, my minimizing life events (as well as being minimized by others), and the list goes on; merely on the perception of what I though would come, should anyone see that I had shortcomings of mental health.
My own perceptions of Male sexual assault victims (if there was such, in my perception at the time), were quite different, prior to my Assault and Gang Rape.

As with most survivors of male on male rape, I learned very quickly to hide myself behind a mask; which was re-enforced by violence, hatred, rage, defiance against authority, as well as numerous other emotions and actions; which disallowed anyone to even suspect that I was weak, to the point of allowing anyone to sexually assault me.  Hell, I even went out on frequent violent ventures, just to prove I was viable as a man..

IN my perception, of both myself and others, was that by hiding behind a "mask" and perfecting the camouflage of being what I perceived a "man" should be, I was safe.  If I put the fear of "God" into those around me, to allow them to carry stories of extreme violence and lack of concern over life and death, that the story would move outward; people would be forewarned, and therefore would avoid pissing me off, at any cost.  I rarely had to prove anything after awhile, because my family and friends (acquaintances) would carry the story line forward. In the reality of my life, I was crying for someone to see that there was a broken hearted person, who genuinely cared and would give the shirt off of his back, to anyone in need.  Someone who would stop and patch up a broken or injured person, and try to help them to a far better place; than where they were when they were hurt.

But the mask, which was hiding the pain; was over-compensating by displaying outward disregard for property, life and safety of others; but mainly my own life and safety.  

I can see and have realized that although I could not continue striking out against others and should be looking out for the welfare of others over my own self.  So, I changed my mask and started making arrangements to exclude the participation of dangerous events and acts; where I could have witnesses, but be the only one being placed into harms way.. A sort of self inflicted suicide; with the appearances of an accident waiting to happen.    Without my masks; I was fearful that employers would say or take a stance that since I obviously had mental issues; I could not be trusted, therefore would not be willing to hire or utilize me expertise and knowledge.

Masks, has allowed me to move through some simulation of life, where my mistakes and misgivings were not only verifiably accidents; but also by my own design made out to bring ultimate harm to myself; with out suspicion by those in charge..   My masks allowed me to hide my intentions and lack of concern for my own life; from Law Enforcement, from Medical Professionals, and most importantly from employers and potential employers (and yes, from former and potential spouses.)

Now, I am telling on myself; in regards to almost every aspect of my life, for a reason.  I want to stop other victims/survivors from getting away with their pain and isolation, developing into a similar pattern.    I figure (probably wrongly) that if by telling the world what I did, that they too can look more closely to their loved ones; and hopefully stop the cycle of destruction, that I found myself on.

The plain truth is that It hurts me to know that there are others out in the world, who are living what I have been living; in some sort of distorted form of what I was living; whom is on a path to destruction of both their physical life, as well as their family and personal life. 

I hope this helps.. If you see someone you love, who is showing some signs of what I described anywhere in my blog posts, please reach out for them or with them, to get some help.

Please make a call to reach out for them, and hopefully with them to:

Or to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number


Talk to a professional, and get them the help they deserve. I did, and it got me on the path to recovery. It made a difference, in my life; I guarantee it will help make some changes in yours too, if you give it a chance. So call, and get some resources to help you or a loved one, the help they deserve.