Saturday, April 5, 2014
There Are No Pictures, No Words, No Reasons
There is always, and has always seemingly been a quest for a picture of Justice. Justice for the Attack I suffered while In the Military. Since It has been such a lapse of time, between this moment and the time of my being victimized; the only justice shall only come from the judgment upon the four individuals, which shall come in their passing into the hands of their Lord, their creator, their Idol of warship.
My attack left a shambles and fragments of a life, to fend for itself and to try to flourish into what and who and what I have become today, in this moment. Still fragmented, still experiencing all the hurt and all the hate and rage. Still filled with doubts and always questioning my every day of existence.
Shifting Anger among each of my attackers, at myself. Shifting Blame between what was unnamed and unidentified attackers, and myself kept me at bay from going forward. Searching for the answers, has only thus far only left me with more questions. 30 plus years, of sufferance kept in silence with no words to express the darkness, the loneliness, the isolation.
As I left the military, I was jailed within the walls of my living quarters, to which I was assigned during my service to my country, at the base I was also assigned. For over 30 years, I lived in a prison of the past and went into search of a way to escape that prison of brick walls, hard concrete slab floors covered with a blue and green colored carpet. I sought out answers and the key to remove myself with the Veteran's Administration, and as previous posts suggested was left to fend for myself and to begin a life of isolation.
Finally, I found some glimmer of hope with a private source to begin my path to healing. After 33 years of sufferance, I am now only just beginning a road to hopefully beginning to find answers and hope for some form of a productive future. Recovery,
Anger and Rage, Hate are all too powerful of not only words; but also actual emotions can lead to some pretty solid and tangible effects on one's life. These have guided me down paths that are not productive for my life, for which has been a part of all the limitations I have placed upon my life's path to move forward.
Although, I must admit it is a struggle to put these emotions into a proper order; I realized that doing so is a must for me to make more productive and progressive advances, in working past my past experiences and trauma. You see, This last week I realized a lesson I learned when I was younger. A very difficult lesson in morality, and in reality which I had held onto all of my life and has guided me into being able to keep fighting.
You see, I finally realized something after a session past, which has been with me all along. I was taught that judging another is of no consequence, as is hating and holding onto anger and rage. A revelation was made clear to me, in the referenced session, which led me to see that all these years; the anger, rage and Hate being placed upon my attackers; has potentially kept me imprisoned in that very room, where my attack and the aftermath had pyramided to take on a life of it's own.
There are not any reasons which can properly give justification for the attack which had launched upon me. There are no words to remove the experiences and the pains of which were placed upon me. There are no pictures which can depict the shame and feelings of defenselessness and self degradation of myself; nor the years of aftermath which had followed.
It is not my job to forgive, as I am sure that will be either dealt with within the soul of my attackers; which will have to be rectified and judged by their maker. It really seems pointless for me to decide to forgive or not to forgive. Not to mention, it is an added burden I wish not to bear.
However, one might decide is the role of forgiveness; it is my feeling that it is the hate and the rage and the self inflicted inadequacies that has to be addressed. It is however my choice to work on redirecting that anger, that rage that mountain of other feelings towards not the people who committed a horrific onslaught of devastation upon my life, upon me, upon my past families; and try to fight towards placing those emotions towards a place that is manageable. On the acts, the decisions, the bad choices; which were undertaken and acted upon by the people whom attacked me.
If ever comes a time, that my attackers are to come to read this; I want them to know something;
I am working hard to refuse to hate you. It is a huge mountain I choose to climb; but it has to be conquered; that right now is my mission in life. But I do want you to know that I will work towards placing more of those emotions towards your actions, your choices and towards the path and devastation you caused through those actions and choices; of which you beat me down with.
I will also extend this message to my attackers. I wish you well. I wish you well, because I have a feeling your creator, your God will carry all the weighted harm, and judge you himself. that now is not my job, it is now between you and your God. I am working on moving forward.