Saturday, November 30, 2013
All Too Often, When Things Become All To Surreal
All to often, when things become all to surreal, we all have to sit back and watch ourselves try to make sense out of what is seemingly insane, and in some cases is really something which makes no sense. Facing tragedy and trauma, is one of those times that everything seems to be so pointless and so unimaginably crazy, that nothing makes sense about the events that cause the human mind to become traumatized.
It is almost unbearable that someone has to chase their emotions and trace the paths which they were taught as children, were taboo. In discussions of Traumatic events, I have found even the simplest of emotion become so out of sorts and context, that It is almost difficult to articulate what is going on in my mind. It's almost like the mind and vocabulary does not mesh with the actions of communication, and a barrier begins to build.
I am sure anyone, whom has suffered a traumatic experience and who faces pain, at the mere thoughts of recounting the events understand what is being said here. I am sure that there are those who read this, whom will not only identify with what is here, but has actually lived it, as I did and do daily. The shame of it is, is that one may not be able to put a proverbial finger, on what triggers it all to cause a given emotion or recollection to come to the surface, to wreak havoc upon the victims.
I was consulting with a friend of mine who stated that I was not forthcoming enough, in relating my experiences with Military Sexual Assault, and the relating PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress). I do not really feel that I am ready to face my "Demons" in a full and outright account of what happened in that hot June night. I have not really sorted or faced my emotions in over 30 plus years.
A Pound Of Flesh Is Taken With Each Word:
I can relate that every time I come out, to discuss Military Sexual Assault and pieces of my brutal attack, not to mention my self mutilation in the shower a day later, which lasted what seemed a life time, I just fall apart on every word that stumbles from my trembling fingers. After my previous post, in this blog, I have had to face a portion of my attack that knocked the wind out of my sails. It seems that a Pound of Flesh is taken with each word of my re-account of my assault.
Tears streamed while I was writing and editing the post, and I could not cry out for anything. So, I continued writing and spewed out what fell upon the page. After writing of the post titled; "How Many Must Fall, Because Of Their Want to Serve?" I got away from the computer, and was feeling ill to the stomach. Not to easily, I made my way to the shower and took a hot, hot shower; almost as if I was in the beginning of repeating the hours in the shower, that Sunday Morning. I found myself scrubbing up again, minus the steel wool and scrubbing brush..
Dragging myself out of the shower, I was feeling quite overwhelmed and almost paralyzed and dizzy. I slowly walked the kitchen and for some reason felt like a ton of bricks, had befallen upon me; Pulling me downward upon the cold, imitation marble tiled kitchen floor.
I sighed and then put my head down as far as it would go and braced my head into the palm of my hands, unaware that my dog had been watching me and that he had come over to me and started sniffing upon my hair. I slowly looked up with tears in my eyes, and saw something that really got to my heart strings. My dog, a Basenji Mix, had tears in is eyes as he began licking my chin and cheeks, and began to whimper.
We Have Served Longer Than We Should Have:
You see, in hindsight of that post, and in reflection of what I think I saw in my dog was something real special, but can not bring it to words; even at this point. But it gave me strength to share this story with you. I know from my own experiences and my own life, that there has to be more people out here, that have suffered being a Sexual Assault Victim, while serving in the Military. Not just the women who have been all too often highlighted in the news of late, but also Men who are being stuffed under the carpet and kept all but silent from the system. And to make it worse, those whom are still suffering in silence.
It bothers me, that we whom have suffered so deeply and so significantly from our wounds, both physically and emotionally. Wounded Veterans go home with honor, from war. Sexual Assault Victims go home in shame and with remembrances of horror, tragedy, loss and self doubt coupled with feelings of being defeated. Heads hung low and with no apparent voice. IN so many cases of Male Rape and sexual assault, not only do we suffer for the duration of our lives, we remain in silence with out our voices being heard. It seems to me, that we have served longer, than we should have to serve, and in most cases are still serving with our silence.
Now, I know the common thread of our situation is being brought out by women whom have been victims, with a slight sweeping flight over the plights of the men. Almost like a mere "Side Notation" of the matter. It is the matter of which many surveys and many revelations about male on male sexual assault in the Military, has been discussed as being more prevalent than our sexually assaulted counter-partners.
We can change this together, but not as a "Solo-Act" in search of a positive change. But like anything, we as men need to help each other to come to some form of support, to other men who are in my position and worse, whom are also trying to scream out and make this an equal field of battle, to get programs put in practice and place; to address not only generalized topics with generalized treatments; which are also designed for war time trauma victims. To get specialized treatment to address those things a male needs to feel complete and whole. Just in contrast with the programs of which are typically designed for women.
Yes, I Am Asking!:
The Benefits of knowing that this is larger than myself, is what has brought me to write this blog. Despite the anguish, the public display of shame, anxiety, frustration, heartache and not matter the amount of tears I may let down my cheeks, to find a place upon the floor; I know this is larger than just me, and I know that there are still those whom need the same amount of (if not more than) the help a growing mass of male and female victims can seek out and help.
Yes, I am asking for you to join me in my pain; as I wish to join you in yours. Let us join as brothers and sisters, and help each other find and gain the benefits we deserve from our extended service, as well as obtaining the assistance in dealing with our wounds, so we can move forward.
Yes, I am asking for you to join me by simply following my story and my blog; and let us gather united and bound by our own prisons, to simply voice what we need as one.
Yes, I am asking for you to show me that you believe we can make a difference by simply filling out the email form in the right border, and follow my post; and if you wish join me in the Google + circles.
Yes, I am asking for peace.. Peace not just for myself, but also for you or a loved one whom is suffering in silence.
One Final Word:
I have poured out more than I can handle, in one day, on this blog. I will once again retire to deal with my body's attempt to extract another "pound of flesh" from me. I will do this, as often as I have to; to let someone else know, they are not alone.
All My Best To You And Your Family.