Sunday, September 7, 2014

Reaching Out For Help and For Myself.

I am not a Mental Health Professional, nor do I pretend to be.  So, being that as it is; I can not give any other advice to anyone who is either suffering, think they suffer from, or have a family member who they believe may be a sufferer of any Mental Health Issue.   However, I am a sufferer of PTSD and a Survivor of MST (Military Sexual Trauma).    The only advice I can offer is that you may wish to seek out assistance from a local or area Mental Health Professional, A Physician, or your Local Church Administration for guidance, if you believe there might be issues relating to the safety or welfare of a loved one, or yourself.

All I can share with you, is my experiences; and information that I have been made aware of and share my interpretations of what I have learned, from those whom help me make my journey, through recovery.     It is my belief, at this point, that with my journey the assistance and support of the people in my life (to include primarily my Mental Health Network), has been most invaluable to make my journey rewarding, educational, and also a bit easier on my crazy life.

I will share with you, things that impact my life and my recovery to provide several benefits to you, the reader of this blog. I am hopeful that if you do not suffer from PTSD, or are a Survivor of Sexual Trauma (regardless of the origin or perpetrators background), Then this may be able to allow you some insight as to either dispel or acknowledge belief that there may be something wrong, should someone you know and love be suffering in silence.  The second thing I hope; is that if you are suffering in silence; that this material and the information and stories here in this blog, will give you strength to seek out the assistance you may wish to consider obtaining.

Due to my own experiences, My belief in Mankind, as a whole; my belief in my God and myself, My trust in others and even in myself; has been forever changed and challenged.  I have forsaken all of the previous groups, for so long that getting back in touch with these group members, will take a long time and a lot of work.  However, It is my belief that in my perception I feel, regaining some level of relationship and trust in all of those groups is possible.

I have heard and have always been taught that without love of self, trust of self, belief in self; there can be limited (If any)  of those attributes, in relationships with others.    I am not sure to what degree this is true; but I do know that when I ask myself questions like;

Can I love this person, who is in my life?
Can I trust in this person, who is at the door of my life?
Can I turn my back on this person and feel comfortable?
Can I believe that this person or God, be trusted not to harm or bring harm to me?

I often find myself having to ask myself the questions with myself as the person I am inquiring about.  The answer from doing this, guides me in deciding whether I am equipped with the tools, to extend any give attribute to anyone else.

Often however, as with anything, there are exceptions; and in my life there are a very few exceptions that will allow me to remove asking the questions regarding trust, love, feelings, and belief.  However, even with these exceptions; it has to be measured with experience with the people who have fallen within the exceptions.

Let me explain what I mean.  As a baby, we are not able to change our own diapers, to teach ourselves how to use the toilet, to teach ourselves how to experience our first bites of solid food; without some elements of others, with whom we have to waive questioning.  Because as a matter of survival, we need guidance and limitations placed upon us; to give us the tools we need to continue growing and thriving.

With the events of my own Sexual Assault; the resulting PTSD  (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from that assault; had wiped out all that I believed to be true. It challenged my very existence and still continues to challenge that existence, to this day. The frustration of not trusting myself, believing in myself and resulting insecurities of my viability as a friend, and the ability for me to believe that  for others will stay by my side, has become a daily challenge and a daunting chore (both for me and those who continue to have to re-enforce my trust in their willingness to stay).

I am not sure what is more upsetting to me; the fact that I have to struggle to find self worth, or to have to continually seek out re-enforcement of others having the willingness to stay by my side and fight with me.   Consistently, even at the age of which I am at, I am finding myself acting like an infant, seeking out constant reminders and re-assurances that I am worth while and that they are not going to leave my side in this fight. (and it is a FIGHT!  Make no mistake.)

I can not stress enough, the impact upon my life in not believing that I am worth anything, worth being loved, worth being considered a friend, worth the affection and attention of people around me, worth the respect, and worthy most of all, of self worth and love.  To be honest, I have lost so much self love, through my journey (previous to and up to this point), that it is frustrating for me to not even have a sense of what it is like to have. I know it gets frustrating for those who work with me, in my recovery.

As I said earlier, I had to realize that as I was, as a child, I am now in so many ways again in my infancy.   AS such, I had to swallow my pride, and find a way to ask for help; much like an infant child has to ask for dinner to be made, ask for a structured way of thriving, ask for a diaper to be changed or ask for the love and attention repeatedly to seek out reassurances that I am okay and worth the effort and time.

I believe that, due to my own experiences; most sufferers of PTSD and most Sexual Assault Victims who wish to change their own status into becoming a survivor; these feelings of inadequacy exist and the same sort of reassurances exist; even when they probably will be wishing to deny them.   But I am willing to believe that denial is a basic element; at least openly.. However, privately, we do hold some elements of this truth deep within us and will not come out with this element of our issues without being told it is okay and that there is help available to restore hope.

I am finding it hard to believe in very much, right now.  However, I am beginning to think that, with the help, and encouragement, I am receiving from my own network of support,  I have a lot more than a chance of getting to where I should be, in life.  With all of the Issues and doubt that once existed, and from time to time, still remains to some degree;  I have to say,  I am starting to feel like there might be hope trickling in.  ( I am sure that my therapist will be happy to hear that, for a change).

I have had problems with going back and reading some of my past postings.  They often remind me of the trauma and roads, I have been down, during my fresh 6 month journey, towards my recovery.  However difficult,  the reality is that the posts make it evident that I am making some progress, on my own journey.   It allows me to reach out to others, whom has been tormented by trauma, and hopefully gives them the strength to seek out the help, they need for either themselves, or a loved one, whom might be suffering in silence; like I was.

A note to my friends and therapist;
I am feeling and learning that there is a glimmer of hope, that I didn't know existed, that is now and at this moment, starting to get through.  
With that note, I wish whom so ever should read this blog, and is either suffering in silence, or knows someone who is,  will be able to see;  all is not lost. There is hope for those who reach out and ask for it.   If nothing else comes from the posts I'm sharing with you,  It my best of hopes that faith and healing will come your way, through the process of sharing my journey and reaching out for the help, you might be seeking.  

The help is there for the asking.  Just make the first step.

take care.