Saturday, February 8, 2014

In Reflection

Standing in a mirror, gazing at a reflection of the days and years past, can be quite revealing and yet can lead to some confusion.  Is it the model of the reflection or the  story that the reflection reveals?

This last few months have been trying to say the least.  Between the moving about, from one place to another and not being sure where to know where to stand or from what to walk away from has probably been the most challenging thing for me of late.

The Anxiety, has been rampant not to mention the depressive swings and the aimlessness of my actions, have been of late a bit to handle.  In the last few months I have moved from three places of residence, been between four room-mates, scurrying between loss of breath and full of energy, to being drained and having feelings of dizziness.  From what places does all of this come from? Or does it really matter?

Where does one go, when they feel that there is no where that he or she belongs? Who can you call, when there seems not to be anyone can understand?  Going through the motions of caring, when you really have not the first idea of how to care anymore, is a real challenge; to say the least. Compassion is the last thing that you feel that any one has shared with you, so how can you have an idea of who and how to show compassion; without an example of what compassion or love is?

These are some of the questions of which I have been faced with, over these last thirty something years, since I was attacked in the Air Force.  As you can probably see, it is hard to live with these questions always being present and always coming about.  I have been told it is a part of the PTSD, suffered from the night of my Rape.  Only a few of the questions, which have haunted me since that time, have ever came to actually being asked by someone else.

It is even stranger to me, how to find what brings out the worse of the episodes, which bring back the memories of that night, in the barracks of my assigned duty station.  I have always since been a prisoner of that room, of that shower stall where I peeled the skin off of my arms, legs, back with steel wool in an attempt to get the disgust and the filth off of me.  Somehow I felt it would cleanse me of the horror I suffered in that dorm room; but it has not done that.

It amazes me, at times, how someone can put another on the back burner when they are seeking out assistance of this magnitude.  However, the Veterans Administration has done that and more to make matters worse for me. 

I fear loss of my career, daily.  A Career which I have worked so hard to build with skills I have works so hard to hone; to be at risk of being swept away by the mere utterance of PTSD or Anxiety or Depression.  Yet, like a lot of fellow Veterans, my requests of help and assistance keeps being put on hold or on review.

Okay, so the President put into place policies which are supposed to address the matter of Sexual Assault in the Military.  That is fantastic, I think.  Probably the first bona-fide "good" thing that man has done.  However, it has not trickled down the Veteran's Administration (it seems), or if it has it appears to have been put on the back burner by the providers within the Veteran's Administration and the Department of Defense.

Yes the reflections of what a person is to be, or is to expect is not being found by myself or by others whom have suffered this type of Trauma, within the Veteran's Administration at all as far as my line of sight can tell.

Daily episodes of Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Dizziness and Disorientation, is common place with me; all of which has been labeled within the scope of my PTSD Diagnosis.  Being on a stance of Hyper vigilance, on edge most of the day, seems to occupy my thoughts and actions while I have to extend sometimes dangerous tasks to the public.

Connecting with others has lately become a goal of mine, after 30 plus years of not being able to do so.  Taking back seat to others to allow them to do what they wish on the surface, has probably been the most difficult thing for me to do, when I am always feeling like I have to have control. 

I am lucky, I suppose.  Lucky, in that I have found a few people that I have started to reach out to.  Tried to connect with, to start working on Trust issues.  In some cases, throwing all caution to the wind, and preparing for the worse outcome.  I am fortunate that since doing this, with pain-staking anxiety episodes, has so far been a positive move for me.  But I feel guilty, in that through all of it, I am still on guard for the worst outcome to jump in and validate my suspicions.
I pray however, that does not occur; because the current trend is a huge positive thus far.

More to come....