Monday, December 9, 2013

Where Is The Trust?



It is said that trust can only come from someone who trusts themselves.  Likewise, it is also said that Love Can only come from those whom love themselves.  Although, these are true statements in my opinion, folks who look for trust, love, acceptance, and other virtues are often lacking in all or some of these.  Would it not be logical to assume that due to Sexual Assault, Rape, or any other form of attack, that one or more of these virtues are stolen away?  If that be the case, and since they are intertwined, would it not be logical to assume that one missing, make all of them to be missing?

Now in case you are wondering where that came from, Here is the back story, of the opening statements and questions.

A fellow co-worker came to me and asked me how and why could I be so cold, distant, brutally honest, and not care about anyone else's feelings.  She was asking due to an incident regarding another co-worker who had messed up and almost caused himself to be injured. I have to say, yes,  was very brutal and very cold blooded to the co-worker for being an absent minded.  But something else was triggered when the female co-worker asked me those questions.

Although I gave her a pointed review of a reason, I knew that was not the only reason, I did and said what I said.  However, A larger question entered my mind, about my actions and my re-action to the other co-worker.   For some reason, I wanted to quantify the reasoning for my lack of emotion, my lack of trust, my lack of connection; and most of all why I was cold and so brutal.

Now, I do not fully understand the answer I came up with, but it fits what I was sort of looking for; Thus, the questions of which I addressed in the opening of this post.  Here is what I came up with.

At 18 years old, and straight out of High School, I entered into the military.  I had fully thrown mind body and soul into my commitment, to my Country, My Military Brothers, My Military Sisters, and for either one of them, I would have put my life and limbs on the line for, if needed.   I was naive, and I was too open to do what ever it took to keep them all safe, within the powers given to me, by my God and My Country.

I had  put my trust in My Country, My Command, and into my Fellow Soldier At Arms.  I felt I had to, because I was to believe that they, meaning all of them, felt and was obligated to do the same for me.  At 19 1/2 years old, that was shattered when I was attacked by four Airmen, in my own dorm room and left to survive on my own.  No one came to my rescue, no one cared, no one acknowledged my questions or cries for help when I was able to ask for help.

Now, I was supposed to be there to have everyone's back, and when my back was turned, I needed someone to speak out, someone to come and help me.  No one did, no one gave a damn.  How in the hell can someone who just went through what I had, that weekend, say he would even lift a finger to help his fellow soldiers, who had betrayed his trust, the way my trust was torn apart?

When that attack was committed, I lost faith in myself, trust in myself, love of myself, security of myself, I lost respect in myself.  To me, I lost everything good that was once alive and well, within myself, due to the acts of other Airmen, who I was sworn to fight with and to die for, if needed.

The military is a sorority, a tightly knitted group of people, who are obligated to watch out for the other, and to keep secrets in the best interest of the "Mission", for which the military stands for and acts upon on a daily basis.  Secrets! The Military is riddled with them, from the top, downward to the field grunt.  Some you are aware of, some if you become aware of you can lose your life or freedom over.

The level of trust I had for not only the military and my fellow soldier, was nothing to lose; because then when the assault occurred, I had to question every fibre of everything I had ever known in life. I was put in a place where I had to question and distrust even my own actions, thoughts, feelings, motives and the love I had for myself.  Sadly, I still question a lot of the same things I did after that attack upon me, including my faith and own thought processes.

Now, over time, you build up your faith for certain things.  You gain limited ability to trust in what you have accomplished, you develop some level of connection with those around  you and yes, you even have a certain level of trust you vest with your co-workers and spouse.  But it is all conditional, at best.  One slip, you are able to justify disconnecting like the connection never existed and turn your back to walk away; without remorse or without any further thought or emotion.

Okay, now this may not fully quantify the lack of emotion, the coldness, the lack of trust, and all of the other emotions and feelings of security one would like to have, but it is a start for me. I hope it is for you as well.

You see, if in fact is was truly stated that one can only love, to the extent that they love themselves, where does that leave me and those who have and do feel the ways I do?  Since my level of trust is in question, by my own doing, how can I trust in the level of commitment, the level of love, or the level of any such emotions or virtue,, that is needed to find true happiness and security?

I have dealt with these questions and these emotions before; in fact, for most of my adult life, since my being Raped and tortured, in that dorm room.   Where does a man or woman find the answers to these questions?  is it with an institution who is ill prepared, ill equipped, ill qualified, like the Veteran's Administration?  Or in the hands of a Government who's past is littered in repeated responses which equal the "I do Not Give A Damn!" attitudes?

I wish sometimes this vicious "Merry Go Round" would stop so I could just get off, and seek steady ground..

Thank you for visiting
Gary.