Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Living On The Run, When Can I Stop Running?
Ever since leaving the Military, it seems like I have been running, from life, from myself, from so many things, I could not even begin to suggest what all I was running from. Living on the run, as it seems, was and has been a tiresome journey in life. I often stop in retrospect and find myself wishing that the running, could stop and when I could stop running.
Almost everyday, I am reminded of what happened to me while in the Air Force, at Altus, AFB. The Tiny room, which will and has been my own prison, within myself, always appearing throughout the days, since. From the time I wake, brush my teeth, look in the mirror and comb my now gray hair; only to see sadness and scars from events that happened to me, back in 2004, due to an episode of my escalating anger issues.
I have always looked for ways of dealing with the scars, emotional as well as the physical, over the years. I have always looked for a place to belong and to fit; as to allow me to put down roots and settle down into a meaningful life. Although to this date, this has not occurred, where I have been able to settle down. No, In fact, I have been so unsettled over the years, that I have been homeless, most of the time since my Air Force Departure.
Occasionally, I would get into a place and stay for a short period then something would trigger a need to run some more; so, I would just pack clothes and walk away with no thought of wanting to tell anyone.. Just up and run with no apparent warning or reasoning. I suppose between running, and working in a career full of episodes of seeing death and dismemberment of the human body, also has not been too beneficial to my already distanced approach to any living soul wanting to reach out to me, and become a "friend."
You see, I feel that the attack on me in my Dorm Room took away everything from me to a point that it does not seem any one place is safe for long. I feel like since my dorm room was the place where I was assaulted, what more sacred is any other place? I suppose that staying too long in one spot, places me at more risks of having any sort of security.
The Sexual Assault that was committed against me, took more than just my feelings, my senses, my relationships, my life and my identity, it was humiliation in it's purest form. And atop of all of that and more, My safety and security was ripped out of my hands, when my four attackers did what they did in my dorm room, to me.
To Stop Living the Past
I often hear that I have to learn to let go. Stop living in the past. These comments would come at times when someone would ask if I was okay and I replied almost ceremoniously, that I am having issues with something in my past. I fail to see how anyone could make an assertion so "flippedly" and still smile afterwards at you, like a friend. Especially when they have no sense of what I was and am dealing with, on a daily basis.
How can someone who has not been able to find themselves feel like they are okay? How can someone who has had every fibre of their existence ripped and torn apart, say they have survived occurrence. I read about people who are survivors of rape, and sexual assault. I wonder if that is really possible.. You see I have been a Victim for so long, that I have been merely existing, over the last 30 plus years, since my departure from the military. I would enjoy just knowing that I have reached survivorship status.
I Am Not Alone
You see, I know I am not alone out here. Feelings of what I have are also feelings that are being shared by a lot of Veterans, in like kind if not at times worse. How can I honestly say this? Easy, Because I know that there are things that happen to people, that in their own way they feel as intense anger and humiliation, shame and every other emotion including being of degradation in the worst way possibly imagineable. It is knowing that there are others, others whom have been brutally attacked, far worse than I; that keeps me going forward.
Living this way, is not romantic nor fun. It, in it's own right brings all the same emotions back to the surface on a regular basis. Some call it "triggers," I call it a nightmarish hell on earth, with a feeling of being in purgatory. A dark abyss of distance and rebelling against almost any form of connection with anyone, or thing. I call it, going through the motions of life and pretending; just to exist. I do not call it, surviving at all, from anything.
You may wonder if I am in a "dark place" right now. No, I am living life like I have for over 30 years, since my sexual assault. Not Truly Happy, nor Truly emotionally connected. Today, the only thing better is the fact that I have started this blog in hopes of helping others, while looking for a means to help myself get through this mess, so I can move forward and take my life back.
I Am Sure There Are Others:
To assume that there is only one, is to assume the world revolves around only you. This is a saying, I have held my trust upon. Since I am not truly one to have such ideas or thoughts of this or any other world revolving around myself. It is just that I am tired of thinking that those others are not out seeking what is there to be sought after; that is assistance for what ill has befallen up on them, and they remain in silence. That is seeking out the life, that is rightfully theirs to have.
Because I am so sure there are others, I am out searching them out. Well, sometimes strength comes in numbers; and I wish for them to know, that there is a way for numbers to be accumulated by just reaching out! I am certain, and without a doubt dedicated in finding assistance for myself; but I also am just as dedicated to share what I do know to be true, in hopes that it will benefit those silent suffering, merely existing and going through the motions of emotion, to find their peace.
I honestly feel that by doing this together, it will assist both myself and them, as well as their families, live better lives together.
You have seen me write that since my attack, I have had no sense of happiness or life goals. I am not sure what you would call this effort I am putting out here. But I am always looking for the answer to one basic question that appears in my mind; Living on the run, when can I stop? I will further this, and assert the question; When can we stop?
Take care and thank you for visiting my blog,